I deserve a sticker chart

Tetyana Denford - 9 Mar 16

When I worked in London in an office, I had benchmarks for myself. I wanted to meet my targets and when I did, it was rewarded. New client? New shoes. New projects self-started and completed? Ooooh the elusive Pay Rise. New office location? New stationery.

It’s important to set goals for yourself and reach them, right? We all set goals for our kids and help them make charts for themselves. We want these tiny little hurricanes to focus on achieving what they set out to because that’s an important part of life. And we want them to be proud of themselves.

So… Motherhood. Hmmm. Goals? Rewards? Anyone have an answer? And no, I don’t want to hear “raising clever humans that shall attend Oxford”, or “ooh I’d love a new Dyson”. Both of those are great (the Dyson might be slightly more important than Oxford, let’s be honest). Where are the fun goals? Where are the things that don’t involve lying in bed like a truck ran us over, and relishing the extra 7.2 minutes of peace before a tiny person elbows us in the ribs and licks our face? That’s not a goal. 7.2 minutes of lying down is a physiological necessity. Okay, let’s get creative here.

I’ve decided to make a list for myself. And I actually put it on the refrigerator. My husband walked into the kitchen, saw it, looked at me with a slightly concerned (like, “I think she’s one-sandwich-short-of-a-picnic”) face, and promptly walked out.

I don’t care. On a piece of white paper, I wrote with a big fat marker: List Of Achievements and I bought myself some sparkly stickers. Because if *that’s* the only sparkle that I’m currently seeing as a reward, then damn it I’m going to clear the shelves of W.H Smith and no one is going to stop me.

My list so far:

Having an adult conversation with a friend/boss/family member that doesn’t at all contain the words “nappy”, “weaning”, “school cake rota” or “Boden”.
(Thomas the Tank Engine sticker)

Changing a nappy (whilst my kid is standing up) in the frozen food aisle at Tesco’s, in under 30 seconds.
(Scratch-And-Sniff sticker. Obviously.)

Recognising my child’s I’M GOING TO VOMIT signal, and managing to catch it all in a plastic plate and nothing dropped on the floor or on their clothes.
(SPARKLY GOLD STAR STICKER)

Running across the room to take an open Sharpie out of the baby’s hands before she draws on herself/the wall/the flat-screen TV.
(Sparkly Heart sticker)

Not throwing a shoe at my husband when he asks me “is dinner ready?”
(Cinderella sticker)

Successfully avoiding the school-mum-clique at school drop-off.
(Need to find an eye-roll sticker for that one)

Finishing 3 hours’ work whilst the baby naps.
(Peppa Pig sticker)

Opening the wine only *after* the kids have gone to bed.
(            )

Only 30 minutes of television all day, as opposed to…
OH WHO AM I KIDDING THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED

I am the CEO of my house and I demand stickers. Why not? Own the job that you do, whatever it is. And if your reward is a Little Princess sticker on your jumper that you forget to take off when you go out in public? Explain to people that you managed to get your children out the door wearing clean pants, matching socks and the fire alarm only went off once (toast with charcoal is supposed to be healthy anyway). And then walk away with your head held high.

Just try not to let them see the Cheerio that’s stuck on your neck.

Tetyana Denford

Tetyana is a Ukrainian-American mum of three, married to an Englishman, living in NY. She's written for Elle and Vogue magazines, and her first novel 'Motherland' is available at Amazon. She hosts a YouTube show called The Craft and Business of Books, translates for Frontline PBS news, and writes freelance.

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