I Don’t Want To Be A Mom For Mother’s Day

Scarlett Longstreet - 9 May 17

Sunday May 14^th marks over a century of celebrating Mother’s Day in the United States. I consider myself a Mother’s Day expert because a) I’ve celebrated 3 and b) I used Wikipedia for this blog. Feel free to use me as an academic citation.

Mother’s Day is the most significant of the made up holidays, but not unlike its counterparts, its luster will fade. If you’re a new or pregnant mom, this is your Super Bowl, your excitement rivals that of 7 year old’s on Christmas. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how could this not be the best day ever, forever. But remember how you used to celebrate St. Patrick’s day? You’d put a four-leaf clover sticker on your cheek and you’d drink green Bud Light from 8am til midnight. You thought those days would never end, but here we are. You’re afraid of green dye and you’re lucky to see midnight once or twice a year. All good things must end.

I give you, the evolution of Mother’s Day:

You’re pregnant.

Perhaps the most blissful of all your Mother’s Days (because you don’t actually have a kid to take care of yet). This is it, savor it. Strangers smile and wish you happy Mother’s Day, you think about what extravagant plans your baby daddy will come up with for you. You might even receive a card or two. A prenatal massage is a given and tears are obvious. You are a part of the club and you are feeling it girl.

New motherhood.

If it’s your first Mother’s Day, it is sure to be an emotional one. You’re going to spend a lot of time thinking about what a significant life event this has been for you. You are a creationist! Yes, not unlike God, you go hard in the paint and create life. Your expectations are HIGH. Like there better be a red carpet laid out for your baby making ass. Flowers, brunch, cards, the works. Dads, do not blow this.

You’re going to be all smiles as you strut your fresh mom self around with your baby in tow. You’ll still get attention from strangers on this one too, so soak it up. The feeling might even be a little surreal, “am I really a mom?!”

You want a day off from being a mom Mother’s Day.

Game over. Maybe you have a toddler. Maybe you have a toddler and an infant (praying for you). Or your kids are school age, but still need you for way too much crap. You’re over it. You are seasoned. By now you’ve realized that Mother’s Day is just another day that you have to do the hardest (and best) job in the world. But mama needs a break.

Brunch? No thanks. You don’t want to bring those heathens to a restaurant, even if it is to celebrate yourself. Dads get golf – A five-hour vacation driving around on a little cart. Moms though, somehow the kids are still a part of the equation. Sure you’d love to see them, you want their “adorable” macaroni cards, and their poorly executed breakfast in bed, but if we’re being completely honest you could really go for a Mother’s Day that plays like a girl’s weekend. In the back of your mind you’re still clinging onto a fragment of hope that you’ll be bestowed with some sort of grandiose gesture. You will settle for a massage that’s NOT scheduled during naptime.

Oh yah, it’s Mother’s Day!

You’ve been at this for a while now. The kids are older, the crafts have stopped. The upside is that you don’t have to pretend anymore that they’ve outshone Picasso with their handprint in clay masterpiece. It is however slightly depressing that there are no more handprints in clay. Your husband is going to ask you what you want. The planning days are over. You’d be content with a glass of wine and one of your shows, perhaps a slice of cake.

You are a queen.

You are the matriarch, the backbone of this mother effin’ family ya’ll! Sit back mama, your baby raising days are over. Your hardwork has paid off; your self-sufficient offspring now shower you with gifts, because they are old enough to realize that yes, holy shit you gave them life, gave them everything, and now you are here to collect. Enjoy that nice lotion set that your daughter-in-law picked out, you deserve it.

If your kids are Millennials you’ll even get to savor the all important social media post. Yep, your kids are calling you out for the entire world to see, picture collage included. Your daughter is telling everyone you’re her best friend and your son is making some vague sports/farming analogy and insisting that you are the G.O.A.T. Thank God for google. Either way, your neighbor Janice knows that your kids love you the most.

Whether its your first or your thirtieth Mother’s Day, take a moment to celebrate the fact that you’ve known one of the greatest experiences on earth and given the most valuable gift, love. Even if you do have to order your own from Amazon.

Scarlett is a stay at home-ish mom, bartender, and wife. You can follow her on Instagram.

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Scarlett Longstreet

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