I SUSPECT MY CHILD IS A VAMPIRE

Helene Smit - 25 Oct 14

My toddler is teething and her incisors will be out in time for Halloween. She is only sixteen months old and I strongly suspect that she is a carrier of the vampire gene. Not the plain old animal variety, but the actual blood-sucking Dracula variety.

I came up with the following reasons for why I think she might be part vampire:

+ She is insanely strong for her size. I usually need to use both of my hands to remove a spoon from ONE of her hands and she managed to remove a part of my floor when she was only nine months old. You do not want to see what she does with her cot when I am not there.

+ She has no control over her urges. If it was not for me stepping in (very carefully) she would murder someone for a crisp, a piece of chocolate or a beloved toy.

+ She is a destroyer. All plants, clean surfaces, pretty clothes and basically anything that she has to compete with for attention has to be and will be destroyed. ‘There can only be one!’

+ She laughs in the face of danger. She will go down a slide head first and step off ledges as if gravity is non-existent. She also removed all attempts made by her parents to baby proof her living arrangements and ate it. Yes, she ATE the fancy rubber covers and spongy protectors!

+ She has no fear of death. She is naturally drawn to near death experiences like diving down the side of the bed (which is like a cliff compared to her) and chewing on live wires (I just had to remove this laptop’s charger from her jaws.) Recently she started to throw herself out of the bath like a killer whale launching itself on the rocks trying to get to innocent penguins. I suspect that she believes she has eternal life.

+ She has an insatiable appetite. In the past she did not really pay much attention to food (except her milk), but lately she is devouring everything that fits into her tiny sharp-toothed mouth. Her world is basically divided into that which is edible and inedible. Unfortunately I fall into the edible category. And in the mornings I feel strangely depleted of all energy as if I had a visit from a tiny succubus during the evening…

+ She is a biter. Once I removed the sponge from her hands in the bath and she casually but very focussed bit into my hand instead! I have the bite marks to prove it. Numerous pieces of furniture also have the evidence of her tendencies. I speculate that she views our home as one big tasting menu.

+ She likes to watch television upside down like a bat. She lies on her dad’s knees with her feet in his face and her head hanging down. She actually prefers certain programs in this position. I guess the world makes more sense to her this way.  It is also very common to find her upside down in her cot or hanging onto the sides by her teeth.

+ I speculate that the child can fly. I often find her perched in dubious places on high levels all over the house. Usually it is not possible to see how she got there. Her movements are generally inexplicable and mysterious to me.

+ I truly suspect that she has the ability to glamour (the vampires in ‘True Blood’ use this type of hypnosis to get out of sticky situations). She is using this ‘trick’ at this very young age already as nobody can resist her when looking into her bright, brown eyes. Even if it is ten o’clock at night and my husband and I end up watching reruns of ‘In the Night Garden’ instead of ‘Homeland.’ I mean she is just so cute. Has she had enough kisses yet? Maybe just another hundred more….quick, before bedtime…

So, I was going to dress her up as a rabbit for Halloween, but maybe I should just let her go in her natural form instead. And please, for heaven’s sake, make sure you have enough crisps and chocolates in case we come to your door for trick or treating. Trust me; you don’t want to see the dark child’s tricks!

Vampire Toddler Illustration by Heléne Smit

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Helene Smit

Helene Smit moved from sunny South Africa to beautiful Berkshire in 2007. She lives in Reading with her husband, little girl and the occasional stray animal. She used to be an architectural assistant in London, but is now a stay-at-home mother trying to be a working-from-home mother.

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