I want my body back!

Alexia Rowley - 29 May 16

I want my body back!!!

There, I said it!!

I have spent the last 3 years alternating between being pregnant and breastfeeding after having my 2 children in quick succession. All my choice and one I am pleased with but now I want to reclaim my body. I don’t want to have to share myself with anyone else. I don’t want to be tied anymore. I want my boobs back. I want the food I eat and the energy I have to be mine alone.
Yet, saying this makes me feel so incredibly guilty; like I’m breaking off a loving, healthy, relationship. A selfish desire to want something for myself. I feel awful taking away something my son so enjoys, but I feel absolutely drained by it. I am tied to him so entirely that no one else has ever been able to put him to bed at night. No one else can respond to his cries in the night. No one else can soothe him when he most needs it. I worry that without feeding I don’t even know how to parent a baby as it is my stock solution for any problem. Yet, my son is growing and no longer needs my milk.

I want to be me again without feeding, yet, even saying this makes me feel so torn. I hoped that my son would be ready too, would naturally want to wean off but this is not the case. It is an unrequited love of the boob, yet, the boob wants a break.

Of course his need should come first, but my fear is he will never be ready to wean and one day this huge, gangly school boy will be demanding ‘bity’. However, like everything with little ones, it is a stage and perhaps for me this feeling of wanting to reclaim my body is also a phase. I strongly suspect that despite my feelings in this moment, when the time does come to stop feeding, I will feel sad and miss this special link we have. I guess time will tell and lets hope that soon my son decides he is over boob.

Alexia Rowley

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