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A man’s perspective on miscarriage
I’ve always loved the above quote. Often mis-attributed to Churchill and various others, it has gotten me through all sorts of mentally and physically tough situations in the past. The most recent time it came back into my life was when one of my favourite bands – The Streets – made it the key line in their song “Going Through Hell”.
This quickly made its way onto the various training playlists I keep on my Spotify account. When training for a marathon those words spurred me on to literally
In life in general, I had never had much application for the phrase. There had been – as with anybody – ups and downs, periods of light and dark, higher or lower moods. In life, I had always preferred the Florence and the Machine lyric; “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” It seemed
I’d never wanted to be a father. I can’t really explain why, and to me it would seem weird that people would expect me to. A combination of selfishness, a feeling that I still wasn’t mature enough to look after myself, therefore anybody else, and the nagging feeling that there was still SO MUCH STUFF that I hadn’t yet had the chance to experience meant that I just never saw
I’d always said that maybe a good halfway house for me would be meeting somebody who already had children. Then in June 2015 I met Molly and, by association, Jack and Charlie. Without skipping over the detail too much, Molly and I fell for each other pretty quickly. I’d be lying if I said that by the
I immediately became very protective. As angry with myself as I was about how we had got here (and I was very, very angry with myself) I realised that my anger really wasn’t going to help a pregnant woman much. After all, that was my baby in there. I’m not sure what changed in me or how, but I do remember one
Time went on, we made plans, we laughed, we discussed names, when we would tell the
Selling two flats, a lease extension, a divorce, getting a consent order drawn up, arranging a mortgage, reviewing property options, resolving poor credit to save aforementioned mortgage application. It was the very definition of “all go”. It was exciting though. Even if it was hard work and a little daunting. This was the darkness before the dawn.
If only I’d
When that day arrived, I was totally broadsided. I had actually told my boss in work our news as I trusted her implicitly, so she immediately agreed when I said I had to leave work because Molly was heading to hospital for a check-up having found spots of blood. From memory that was about 11am having got in at 10am. While that was a strange start to the day, I didn’t feel any sense of impending doom or fear. I was just going to do my fatherly duty.
Molly was understandably upset when I got there, but not overly so – we had the
We went through to the consultation room after a short wait and went through the brief formalities. Molly got herself up on the chair and the sonographer started scanning. He continued scanning for a while, and then looked over to a colleague. I had never been in this position before and knew nothing of childbirth or pregnancy, yet I am convinced that in that moment I knew what was coming. Just one of those sixth
We ushered the boys out to wait on their own while the ‘formalities’ were read out to Molly and me. I remember us hugging, but I don’t remember us saying much at all. In fact, it was like the
I remember Jack asking something on the walk and being met with a hurried shutdown of some kind. I think the both of us were well aware that had we have tried to do anything but just hurry home as quickly as possible, we would have just broken down, and that wouldn’t have been good for anybody. The bus came quickly,
I don’t know how long we cried for but, eventually, we went to tell the boys why we were so upset, or they came to us. It obviously didn’t really register for them, and they were more interested in what was for lunch or what they could amuse
I had a history of doing this. Of just getting on with things. Of coping. I always remember
In adult life I have had counselling about the things I buried as a kid. How I reacted to moments of grief, loss or despair. I had made a lot of peace with the way I was and how I reacted. I had managed to find a way to find a healthy balance in adult life. I think I have cried more as an adult as I ever did as a child, and I look forward to and value the
On that day, and for the following weeks, I cried a lot, but I was still covering a bit. There was still an element of not letting it out. I wasn’t grieving because at that time, I didn’t even recognise grief as an emotion that I would associate to miscarriage. See, I have been on a bit of a learning journey myself and, at that time, I didn’t believe I was faced with a loss, or somebody dying. It was just something that had happened, a terrible episode in life, but not a person.
We had discussed whether we should go through
Selling two flats, a lease extension, a divorce, getting a consent order drawn up, arranging a mortgage, reviewing property options, resolving poor credit to save aforementioned mortgage application. It was the very definition of “all go”. It was
Part two – Keep Going
We had booked ourselves a weekend in Florence as a way to get away and take some time for ourselves. I should mention that I was still suffering from Labrynthitis at this stage – a horrible illness affecting the inner ear that lead to dizziness, panic attacks and mainly travel anxiety. This made the trip a bit more of a challenge, but we were happy to be trying again, and it
If you are thinking that this is a bit breezy and a bit light-hearted at this stage, then I am only reflecting how it felt at the time. There were thoughts and feelings inside me and Molly that we would realise later, and as mentioned before, there had been a lot of tears, but I know now that the idea of having a baby at some point was keeping us on something of an even keel.
We had a great weekend.
We ate, drank and were merry, seeing the sights and finding out later
“We’ll just go again” I remember saying.
At the time I meant it wholeheartedly, but the whole thing was taking its toll on me. I was starting to worry about throwing myself into this, about whether we were stretching ourselves too much. I had always said that even though I didn’t want children necessarily, if I did have them, then I would want to make sure it was in
On top of all that, some of the nagging concerns about being a parent in general had come back. As much as I know this caused what was to come, I
I sat Molly down one night to tell her.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and I know I didn’t do it very well at all. I probably mixed up my anger, confusion and every other emotion I was feeling and made Molly feel more terrible than she was going to anyway. I don’t remember her pleading with me, but she was probably frightened that she would push me away more.
I was relieved I had managed to say it. It was the right thing to do. I was aware that Molly wasn’t happy, but thought that after the initial shock of the decision, she may come to understand my take. After all, I hadn’t completely ruled out having another child. This was the darkness before the dawn.
It still wasn’t. It was still very much just the darkness.
Things happened – we had a lot on. I
The new house was exciting. We hoped it would be a new start for all of us. The boys had more space, and living out in the greenery of Kent seemed like a great move for all of us. The problem was, that we now had a very empty fourth room. The joy of moving quickly
Things got progressively worse. I know from my side I was just excited. I remember saying to Molly one night “I am in a home I love, with the woman I love. I even have the car I have wanted for a long time on the drive.” So simple. So materialistic I guess. It was easy for me to make peace with it all though because the main difference with me was that I had never wanted children. I didn’t have that burning, yearning desire Molly did.
Things definitely got worse though. You
I expect
Molly – understandably – certainly couldn’t. She felt that I was being destructive, that it was intended to upset her. I couldn’t describe in terms that could be understood how trapped by it all I felt. I just wanted to escape it. They say that men are inclined to want to fix things – well here is something I couldn’t fix and more than that,
I wanted, nay needed, my life back.
I think the first time I made strides towards getting it
Within minutes of the film starting, I was
Things still got worse, but it was the first time I started to get a different perspective, and
I’m not sure when the penny finally dropped and I stopped getting angry at my situation and just realised I needed to be there for her.
Many people (men in the main, probably) would say that I have just given up and given in, but it is really not like that. The quickest way for me to get my life back – and I mean my life with Molly – was to be there for her. Not to try and make her better, but just to embrace the darkness. Fuck it, close our eyes and realise it would just get darker, but
When Molly started writing this blog, it was like she had finally found an outlet for some of the emotions that she needed to
We continue to get better (I believe day upon day) and seeing Molly smile again in the mornings truly lights up my life. We still have along way to go, but for the first time since about last July, I genuinely believe we will get there.
If you are a man reading this, be aware of how you are and what you are saying in this situation. I have realised that certain things, like being in
For you as a couple, be honest about these things. Mainly though, just be there for each other and don’t give up.
During babyloss awareness week in October, the MP Will Quince (a loss parent himself) stated the jaw-dropping fact that 80-90% of
Not us. We’re going through hell, but we will just keep going.
By Stuart Hollands