I’m a Preemie Mum

Jessica - 9 Nov 17

On Tuesday my son turned two. He was born before he should have been and the time was a terrible one. I wrote this list 18 months ago to try and help get my head around what happened. I only feel ready to share it now.

What I learnt when I became Mum to a preemie-

1. Everyone wants to congratulate you on the arrival of your baby and everyone wants to welcome you home but you don’t want congratulations and you don’t want to put up the cards or open the presents because of all those what ifs.
2. Nothing can prepare you for the moment you leave hospital without your baby for the first time. It goes against every bone in your body and fibre of your being. I felt physical pain the day I left hospital without my son like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
3. Guilt. Guilt that you couldn’t keep your baby safe and well for as long as you should have. Guilt that you are leaving your child in the care of strangers. Guilt that you can’t be there for every feed and every nappy change. Guilt that you can’t be with your brand new child 24/7. Guilt that you can’t be with your other child and he is getting passed from pillar to post and just wants to know where his Mummy is. Guilt that you are relying on everyone to drive you back and forth to hospital. Guilt that your baby was born at 33 weeks and the baby in the incubator next door was born at 29. Guilt that you can’t hold your child and breathe in his newness. Guilt that everyone wants to talk to you and hear about the baby but you don’t want to talk, you don’t want to explain again and again.
4. Your baby is incredible. Your baby will prove everyone wrong and fight. He will show everyone he’s made of tough stuff and he will blow you away with his spirit and his strength. You will wonder in awe at how incredible humans really are, even the tiniest of humans.
5. Despite already being a Mum to a toddler you will feel useless and like you have no idea. I was scared to touch my own baby. Scared to change his nappy for fear of treading on the nurses toes or more importantly unhooking wires or tubes. It was so easy to let the amazing nurses do it because I just constantly felt like I was doing something wrong.
6. My biggest fear was that my baby wouldn’t know who I was because I couldn’t hold him or cuddle him or feed him or care for him in the way I should have been. During the hours between his birth and actually getting to see him again I was convinced I would have been forgotten.
7. You latch on to what you can control- expressing religiously every 3 hours night and day because it’s all you can do. It’s the only ounce of control you have.
8. It doesn’t end when you leave hospital because we only left for one week and then things got really bad. Being a preemie doesn’t stop the minute you leave the hospital. There are so many things that can be so much worse for a premature baby. In our case it was a cold that became life threatening because our son’s lungs just weren’t strong enough to cope.
9. When a preemie parent tells you that you can’t come and visit, don’t question it. In fact most nurses will advise no visitors apart from immediate family until due date. Please listen. It’s not about you meeting the baby and having a cuddle. It’s not about you in general. It’s about the tiny baby who needs to be protected from even the most insignificant of coughs and colds. It’s also about the parents who have spent weeks and in some cases months sitting beside an incubator desperate just to hold their baby. That time is about them and their bonding experience so don’t steal it from them. Listen and only visit when they say it’s ok.
10. If you have a cold NEVER visit a preemie. Never visit a newborn. Have the respect.
11. The experience will never ever leave you.

Jessica

Working mum of two tiring boys.

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