I’m an old bird, is it too late?

Taddy Mama down under - 25 Oct 16

Three letters. AMA. Advanced maternal age. I’m officially an old bird. And with it comes a whole host of pre occupations, raised risks and worries to add to my birthing kit bag. Well actually my John Lewis overnight wheelie suitcase.

I’ve been an AMA for my four pregnancies. I have 2 beautiful sons and I suffered the heart breaking grief of two miscarriages. I wouldn’t have done it differently though.

For a start I wouldn’t have the sons I have if things had worked out differently and secondly there are lots of benefits to ‘beyond 40’.

I have been dealt a few curve balls in my life, I was divorced before I was 30 from a marriage that quite frankly wasn’t a good match for either of us. I spent my early and mid thirties working and playing hard. My career took off and so did my love life, I met Tom – now my husband – and we did all the usual things you do when you’re in love – mini breaks in Europe, long haul holidays and lots of parties and laughter inbetween.

So you could say I had a stunted start and then was a late developer in the ‘settle down and have kids’ department. But by the time I was 38 I was pregnant with my first born, blissfully naïve, enjoyed an uncomplicated pregnancy and a fast birth. I was a novice who’d never changed a nappy but I learnt fast with lots of help from my friends and I absolutely loved my son and motherhood. I didn’t even mind the boring, tiring bits – yep I’m that annoying mummy.

So when I fell pregnant again 2 years later we were excited from ‘crossing the blue start line’. We booked a private 8 week early scan and the little bean was kicking away with a healthy heartbeat. We excitedly told our close family and we dreamed and planned for our new arrival on our holiday. At 12 weeks we went for my routine NHS scan, I had my 5 pound coins clutched ready for our photo and a bursting bladder. As I lay in the chair holding Tom’s hand I knew something wasn’t right. The sonographer was taking too long to speak. We heard the heartbreaking words ‘I’m so sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat.’ Crushed, numb, bewildered and broken, we were ushered into another room and made plans for ‘manual removal’. People were so nice but all I wanted was my little bean back. And I didn’t want to let go. I cried for 2 weeks.

9 months later I was pregnant and at the 12 week stage again. The unthinkable happened and history repeated itself. No heart beat. My wonderful friends and family rallied round, Tom was working overseas setting up a house ready for me and my little boy to join him a few days later, he desperately wanted to be with me.

This time I felt despair. The doctors tried to give me hope – there was no reason why I shouldn’t have another child, especially having had one already. Usually an optimist, I started to seriously doubt it.

Worse still, some people whispered and voiced my thoughts; I had left it too late, I should be happy with one son, I could try again. They meant well but only people who have miscarried understand the pain those comments bring with them. One person even suggested the stress of the move to Sydney caused my miscarriage when it’s well documented stress doesn’t cause pregnancy loss. I was so raw.

Two of my very close friends were with me the second time I had to go under for the-oh-so-technical term ‘manual removal’ – helping me make the appointment, looking after my little boy. Stepping in to hold me up. Others quietly put their arms around me and cried with me. Brought cake and wise words. Close family kept the wheels turning on my family life. I held it together with all their help – just.

12 months later, a move to Sydney, some rest and lots of sunshine, I found my Dali AMA. My inner compass. My belief and my fertility mojo. I had to try again.

Tom and I decided IVF was the way forward. Maybe it was the Sydney sunshine – I really believe sun helps, maybe it was the change of scenery, but we were one of those mythical couples that got pregnant naturally just after we had all the tests to start our IVF programme.

Following the advice of our doctor, during the first 20 weeks I injected Clexane into my stomach daily and also took two high strength progesterone supplements. I ate well, rested and prayed everyday to all and any fertility gods that it would work out.

I never really relaxed into the pregnancy fully, you can imagine the emotional bag of nerves I was during the first 12 weeks, terrified at each scan, praying for the best, expecting the worst. Terrified each time I went to the loo.

I pretty much worried through out the first 6 months though I found yoga and mindfulness meditation really helped me.

The worrying was worth every minute. All went textbook well, I now have a gorgeous, healthy, perfect, second son in my arms. I’m ridiculously grateful.

An early miscarriage can happen by chance. But the NHS website explains there are several things that increase the risk – age is considered a big factor.

• in women under 30, 1 in 10 pregnancies will end in miscarriage
• in women aged 35-39, up to 2 in 10 pregnancies will end in miscarriage
• in women over 45, more than half of all pregnancies will end in miscarriage

But on the flip side it’s well known that the stats about miscarriage are old and the research is poor.

So why am I sharing my story? I’m sharing to spread hope. I’m sharing to say don’t give up mums or mums-to-be over 35 if you’re having a tough time.

Don’t be swayed by the ne’ersayers who whisper you left it too late. Or the people who say you’re too old. Stay away from the doubters and shed off the well meaning but painful comments and most definitely steer clear of Google scaremongering. Keep the faith and believe. It can happen.

Taddy Mama down under

I'm a mum to two gorgeous boys. I live in Sydney and moved here in 2015 after my husband and I decided we'd like to experience life down under for a few years. I'm from Tadcaster in Yorkshire. I love fashion though my wardrobe is definitely more H&M than net-a-porter. I also enjoy a good cup of tea, reading my kindle, long walks, Pilates and seizing the day no matter what kind of night I've had with the kids.

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