I’m not fat I’m pregnant

SARAH TOPPING - 29 Mar 17

Last week as I stood in line at the card shop, an older lady hovering nearby looked me up and down (sideways on) and said ‘You look . . . hefty.’ I was so surprised I didn’t respond apart from with a bemused smile (did she actually say that?). What I should have said was ‘Well you smell very strongly of fish’, because she did, but obviously, I didn’t, and wouldn’t have anyway.

What’s the matter with people?

I was prompted to write this piece having seen an Instagram post by Molly Gunn, Selfish Mother founder, about her experiences today as someone expecting their third baby of the ‘You look so big!’ variety. Because so far this pregnancy I’ve been called a house, asked if I’m sure it’s not twins in there and also enjoyed the ‘Look how BIG you are!’ remarks. I’d thought I was doing okay too; I’ve kept up my swimming, been doing my little preggo-friendly workouts in the gym and not gone too crazy for the cakes and lattes. But it’s not enough, is it?

Equally, I’ve been told by some lovely friends I don’t look massive at all and that’s so much nicer (even if it’s not true) than being scrutinised and having your confidence knocked, at a time when you’re already feeling pretty emotional and highly strung.

With my first baby, I will never forget the time I walked into a lift at work with a friend and someone I’d just gone to greet for a meeting. Another colleague in the lift asked me when I was due. I said I had four months to go and she looked me up and down and exclaimed, in wide-eyed horror, accentuated by her French accent, ‘But yew are eeeeeeeenorrrmous!’ I was so embarrassed. What does it achieve? What’s wrong with telling someone who is already struggling with sleepless, uncomfortable nights, breathlessness and heartburn that they look lovely? That pregnancy suits them? Or simply asking them how they’re feeling, rather than judging them for how they look?

I should add here too it works both ways. I’ve been guilty of commenting on how teeny tiny a friend’s bump is, wow you’re so small, and been greeted with a look of anxiety and a hasty ‘Oh yes it’s small but the midwife says everything’s just fine’. Those kinds of personal comments? Not helpful either.

The thing to remember is this; you have no idea what that person whose bump you’re so freely commenting on went through to be this way. I could be ten times bigger and not care. I’m so relieved and grateful this baby is on his or her way. The person you’re judging by their size, not the amazing thing their body is doing? They are growing a human being. It’s a miracle – an actual miracle. They are growing a small person with a brain and eyes and nose and tummy and legs and heart and everything.

So don’t go breaking their heart with thoughtless comments that mean nothing to you but will stay with them for a long time to come. Because post-baby, the weight doesn’t miraculously fall away within days – despite what those stick-thin celebs on magazine covers, frolicking in the sea a week post-birth might have you believe. Your comments will stick, as she tries to get through the difficult days with the help of a cupcake or hot chocolate or giant Dairy Milk. She doesn’t deserve a massive dose of calorie-laden guilt as a side-dish.

So just be kind, and in the words of Thumper: ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.’

Image credit: spreadshirt.co.uk

SARAH TOPPING

Sarah Topping is a freelance creative copywriter at Playing with Words and former copywriter at Penguin Children's. Her clients include Pottermore from J.K. Rowling, Enid Blyton Entertainment, BBC Worldwide, Puffin Books and World Book Day. Sarah lives in London with her husband Adam and their sons Zachary and Jonah, who rock (and rule) their world. In between freelancing, she writes children’s stories and blogs about motherhood in all its guises, from the magic and joy to the potty training, tantrums and tripping over toys (pass the wine!). @SarahTopping3

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