I’m Too Lazy To Be a Mum!

Jess Helicopter - 14 Jul 16

I’m not being funny, but I seriously think I am too lazy to be a mum. I don’t think I ever expected it to be so…. relentless. Like, it is literally non-stop, high alert from the minute your eyes ping open til the minute they are allowed to droop back down into blissful rest. Why didn’t someone WARN me? I didn’t sign up for this!

I signed up for a few early mornings, sure! I knew the first few MONTHS might be a bit tiring….what with all that feeding through the night rubbish but then they sleep through and it’s totally fine, right? Oh yeah there might be a few nights when they’re ill….but like, how ill can a kid be? And if they’re ill….that means they sleep MORE right?

But actually it’s a bit harder than that. It’s LOADS harder. SO firstly they don’t sleep. Well, not in the way you THINK they should. Looking back at my first child, sleeping and feeding in 3 hour cycles…. I used to think I was unlucky because he wasn’t sleeping through at 6 weeks! But he kept that routine for months and I got big chunks of sleep around the 2 night feeds. Sometimes not even waking for the day until gone 9am! NINE AM!!!! Can you imagine?!

And guess what? I WAS blessed (hashtag blessed!!!) with a second baby who DID sleep through from 6 weeks…… but she screamed from 6-10pm every night without fail. For months and months. And if she was ill, she wouldn’t sleep at all. Match sticks for our eye lids and valium were on bulk order at that time….

But most less naive parents know that kids will take a while to settle into a decent sleep pattern. Possibly a good few years in. I honestly thought that at least by 2 we’d be done with the crap sleep. Early mornings, yes. Crap sleep…really? Imagine my horror upon discovering that even at 6 they can be awake almost every night! Night terrors! Hooray!!!!!

Right so that’s sleep. But even if you expect sleep to be crap for endless years…..did you expect to be not only a washing slave, but a housemaid, cook, transport system, entertainment provider, banker, nurse, and firm but fair disciplinarian? I mean, I guess on some level I had some abstract notion that I would be some or all of these things at some point, maybe…. But the reality….woah! Every flipping second…… even if you are the scummiest mum on the planet and you do no washing or cleaning or like the bare minimum to not die or be naked, all the other flipping things!

Doing food 3 times a day everyday AND thinking about their nutritional needs (while guiltily piling their plates with oven chips and frozen peas)!

Thinking of somewhere to take them for the morning/afternoon so they don’t spend the WHOLE day in front of the TV. Or even more impressive….on the very rare occasion you capitulate: you get the craft stuff out and end up putting it away again 5 mins after they started playing with it cos they instantly got bored…..

Trying to prise them apart with your pants half way up your legs cos they decided to start killing each other just was you went for a wee….

Fetching drinks and snacks ALL THE TIME. Usually when you’ve just sat down for a slug of cold coffee/tea and a Facebook scroll. I have to say….this is the bit that gets me the most. You’ve been fannying about all day taking them places, picking them up, clothing, feeding, cleaning, SOMETIMES entertaining them….you just want FIVE MINUTES and boooooom, there it is: “Mummy!!!! Can I have drink?” *weep*

I just want some time to lie around and do nothing again! Remember those weekends when you had huge swathes of glorious nothingness that you could fill up? I’d like a smidgen of that! I’m just too laaazzy for this shit!

I’ll let you into a little secret. I sometimes do it though. I sometimes take the day off work so that while my kids are at school/child-minder….I can go back to bed for a snooze, have a lazy hot coffee’d breakfast and then do whatever the hell I like. And I don’t feel guilty about it either. I think it’s super important that if you are feeling wrung out by the physical full-on-ness of having kids then you need a recuperation day too! I don’t do it often because despite all my moaning here, I do very much enjoy my kids company and I love hanging out as a family.

But sometimes lazy Mummies need some lazy time to do nothing too.

Jess Helicopter

Jess is a wine-addled, social media tart, feminist (does this need to be said?!) and chronic over sharer. She lives in Cardiff with her husband, children and some cats. Half heartedly trying to carve out a career by fancying herself as a bit of writer.

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