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In praise of teens

1
‘And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds….’  David Bowie

Something terrifying happened to me. I watched The Breakfast Club with my 16 year old son. If you know the film you’ll know the story beautifully pays homage to the tremendously complicated and confusing time of life we call ‘teen age.’ In the film, grownups are portrayed as complete bumbling idiots who have no relevance to the central character’s lives.

And that’s when it hit me: I am one of them. I have become…a grownup. Is that the way my

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son sees me?

I love being on the periphery of my teenagers – and their friends – lives. They eat my food, take my iphone charger(s) by accident (‘sorry I thought it was mine’), and sleep on my sofa 4 and sometimes 6 at a time. They’re inquisitive, deeply loyal to each other, and they make me laugh until my belly aches.

I’m tired of the ritualistic slagging off of teenagers by other parents and the media. ‘Oh yes I have a 16 yr old too – god it’s a nightmare!’ To which I’m supposed to respond ‘Hahaha yeah I know what you

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mean.’

It’s not a nightmare! It’s really fun being a parent to teenagers. Teenagers are the Edgar Allan Poe’s of the world. They are the Hamlets, the Simone de Beauvoirs. They’re going through a time in their lives pre-editing, and they feel very deeply and passionately. They’re not being ‘drama queens’ they’re just trying to figure it out.

Don’t you remember?

There’s a huge amount of life negotiation going on at this time. Young people between the ages of 13-18 have to contend with a stifling educational system where they

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have to ‘attain and achieve’ at every minute of the school day, and then come home to our well meaning but very weighty expectations we place upon them. Add to that their hugely important social structure which changes daily and where they fit within it. No wonder we are seeing more and more young people with stress related mental illnesses.

The difficulty is that our parenting guides are either out of date or not out until out next spring. Our world is changing so fast – what was once thought best practice quickly goes out of date. Similarly

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referring to your own upbringing brings with it a myriad of conflicted issues. You were never allowed out past midnight and if you came home late you were punished, i.e. not allowed to watch t.v. So what do you do when your teen does the same? Television is old hat and if you take their phone away they’ll only go and find the nearest electronic device. Add to this your own inner conflict about how you promised not to be authoritarian like your parents – you wanted to be more emotionally close to your children, but at the same time you don’t want to
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be ‘disrespected.’ It’s a challenge to get the right mix of boundary, guidance, trust and acceptance. But when you do it’s wonderful.

It’s about remembering the emotional landscape rather than the literal. You have to remember all those incredible feelings you felt whilst remembering that they are not you. In the 4th Century Taoist text Tao Te Ching, the role of the parent is compared to the role of an innkeeper at a crossroads, and the children are the travellers who use the facilities and move on. Our children are not our possessions, but

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like little spirits or animals in our keeping. As a parent the idea that I’m here to assist rather than control these amazing young people I share my life with is a helpful one.

The transition for parent and child into the teenage years is incredibly difficult to get right. But it can also be rewarding and joyous. Just remember as a family you’re all in it together. We need to celebrate this time of our children’s lives, not continually criticise it.

And yes we are bumbling idiots, but with good intentions, and hopefully relevant.

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- 11 May 16

‘And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds….’  David Bowie

Something terrifying happened to me. I watched The Breakfast Club with my 16 year old son. If you know the film you’ll know the story beautifully pays homage to the tremendously complicated and confusing time of life we call ‘teen age.’ In the film, grownups are portrayed as complete bumbling idiots who have no relevance to the central character’s lives.

And that’s when it hit me: I am one of them. I have become…a grownup. Is that the way my son sees me?

I love being on the periphery of my teenagers – and their friends – lives. They eat my food, take my iphone charger(s) by accident (‘sorry I thought it was mine’), and sleep on my sofa 4 and sometimes 6 at a time. They’re inquisitive, deeply loyal to each other, and they make me laugh until my belly aches.

I’m tired of the ritualistic slagging off of teenagers by other parents and the media. ‘Oh yes I have a 16 yr old too – god it’s a nightmare!’ To which I’m supposed to respond ‘Hahaha yeah I know what you mean.’

It’s not a nightmare! It’s really fun being a parent to teenagers. Teenagers are the Edgar Allan Poe’s of the world. They are the Hamlets, the Simone de Beauvoirs. They’re going through a time in their lives pre-editing, and they feel very deeply and passionately. They’re not being ‘drama queens’ they’re just trying to figure it out.

Don’t you remember?

There’s a huge amount of life negotiation going on at this time. Young people between the ages of 13-18 have to contend with a stifling educational system where they have to ‘attain and achieve’ at every minute of the school day, and then come home to our well meaning but very weighty expectations we place upon them. Add to that their hugely important social structure which changes daily and where they fit within it. No wonder we are seeing more and more young people with stress related mental illnesses.

The difficulty is that our parenting guides are either out of date or not out until out next spring. Our world is changing so fast – what was once thought best practice quickly goes out of date. Similarly referring to your own upbringing brings with it a myriad of conflicted issues. You were never allowed out past midnight and if you came home late you were punished, i.e. not allowed to watch t.v. So what do you do when your teen does the same? Television is old hat and if you take their phone away they’ll only go and find the nearest electronic device. Add to this your own inner conflict about how you promised not to be authoritarian like your parents – you wanted to be more emotionally close to your children, but at the same time you don’t want to be ‘disrespected.’ It’s a challenge to get the right mix of boundary, guidance, trust and acceptance. But when you do it’s wonderful.

It’s about remembering the emotional landscape rather than the literal. You have to remember all those incredible feelings you felt whilst remembering that they are not you. In the 4th Century Taoist text Tao Te Ching, the role of the parent is compared to the role of an innkeeper at a crossroads, and the children are the travellers who use the facilities and move on. Our children are not our possessions, but like little spirits or animals in our keeping. As a parent the idea that I’m here to assist rather than control these amazing young people I share my life with is a helpful one.

The transition for parent and child into the teenage years is incredibly difficult to get right. But it can also be rewarding and joyous. Just remember as a family you’re all in it together. We need to celebrate this time of our children’s lives, not continually criticise it.

And yes we are bumbling idiots, but with good intentions, and hopefully relevant.

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Julie Watson is Co director of Little Green Pig, a creative writing and mentoring educational charity for young people. She is also Trustee for Brighton Youth Centre in Brighton UK. She is a single mother with two sons aged 16 and 19.

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