In the end – I’m in love

Clare Burton - 24 Apr 18

First things first, I’ve been wanting to write something about my first weeks/ months of new motherhood for quite a while. Originally this piece was going to be about the first 8 weeks, then it was 12 weeks and then 3 months. We’ve now just passed the 4 month mark and I’ve finally dusted off the laptop and speedily tapping away while the little one snoozes. That in itself tells you one of things I’ve learnt so far – you’ll probably never get anything done on time or when you wanted to again!

It’s not exactly going to be mind-blowing stuff and probably not something a lot of people are interested in but I thought it would be cathartic and I needed to do something for myself – get the feelings out and maybe feel a little of the old me being sat in front of a laptop.

So these are my main ‘learnings’ from those first 17 weeks…

1. Breastfeeding is a bitch!

Basically it’s not for everyone and it wasn’t for me. I wanted it to be. I thought it would be easy, super natural – that’s what we’d learnt on our NCT course and seen on the DVD. No one mentions how hard it is, how you have to try and get it to work (even when you’re absolutely exhausted from lack of sleep). Everyone knows ‘breast is best’ – it’s really all we hear and read. What we don’t hear enough is what to do when it doesn’t work out. Where’s the support? Where’s the guidance? Where’s the real truth that although ‘breast might be best’ as long as you’re feeding your baby then you’re doing exactly what you need to do. I found my support within my NCT ladies. Actually out of 8 of us only 1 is now exclusively breastfeeding. We’ve all had to make the choice for different reasons but it’s safe to say all our babies are thriving, gaining weight and smiling away.

2. That bond

Our baby girl surprised us 2 and a half weeks early. And although that’s not that early in the grand scheme of things, (still full term) I wasn’t prepared. Saying that I don’t think I would have been prepared at 42 weeks. I’d only had one week of my four week maternity leave. All that luxury time planning to chill that I’d never have again and now would never have. I knew I loved her the second I held her in my arms but I’m not convinced I immediately felt that bond that everyone talks about. It’s taken time. Only now can I really recognise those deep feelings for her – the feeling that I’d do absolutely anything for her, that I’m fiercely protective of her and that ultimately she’s a part of me. She joins me and my husband together in ways nothing else ever will. I’ve learnt it’s ok to not feel that bond straight away. It doesn’t mean you love them any less but at the start everything is crazy – your hormones are all over the place and the lack of sleep, oh the lack of sleep (zzz…) and so to my next point…

3. Those crazy hormones/ the blues & that all important sleep

I definitely suffered from the blues. They started as my mum had said on day 4 which for us was Christmas Eve. We turned up at my parents for my mum to just simply say ‘how’s things?’ and for me to break down in tears right there and then. A hug from mum immediately made things better. We were marched inside, told to chill on the sofa – have a snooze if we could and mum would get us a cuppa. I couldn’t sleep then but just resting on the sofa for a couple of hours in the comfort on my parents’ house helped. However it didn’t stop there… I cried – A LOT! At times with no warning, evenings on the sofa, days when all had seemed to go right and days when all had seemed to go wrong. On my own in the car, when something happened on TV, in front of my husband, on my own in the morning, while breastfeeding at the start and I pretty much always was near tears when my mum asked me how I was doing (what is it with mums being able to bring things out in you). In those early days had it not been for my mum being near I’m not sure I’d be here now just talking about the blues. I can see how easy it would be to spiral into PND. Sometimes I still think I’m just inches away from it. Everything, just everything is magnified. You need to lean on those around you for support – cuddles, cry on their shoulder if necessary and talk.

4. Feeling alone with so many people around you

We’ve been lucky, we’ve moved back to our old home town with both sets of grandparents nearby and friends around the corner. We met a great group of couples doing NCT classes. Yet I’ve never had times when I felt more alone – even with a constant shadow attached to me. Early on I used to get my husband to sleep in the spare room, that way he could have a full nights sleep and he then took on a lot of the house work in the day (made sure I was fed and stocked up with tea). But those nights alone in our bed with a little feeding monster next to me took their toll and I was pleased when he came back. Not that he woke up during the night but looking over and seeing him there helped me. Even though this should be a dream year off from the hassles of work I’m still not keen on Monday mornings. After a weekend of doing the parent thing with my other half I still dread the beginning of a new week and that impending feeling of responsibility of looking after the little one all by myself. Dreaded thoughts of what will happen – how many crying fits will I have to deal with and what if something bad happens to her but before I know it its Friday again and I’m probably snapping away at my husband about the routine and what that certain cry means.

5. The wonder body

I’ve never had any major hang ups about my body. Yes I’m not keen on bits, there’s things I hide and outfits I definitely wouldn’t wear. I don’t always feel ‘bikini, beach body’ ready (whatever that even means) and there’s a list of ‘I wishes’ but I’m now in awe of the fact that I created a life in me. I grew those tiny ears, mesmerising eyes and gave life to that little smile. How can you hate something which created something so amazing? I was very lucky, I had a fairly easy pregnancy and a quick labour with what seemed like an even quicker recovery. Women need to be constantly amazed at themselves and not just if they’ve been pregnant/ given birth but I certainly now have a new found respect for the human body and what it can do. I’ll try not to take it for granted in the future.

6. Former me – craving my ‘old’ life

Alongside those feelings of the blues and loneliness sometimes are serious cravings for my ‘old’ life. To be brutally honest (and this is hard to say) I think I’ve even resented my little one for taking away that life. It’s all I’ve known for 33 years. I had to go to a meeting at work and immediately getting back on that early train, coffee in hand, time to listen to a podcast and walking those same old streets made me nostalgic for times gone by. It felt strange. Odd even. A double life. I’d never known that life, that workplace with munchkin as part of it. BC (before child) my husband and me spent all our weekends together doing exciting things, seeing friends, going off to wherever life took us. Now that’s not possible and I have to admit I miss it.

7. No judgement

I’m sad to say I’ve been that person annoyed at the crying baby, tutting at why that toddler is screaming in the supermarket. Never shall I judge again. It’s true when people say never judge people when you don’t know anyone’s situation. I feel that judgement when the little munch decides to have a screaming fit in the quietest place possible. It’s tough but in some ways I think it’s made me a nicer person because now I won’t judge and ignore someone, I’ll ask if they need help (not just in terms of parenthood) or give them that knowing smile instead which says ‘I understand and don’t worry – you got this’.

8. The weight of responsibility

For all my twenties I used to say to everyone I still felt like I was sixteen sometimes. I did the same things throughout those years and ultimately I was selfish. I know it’s not new news but parenthood changes that completely. The weight of that responsibility weighed heavy on me and still does. I feel constant worry, not just for that little baby but what if something happens to my husband, what if something happens to someone I love. In a strange way this new life has made me worry for life and now fear death even more. She’s made me realise time is speeding by and that life isn’t always going to be how it once was. I worry for my parents and family health even more. I know I’m stronger than I think but I can’t do this without them.

9. In the end – I’m in love

In love with this tiny little life that relies on me completely. In love with my husband for making that tiny little person and for all that he does. In love and with a newfound respect for my own mum – where does she get her strength? In love with all my family for all that they mean to me – they’re my blood. In love with my friends for they are the family I’ve chosen. In love with new friends muddling through this new parenthood game right beside me. Thankfully having these feelings of love helps to put all the bad days and anxiety to one side.

Clare Burton

View profile for posts, events and more info