INTROVERTED PARENTING

Corinne McKenna - 20 Mar 14

I have a confession to make. I don’t play with my kids very often. There, I have said it; it’s out in the open now. And while I am on a roll, here is another one. I do not talk to them all the time either. In fact, sometimes we can be in the same room for an hour or so and I don’t say a word to them.

You see, I am an introvert. Not just an “oh, I just need a little time to myself after the long day” kind of introvert but an ‘I need more space than an astronaut’ kind of introvert.

Now, introversion and Motherhood is not exactly a match made in heaven. As a general rule, introverts thrive on solitude (this does not mean they are anti-social, I could not imagine life without my amazing friends and family), orderly and quiet surroundings, and being able to complete one task at a time without interruption. I have a two year old and a one year old so you can imagine how often these core needs of my personality get met.

When we get home from a ‘play-date’, I will often hide in the kitchen, vacantly staring at my laptop and ignoring my boys, not because I don’t want to be with them but because I NEED to unwind and reset myself after being out and about.

For a long time after my first son was born I felt like I was missing some ‘parent gene’ because everything I read and all the pre/post natal classes I attended, informed, no insisted, that unless I carried, rocked, talked, entertained and played with my child CONSTANTLY he would end up with a variety of attachment disorders, have learning difficulties, and never develop his full potential.

So even though I felt like a fraud, I dutifully followed the ‘rules’ for modern parenting, and played the part that I felt was expected of me. However, I began to notice that on the days my son and I spent doing our own thing side by side in companionable silence – just playing and chatting when it felt natural to do so – were far more enjoyable for both of us.

Then, nineteen months later, along came sensitive, colicky baby number two. And everything I had ever read and all the rules about what a ‘good Mother’ should do went right out the window, because I was too tired, stressed and busy to spend hours building Lego blocks with my toddler and talk non-stop to my baby.

My second son was basically ignored for the first year, when he was awake and not feeding he was plopped on the play-mat to amuse himself while I detangled my toddler from whatever scrape he had gotten himself into and dealt with the never-ending washing, cleaning and cooking.

And guess what? He is now a happy, sweet thirteen month old, completely connected to his parents and doing everything a one year old should.

So if you are one of the estimated one third of the population that is an introvert and are struggling with combining this with the extrovert-based expectations of modern parenting remember:

• Introversion is hereditary, so if you have introverted children (as I do), you will be more likely to understand them and respect who they are rather than thinking something is wrong with them and push them to be more gregarious.

• If you are an introvert with an extroverted child you are in for an adventure! They will take you out of your comfort zone, teach you fearlessness and how to put yourself in the spotlight. Relish in the opportunity.

• Letting your child play on their own without being interrupted will not only give you a breather but develop their imagination and sense of self. They’ll find out who they really are and not just who you want them to be.

After nearly three years of parenting the only thing I am sure of is my boys, despite my sometimes lack of enthusiasm to play another game of car racing with them, know through my actions and words that I love them with every bone in my body. And that is why they are turning out just fine.

Corinne McKenna

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