It had to be you – Written to go

Yours, Carolina - 12 Jan 17

I’ve been wondering about the glue that makes two people stay together spanning decades of shared lives, loves and experiences. And, are we replaceable as an significant other? Could a stunt double take your place for example? They could look pretty similar, do the same sort of things that you do, some of them maybe even better, tidier, more organised. With nicer breasts.

But, could they ever really take your place? This got me thinking about our USP’s, Unique Selling Points.

What makes us unique in the eyes of our Mr Darcy? Is it even definable? Is it actually completely inexplicable?
During the wedding speeches, will you dispense with words and just stare and shake your heads silently at each other in awe of this phenomenon?
Is it just a feeling? Or more than a feeling? (Boston). An intense connection that you are at a loss to put words to? Is this why so much art is about love because it is so damn hard to define it in it’s purest form?

Is it like trying to understand the lyrics of Procol Harum’s Whiter Shade of Pale? I was feeling kinda of seasick, but the crowd cried out for more. The room was humming harder as the ceiling flew away, when we called out for another drink, the waiter brought a tray. The less said about the sixteen vestal virgins the better.

Imagine the two of you are pieces of a jigsaw that when fitted alongside each other make a complete picture. Picture perfect. You make sense. Literally, life makes sense with purpose and love shared. No laboratory experiment could determine what you feel. It’s inexplicable.

Can it be explained by biology or physiology?
In long-term attachment relationships our ventral pallidum (not to be confused with The Palladium, Grade 2 listed theatre in London’s West End) in our brain spark up and show increased activity, this area is rich in oxytocin and vasopressin receptors, the drugs that make us monogamous and have deep emotions for someone. Likewise, the limbic reward system remains active (which is usually the rush associated with early courtship) with couples that have a deep love bond.

Poems and songs are what we turn to in times of need.
To encapsulate the emotion of bereavement, a poem might speak to you. Or a poem might lick so close to the truth of how love feels to you. Through these mediums we are able to explain and deal with our sentiments. Feelings, very difficult to articulate. Thoughts are easier.

If I were to play you It Had to be you, by Barbara Streisand and Michael Buble, you’d understand better how I felt about my Alejandro. Even more so, Bailando by Enrique Iglesias. And for extra insight, All Of me, by Diana Ross and Julio Iglesias. It’s all terribly passionate, dear reader.

So what if someone had a very similar tessellating piece to the one you inhabit in your relationship? Not exactly the same, but similar? And when it was snapped in place next to it’s suitor it fitted adequately? It filled a hole. It didn’t fill a room, not like your relationship does now, but it’s stopped a gap. bunged a hole. However I write it, it sounds rude. Apologies.

Or, are we, like fingerprints completely unique? Irreplaceable you. It had to be you.

If I were to look at USP’s in a potential love interest, I might cite intelligence, dark latin brooding sexy looks, a body that would look great dancing the rumba next to mine, a bookish person who was also outdoorsy. An adventurer. A passionate lover of the same things I love. A passionate lover. A quiet contemplative countenance and smile that could launch a rocket. A kind and honest heart. A person generous with giving of themselves. A man who respects what I want and helps me dream my dreams. Lets me breathe. A doer. A fixer with a toolbelt. Someone who makes me howl with laughter. Someone who understands who I am, and what I will be. Someone who loves me completely. Someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously. Someone who takes me seriously, especially when he’s wearing his toolbelt. Someone open to new ideas and challenges, who is still a child at heart. Someone who is loyal and dedicated. Someone who loves old movies. Someone who is fun to be with. Someone who nurtures children and vegetable patches alike. Someone with a fertile mind. Someone who can take my breath away with a look or an Argentinian Tango Kiss. That’s what I’m looking for in his USP. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Or is it just a feeling? All those things are nice, but do these specifics follow the already enamoured heart?

Imagine that such an adonis of an Alejandro really did exist, and for whatever reason I didn’t see him as often as I’d like. What are the chances of another man, let’s call him Roberto, popping up and offering a near-perfect set of attributes? Reading my list, that’s pretty unlikely, but is what binds our pieces together, when they are a perfect coupling, supersedable?

Do you feel confident enough in your match that no one else will have the exact DNA of your relationship. It is unique. And as part of the relationship, is the USP actually the whole, rather than just the bit you bring to the party?

My mind turns to literary characters from great love stories. Mr Rochester for example. He of brooding dark good looks and a heavy but kind stare. He would be pretty hard to get a replacement for.

Wanted: Solitary man, who has a mad wife living in the attic. Dark brooding looks, essential. An unlucky sort who must be prepared to suffer a limp and loss of sight in one eye. Needs an indecently young governess. Likes dogs.

And Jane Eyre herself. Not an easy commodity to come by. Orphan with a benefactor, not classically beautiful. Clever and keen eyes. Cautiously fun loving and understanding. Must like dark brooding sexy men who don’t talk much. Must not get too freaked out with mad wives in the attic and not ask questions.

I think this goes to prove this love thing is completely the luck of the draw. Meeting the right person at the right time and the two of you together, the unity of who you become is your USP. Together you are a newly penned song, a country that hasn’t been explored yet. A novel that is written to go.

A Novel: of a kind not seen before; fresh; new; original. From the Latin novellus.

The romantic in me, believes in this precise interlocking of components, to make an unique whole. Neither piece can be replaced. There’s no substitute for Cristiano Ronaldo. When he’s on the subs bench, there is much anxious chewing of gum.

The other thing about Ronaldo (apart from his six pack and cheekbones) is that when Sir Alex Ferguson signed him aged 18, for Manchester United, he couldn’t believe his luck. The team needed the best talent, but a talent such as Ronaldo’s? You can’t expect that kind of magic. You don’t know you’re looking for it. How can you be looking for something incredible, until you actually find it, and then know that was what the team needed?
And so it is with love. You don’t know what completeness you’re looking for or needing until it bounds into your life unexpectedly. And then, you can’t imagine living without it, and hope that no transfer windows give it a better offer.

So, dear reader. Let us celebrate our individuality as individuals and couples, and let’s raise a glass to romance.
We may not be everyones cup of tea, but there will be someone who likes our milky, steaming hot, Lady Grey tea served in a bone china cup with a saucer. They are out there somewhere. Just remember to keep the kettle filled up and a supply of Jaffa Cakes, for when they decide to come knocking, cuban heels, whiff of Brut and all.

Yours, Carolina

Yours, Carolina

Writer and aspiring novelist who loves Jaffa Cakes, Michael Buble, Colin Firth, Audrey Hepburn, dramatic eyeliner and laughing until it hurts. Has children, which is nice. Once drank a whole bottle of tabasco sauce for a bet. Childhood crushes included Poncherello from Chips, Monkey (from Monkey Magic), Mr Claypole from Rentaghost and both of the Dukes of Hazzard boys. Doesn't like noodles.

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