It’s Complicated

Elana Lenox - 2 Jun 16

When people ask me how many children we have I find it a little difficult to answer.  I want to give them my real heartfelt answer but instead I always give them the easy one; Two daughters.  This is promptly followed by the age old “are you going to try for a boy next?” to which I reply “No” and then they generally feel it’s their duty to persuade me otherwise.

The truth is that I don’t want to make people feel bad by telling them the truth; because it will make them feel bad.  It makes me feel bad.  So I stick to the happy version and deflect anything that makes me feel too uncomfortable.

In an alternative world my answer would be “Three, a son who was stillborn five years ago, a two year old girl and a four month old girl”.  That’s the truth but instead of telling it I choose to spare a strangers feelings, day after day.  I’m not ashamed of him and I wish I felt more able to talk about him with people I first meet because he was here.  He existed, albeit inside of me for his whole life but he was real.

The day that we lost our son was most definitely the most horrendous day of my life.  To be told that the child who you’ve been looking forward to meeting for over 9 months is no longer alive is earth shattering.  I honestly didn’t believe the nurse at first when she shook her head as the scan showed no heartbeat.  I’d only come in for an induction! I remember having the most incredulous look on my face and telling her how she couldn’t possibly be serious.  Unfortunately she was very serious and I had lost my baby.  My very first baby.

Since that day I’ve done things that I never thought I’d have the strength to do, including giving birth naturally to our beautiful baby boy who looked absolutely perfect in every way and having the courage to hold him afterwards.  We’ve also battled with multiple miscarriages, countless drugs and hospital appointments; and finally two c sections which produced our gorgeous daughters.  One sentence had literally changed our lives forever.

Now I don’t expect people to know any of this when they ask about our children but I do feel a need to protect them from the truth.  To shield them from the pain that I feel so that they can be spared any embarrassment.  I don’t know if it’s selfless thing to do or a stupid one, but I hope one day to be brave enough to give the real answer to the question everytime.

Until then, perhaps I’ll stick to “It’s complicated”.

Elana Lenox

Where there's a will there's a way. I don't ever give up without a fight, especially when it comes to my husband and my children. I am the original lioness with a dash of modesty thrown in for good measure.

View profile for posts, events and more info