It’s okay to be happy.

Tetyana Denford - 10 Mar 16

Oh man, the struggle is real… Its so very hard being a mother.

Every mother struggles. She’s totally lying if she said she wasn’t. We all struggle.

We’re all hanging on by the end of our rope. We are all in this struggle together.

That Mum that seems perfect and happy? She’s not. She’s struggling too, but she’s not owning her struggle. She just hides it well.

Okay, so… we hear all of this a lot. We’ve all said it at some point, we’ve all experienced our own private issues and niggles and baggage with the chaotic mess of parenthood, and we also know someone who is living this narrative, and constantly says it, day in and day out. In the media world, it’s magazines, online forums, vlogs… they all urge us to “talk about the struggle”, and own up to the difficulties of being a mother… whether it be working, staying at home, pregnant. Mothering is hard and we need to own up to the fact that we are all “quietly struggling.”

I *totally* get it. No one jumps for joy when their kid wakes up three times at night regularly (especially when they’re 6). Waking up at 5:00am to catch your 2-year old’s projectile vomit in your handbag, because it’s the closest thing by your bed? Yeah, no one told you about *that* when you decided to have kids. When you haven’t washed your hair for three days and you’re wearing the same shirt with baby sick on it that you’ve worn for two weeks, all you want is the nearest mental institution to welcome you with open arms and a giant cup of tea (laced with sedative).

It’s all weird and challenging and confusing. And until recently, we all seemed to be hounded with images of “perfect” mothers in babydoll dresses and whitewashed floors that Philippe Starck probably varnished with is own hand. Apparently, being a mother meant prancing out of a J.Crew catalog with a golden-ringleted child and a kelly green handbag that cost £750. So, understandably, the backlash to that was a lot of mothers that raised their hands and said “Hey! None of that is real! My Cheerio-crusted hair and saggy boobs are real! *This* is what Motherhood looks like! It’s not glamorous and I can’t afford J.Crew because my children have taken away my disposable income!” And it’s a valid point.

However.

From conversations that I’ve had with friends recently, from things that I’ve overheard and read online, there seems to be a pretty large section of the Motherhood Tribe that has taken the “struggle” and seemingly made it a badge of honour. The constant narrative of “the struggle is real” is making it hard for lots of women out there to feel like they can’t own their happiness. There’s a sense of “it’s impolite to say that I don’t feel like I’m struggling”. And absolutely, there are heavier issues that can’t be ignored, and excruciating battles with depression, that’s a fact. And those can’t be put aside, but I think we can bring those women in as well. I think this can be an all-inclusive conversation because the idea of happiness, and how everyone shares it and celebrates it in their own different ways, is a positive conversation.

Isn’t it okay to just say, without feeling guilty… “hey… I’m genuinely happy. I love my life, and yes, I have the typical kid/mortgage/work/husband frustrations, but I’m not struggling. I genuinely feel confident and happy.”

A close friend of mine said the above to me the other day, and I remember thinking that it shouldn’t be so revolutionary to think if you’re happy, say it. Share it. That’s okay. Is that such a bad thing? Does it mean that you exclude others, or negate their genuinely important feelings of failure or not being able to cope? No, I don’t think it does. In fact, maybe think about it this way: owning your own happiness (whatever that may be) may actually affect someone else in a positive way– a little glimmer of a smile, or an actually, I’m happy too! revelation and all of a sudden women start kicking against the “popular” narrative and finding a new way of talking about their lives that can be embraced.

This is not a message about I’m Telling You to Find Your Happy! Sing and Dance and Do Jazz Hands! Not at all. (If it were, my friends would vote me off the island)

This is more of an observation about happiness and communication, I guess. Just because something seems “hard”, or “challenging” doesn’t necessarily make it more scout-badge-worthy than someone genuinely embracing the joy in their parenting life and doesn’t see obstacles in their path. All of us are in this together, and assuming that the “perfect” mother is struggling is the same thing as assuming that the “messy” mother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

My personal assumption is that deep-down, there is happiness/contentment/calm that all of us can tap into, and step off the dramatic-hamster-wheel of negativity from friends, media, family, ourselves. And it’s okay to explore it, because it’s not just about one group. It’s about all of us and all the hundreds of layers of complicated amazingness that Motherhood is made up of.

And if you feel that all those layers (even the ridiculously challenging ones) are generally pretty great and manageable? Well, I think it’s perfectly okay to say that. Even if you need a bit of tea spiked with sedative to help you do it.

Tetyana Denford

Tetyana is a Ukrainian-American mum of three, married to an Englishman, living in NY. She's written for Elle and Vogue magazines, and her first novel 'Motherland' is available at Amazon. She hosts a YouTube show called The Craft and Business of Books, translates for Frontline PBS news, and writes freelance.

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