It’s okay to not have it all figured out

Jess Soothill - 13 Oct 21

As a total cliche, when I was in my early twenties my life plan consisted of a successful career, marriage and kids – all by the age of 35 (not sure why 35, but it just seemed a good number!). It was widely encouraged in me, and these were goals that society expected of me. So I formulated the plan in my head and set out to achieve it.

Except that I learnt that life doesn’t go to plan. You can’t control or force things (or other people), and it eventually dawned on me that you need to be prepared for the ups and the downs, and the unexpected twists and turns.

Because what did happen to me was – I did indeed get married, but then I quickly got divorced because it didn’t work out (absolutely not part of the plan). Then I met a great guy and tried again at marriage, only to struggle for over five years to have a baby, (then two came along at once!). Also, the career that I had worked so hard at came to a natural end as a result of feeling ‘meh’ about it. 

As my ‘life plan’ hadn’t ended up playing out as perfectly as I’d hoped – all this did was leave me feeling immensely low throughout the parts that I felt hadn’t worked. Every bump I hit in the road I would experience terrible crushing disappointment that I was somehow failing, when really I wasn’t at all. Of course I know that now, (in hindsight), however at the time my worries only compounded as my age crept up and up due to my own imposed deadlines.

Now, at 42, I have thus given up on making huge life plans defined by age. I am much more relaxed to see where life takes me. I’m far more comfortable with spontaneity and the potential turbulence that life can bring (and it absolutely does). Sure, my husband and I might discuss moving house, or big work decisions, but in terms of ‘where I will be at 50, or 60’, it’s not something that I have all figured out in my head, or want to anymore.

Plans like booking a holiday or deciding to start a business are great, they also keep you motivated!, but equally as important is being prepared for plans to go adrift or potentially changing radically. This is good to keep in mind, and be mentally prepared for, so that you don’t end up feeling really flat if something comes up that throws you off course.

I’ve never just enjoyed being ‘present’ either. (As in, living in the moment). Which is terribly exhausting. And so I’m fascinated right now with people, anyone, talking about enjoying the process/journey rather than being focused ONLY on an outcome. Because whilst the final destination can be really nice when you get there, it often isn’t usually as thrilling or satisfying as you’d expect. Many people report about the post-wedding blues they experience after they get married and it’s true; sometimes we’re too wrapped up in that one special event that we don’t enjoy the lovely build up and the amazing small parts all along the way.

I am now in mid-life, have two kids aged 9, a husband, a puppy, two cats, a home, and a new writing career, and I’d describe myself as very content. Sure, life still throws me crap (hello global pandemic), but I’m super happy with not having the next twenty years figured out in my head (or stressing about executing them).

Rather than planning my life out to the max, it’s almost more exciting now to see where it goes and to naturally let it unfold before me. How liberating too.

Jess Soothill

Hi, I’m Jess a Mum of boy and girl twins. I work part-time in HR and I'm a writer.

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