It’s your fault your kid is batshit crazy – and other helpful parenting advice…

Isabelle Loynes - 15 Mar 17

If a stranger walked up to me and started telling me how to parent I would flick them the v’s and turn the other way. Yet when that stranger is online and markets themselves as an ‘expert’ we listen.

There are millions of parenting experts out there (maybe it just feels like it) many of whom’s only authority is having had a child themselves. This baffles me. I mean, I drink a lot of wine, that doesn’t mean I understand how it’s made, y’know?

Sometimes I stumble across parenting advice online and although some seems to be positive and helpful, other ‘experts’ want us to believe our children are bat-shit crazy because of stuff we’ve done, not because they are human beings with personalities, or anything like that.

I don’t normally read parenting books but hay, when has lack of expertise got in the way of people giving parent’s advice? So, below, I have channelled my inner ‘expert’ and handily put together a top ten list of all the shitty parenting advice that seems to be out there. Read it (hopefully laugh) and then remember that you know exactly what your child needs more than any sanctimonious stranger. Don’t let their bullshit undermine your gut feelings. Even when we really feel like we don’t know what the fuck to do we probably do know it’s just deep down, sometimes really, really, really deep down and we sort of need wine and chocolate and moaning to our friends to uncover it…

TOP TEN PARENTING TIPS ACCORDING TO THE INTERNET

1. If your child doesn’t eat vegetables it’s because you are a beige food eating slob who thinks a turkey twizzler is haute cuisine. Stop shoving chips in your mouth and show your poor child what a fucking tomato is.

2.    When your baby is born don’t EVER let them sleep on you, if they start to fall asleep   blow directly into their eyes and then eject them into their cot in a separate room. Or start singing something really manic and not at all sleepy – a Kate Bush song would suit. If you EVER let your child sleep on you, even if it’s just for one nap, they will be sleeping in your bed when they are eighteen. They will never be capable of a normal human relationships because they won’t ever be able to leave your bed. They will basically become mentally tied to your bed and will be like 43, eating all their meals in your bed and raising their family in your bed too. It will be like a really mental version of Charlie’s family in Charlie’s Chocolate Factory. You will be known as ‘The Bed Family’ and Sky will do a series on you which you might think sounds fun but is actually also really damaging to your child.

3. When you give in to your children you teach them that there are no rules in the whole world ever. You may think giving them a dummy when they need soothing is a good thing to do but tell you what, in eighteen years when your little darling is starting their first stretch inside for arson because you gave in to them, by buying them a cake that time in Costa when they were five, you will feel quite differently. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault that you don’t realise this stuff. I’m an ingenious earth mother put on this planet to share my wisdom with you because you are a feckless cretin who can’t make parenting decisions on your own.

4. Before I released my life-changing book on sleep and showed parents how to get their children to sleep, no children had ever slept. Even though children have been around for a quite a long time, they used to be awake 24 hours a day – these really creepy tiny little robot people with bright red eyes that illuminated in the dark and bore into your head whilst you tried to sleep. They just didn’t know how to sleep until I came along and taught you how to teach them. You are welcome.

5. Discipline. If you aren’t consistent with discipline then your child will grow up to not understand anything at all. They won’t even understand objects. They will think that chairs are wooden monsters and be terrified when they see them, they will think cups are phones and phones are tiny little animals. They will be totally confused about everything all the time.

6. If your child doesn’t learn to swim by the time they are eight months old then you have failed as a mother and you may as well give them up for adoption. Is it because you want your child to drown one day? Is that why you won’t get off your fat arse and pay for them to learn to swim?

7. As above but for languages. If they can’t speak mandarin when they are four then you clearly don’t give a shit about them ever getting a job. They will be sponging off you for the rest of their god-forsaken life. Good one lazy parent.

8. If you kiss your child on the lips then they will think that they have to kiss everyone all the time and they won’t understand human boundaries. They will go through their adult lives kissing every single human, animal and inanimate object that ever comes into contact with them. Just like their promiscuous mother.

9. Whilst you must always discipline your child you must also never say ‘no’ to them or raise your voice. Instead, give them options. Like, ‘Ophelia, would you like to stop hitting mummy over the face with the colander and bake a gluten-free loaf with mumma instead?’ If you raise your voice to your child they will think the only way to respond to anything is with anger. Have you seen the film, The Hulk? That’s what your darling child will turn out like. One angry kid who shouts their answers to every question and always writes text messages in ALL CAPS.
10. Stop dampening your child’s creativity with your arbitrary rules. ‘Don’t draw on the walls,’ ‘Don’t dunk your entire face in porridge’. Get out of your tiny little thought box – small minded parent. How do you think Tracey Emin learnt her trade? She smeared her own shit over the walls of her parents house, it was her first work of art and she called it ‘The Floored Nappy’. Every time your stop your little one from smearing food into the TV screen you are dampening their creativity. Philistine.

Isabelle Loynes

Journalist, Author, Mum to Dot, living in Brighton.

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