January Blues

Suzy Wilson - 12 Jan 21

I have tried today, like we are all trying right now, but it hasn’t gone well.  I have morphed into a stroppy teenager – banged and clattered around the house, snapped and given unreasonable answers to perfectly reasonable questions.  After getting up as normal, the seemingly endless list of domestic chores irritated me.  I didn’t appreciate the low winter morning sun, it only served to highlight every bit of dust and point out the windows need cleaning.  Spending so much time at home you are constantly reminded of all the jobs require attention – but lockdown three means there’s no longer any motivation to do them.  I fed the dog, unloaded the dishwasher, ‘tidied’ – again – and tried to find something to look forward to.

I tackled the ironing while watching the news – a lot of focus on America which only seemed to fuel the feeling that stability, hope and rational thinking are collapsing around us.  My day was taking a downward turn!  I don’t mind ironing, it’s cathartic to smooth out the wrinkles and return items to a neat, folded state, but I do resent the three days it takes to repatriate things to their correct home.  The aftermath of the decorations is still present with a sprinkling of pine needles and sparkly dust, so a bit of hoovering felt in order – even Henry wasn’t up to the job today, his tubey nozzle detaching itself in protest at having to work!

Before I knew it lunchtime was beckoning and that finished me off – I looked in the fridge and, despite shopping twice this week, the shelves offered no inspiration.  I conjured up my best offering, but it wasn’t met with much enthusiasm.  I wasn’t doing well at containing my irritation – my mood was being felt.  ‘Are you alright?’ – ‘Is everything OK?’  Everyone skulked out of the kitchen and I was faced with abandoned plates, leftover food and the clearing up.  I left it too.

Now the dog was nagging me – staring at me from outside demanding her afternoon walk.  My daily exercise with my four-legged friend has become a highlight of the day, but even this didn’t cut the mustard.

Once home I retired upstairs, read briefly and then hibernated under my dressing gown for a good hour and a half – I needed to get out of this mood.  I needed to re-set as I was aware others in the house were reaching the ‘let’s just tip-toe’ around her stage.  Unfortunately, when you’re an adult you’re not allowed to act all ‘Kevin and Perry’ for long, which is a great shame as sometimes all you want to do is throw things on the floor, stamp your feet and slam doors!

January with its grey skies can prompt these feelings during the best of times, but the past week hasn’t been the best start.  Like many, I am bored and fed-up; there are health problems and uncertainty around education and jobs and although improvements and positives are coming our way it all feels a little distant.  Due to a mixture of circumstances, my work life has pretty much disappeared leaving a big hole and a lack of purpose – whereas others are so busy there aren’t enough hours in the day.  There are always inequalities, but as in so many ways the current situation has seemed to make the divisions and irregularities even greater.

During the first lockdown I heard a good analogy in response to the phrase ‘We are all in this together’.  Not quite true – we are all in the same storm, but we are weathering that storm in quite different ways.  Some are in a small, leaking dinghy while others cruise along in a superyacht.  I know, comparatively speaking, I am bobbing about in a medium sized motor cruiser – but some days the petrol tank runs a bit low!

Suzy Wilson

Suzy, a teacher and writer, lives near the coast in Hampshire with her husband, three children and Lola the schnoodle.

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