Juddery Moments

Madeleine Thompson - 3 Aug 17

Have you ever had a juddery moment when you realise that the woman staring back at you in the mirror is not who you thought you were or who you felt like? When you are reminded you’re a grown-up now?  I have these moments.  Mainly they are around how I physically perceive myself.  I am sometimes in total denial that I am no longer the svelte creature that I was in my twenties.  Mother Nature reminds me of this with sickening frequency.  Somewhere along the way, I traded in that body and exchanged it with the body of a woman inching slowly towards the middle ages.  Mostly, the threads of my life fit together in a way that is sympathetic to those frequent jolts. I can do the other grown-up things and it becomes less of a disappointment every time a judder comes and, gradually, my physical perception becomes more realistic.  Almost.

But it isn’t just the odd ‘looking glass’ moment. It can be a whole series of memories that trigger that realisation all over again.  Moments like when I was having tea with my husband and the children and The Verve’s Sonnet came on the radio and I was transported momentarily back to the summer of 2003 and into the bedroom of an old beau in my university town.  And moments like the recent family holiday we had in the region of France where I spent my holidays as a mid-teenager trying desperately to look cool and gorgeous and where I would get lost in my own world where I would suddenly be ‘of age’ and would have the romance of my life with dreamy French guys called Etienne or Francois.  Walking around on this holiday, 20-something years on, it was another slow punch to the gut that those times have been and gone.

I’ve blogged before about how I feel that the years I am in now are a bit of a no-womans-land because I’ve left my twenties, which are pretty much defined as the time when you can still get away with having massive amounts of fun and not behaving like a grown-up, and I haven’t reached my forties yet, where the proper grown-ups live.   I think it’s a conundrum for us Millennials who are at the top of our generation bracket, where we cannot legitimately claim to be X-ers but we are not completely at ease with the traits our generation is supposed to share.  It appears this is not unheard of in the wider world either.  If you search online, thousands of entries come up about people who have felt the same feelings.

Some of you may be familiar with this.   If this does sound like you, I am pleased to know I am not alone.    But what do we do to help ourselves, if indeed we need helping?  Do we cancel all holidays that remind us of our youth?  Do we stop looking in the mirror and stop listening to the radio until the transformation into a proper grown-up is complete?  Or do we just look to find others like us?  What do the young folk call them?  Tribes.  Squads.

Personally, I like to read things that make me feel better.  I like to read things that expand my mind too but it is always reassuring to find there are others out there like me and that my feelings are justified and validated.   I recently discovered The Midult™.  This fabulous website, founded in 2016, is packed full of articles and features that basically just make you feel better at being in the years of your life that begin circa 35 where you are not quite sure where you fit.   Articles that have you thinking ‘Yes, that’s me’, ‘I could have written this!’ and ‘Amen!’.

So perhaps I will start with this and carry on seeking out the kind words that make it feel less of a harsh transformation .  And perhaps change my radio station too.

Madeleine Thompson

I am mum to my little chicks, Aisha, 6 and Abel, 4. Originally from Yorkshire, UK, I now live in a little town in the North West. By day, I work for myself as a freelance PA. By night, I indulge my passion for writing.

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