Lesson From My Three Year Old

Alexandra Appleton - 6 Oct 16

We have just celebrated my little boy’s fourth birthday and it is safe to say that he is quite a character. Mad as a hatter, frequently cheeky, and THE loudest person in our house, I thought it would be interesting to view the world through his eyes during this last year. What are the fundamental life rules for a three year old boy? So here is the advice offered by my son, for better or worse…..

1. Roaring

Make sure you roar wherever and whenever possible. Oh, and as loud as possible. Grabbing someone’s attention is so much more fun when it’s done with a sudden, super loud ROOOAAARR.

For me, it’s best to do it:

• Whilst sitting in a quiet train carriage (especially going up to Liverpool so you have to avoid the confused looks of the unsuspecting passengers for the next 2 hours)
• When passing a particularly elderly lady/gentleman (just to give their heart a test)
• In the queue in the bank….after all banks are just boring
• While Mummy is on the loo…..in a quiet public toilet…..sharing the cubicle with mummy…..with a long queue…
• …….You get the idea

2. Travelling Speed

We all know that walking at a normal speed is to be expected and any three year old must keep their grown up on their toes. You must also choose exactly the right moment to do the exact opposite of what your grown up really wants. So, you must either run as fast as is humanly possible for your slightly short legs and make your grown up chase after you frantically shouting STOP, or trudge at least twenty paces behind and wail “I’ve got no energy” on repeat. If all else fails, refuse to take one more step and demand a shoulder ride, despite the fact that your grown up is pushing the pram with your little sister in.

[*Top grown up tip: hips are wonderful things to nudge the pushchair along as you grab your little ones legs in a vice-like, one-handed grip and attempt to steer the baby, also,  one-handed.]

3. Travelling Continued…

Continuing in the travelling theme, how do you move around in your own home? The answer is simple. Why walk, nicely and slowly from room to room, when you can jump, somersault or hurdle your way around the house? The sofa is definitely your new trampoline. Balancing precariously along the back of it is your own personal tightrope. Testing out, and eventually achieving, the long, long jump between sofa and armchair on the opposite side of the room is your superhero test to become the next Spiderman.

4. The 4pm Grump Slump

When you haven’t napped regularly since your 1^st birthday, you’ve got this down. (By the way you’ve also passed your knowledge on to your little sister, thanks.) 4pm is THE time to remind your grown up that you’re pretty tired right now but are definitely not ready to admit it. Instead you’re going to fight it with all your might and, generally, just be as annoying as possible. Top examples of this fine behaviour are:

• The sudden inability to control your limbs, resulting in sudden thrashing, whipping out of legs, manic head shaking etc.
• Finding it intensely satisfying to take out your little sister with one swift grab of her leg, flooring her in an instance. Result!
• Losing your hearing, especially if your grown up asks a question/makes a request…..unless it involves food duurrrr.
• Manic laughter – Joker style

5. Noise in General

All of the above and more.

6. Asking Questions

Never ask a question just once. It’s much more fun to ask the same question ten times over BUT cleverly rephrase it each time just to catch your grown up out. Our current favourite at bath time pretty much reads as follows:

• ‘Do you have to wash my hair tonight?’ – NO
• ‘But do you have to rinse it, or wash it?’ – NO
• ‘Oh, so you don’t have to put water on it?’ – NO
• ‘So are you going to put the shower over my hair?’ – NO
• ‘You mean the shower won’t turn on, even if I’m naughty?’ – NO [parenting threat right there]
• …..AND REPEAT, WAHEY!

7. Managing the younger sibling

This little person came into your life when you were two and now they’re mobile and adore you, you know exactly how to deal with them. Work out your younger sister/brother’s pressure points and exploit them to the max for your grown up’s fun.

Our current favourite is to give Mummy a sly look, whisper ‘Peppa’ in little sister’s ear and then sit back to watch chaos ensue. Little one now runs around manically shouting ‘PEPPA’ on repeat and looking for any screen on which Peppa Pig might magically appear. OR, she flings Peppa books at Mummy’s bum still yelling ‘PEPPA’. How fun!

8. The Lure of David Attenborough

So I loved (and still do love) David Attenborough. So much so that I love to remind my grown up that they probably should have watched Attenborough do his thing a lot more to keep up with my animal knowledge/questions.

• ‘Mummy, wild dogs have stamna, David Attber said so’
• ‘Mummy, this isn’t a blue whale, a killer whale, or a humpback whale, so what kind of whale is it?’

[The only 3 I know, immediately out of contention…..damn. Apparently it was a bowhead whale, who knew?]

9. The Games

You like games, lots of games. And, unfortunately for the grown ups, you don’t mean jigsaw puzzles (they were sooo aged 2), Operation or Buckaroo. Nope, you like to pretend to be Spiderman, Ironman, The Hulk [*insert any superhero here] while you walk home from preschool/the supermarket/the park. My Mummy then gets to mutter secretively about how she’s Ana and she really hopes to meet a superhero today – cue ‘LOUDER MUMMY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!’ No, but every stranger Mummy passes can…….

10. The Shy Offensive

Despite all of the above, if you are in an unfamiliar/vaguely scary situation, ignore all the above. I REPEAT – IGNORE ALL THE ABOVE.

You are shy and do not know how to talk/reply to anyone/show any emotion.

Refer back to David Attenborough – DEFENCE!

There’s probably more, but we think that’s a good start! Enjoy the three year old years…..it gets even more fun when you’re four right?

Alexandra Appleton

I am a 31 year old mum to two cheeky chimps, Jackson (4) & Florence (1). We moved down to the south-east of England from Liverpool in 2014. I completed my PhD in 2015 and am now a freelance writer and editor. How do you balance tiny ones, no child care and work? Who the hell knows but we're giving it a bash!

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