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Let’s Talk About Respect Baby.

1
I write my blog, in a thoughtful but largely light hearted way, about the things that toddlers do that push our buttons.  But earlier this year, something really pushed my buttons: when I read that in 2016, young women are still being told to take responsibility for a man’s unwelcome gaze or actions.

A deputy principal at a school in New Zealand, called a group of 15 and 16 year old girls into a meeting, and requested that their school skirts are worn no shorter than knee level.  On the face of it, it’s not an uncommon request in schools, nor is

SelfishMother.com
2
it inappropriate for a school to have a dress code.  In fact many moments in life call for a dress code: weddings or funerals for example.  But the reason the request was made was to ”keep our girls safe, stop boys from getting ideas and create a good work environment for male staff.”

Parents and commentators were (quite rightly) outraged by not the request itself, but the reasons behind it, saying that it sends a message to young woman that they are responsible for the actions of a young man (older men too apparently who are seemingly too

SelfishMother.com
3
distracted by a short skirt to teach).  It also sends a message to the young men (and again the older ones) that their behaviour is uncontrollable, that they have no responsibility over their choice to look, or to behave appropriately.

It reminded me of that debacle caused in 2015 after a (male) Nobel scientist said that the problem with women in the lab is that they cause men to fall in love with them, then cry when criticised.  Or police campaigns that seem to imply that it’s a women’s responsibility to not be attacked on a night out.  And

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just a couple of days after I felt compelled to write about it, something similar happened in a school in this country, in Milton Keynes.

We are 16 years into the 21st Century on this planet, but some people are still enforcing the notion that it’s a woman’s fault if she receives unwanted, or unpleasant attention.  What happened to teaching our young people about consent?  What happened to encouraging the next generation that they can help achieve gender equality through respect for one another?  Are we educating young men and women about how to

SelfishMother.com
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treat each other within a relationship?  Are we speaking up when older generations reinforce outdated stereotypes?

Fast forward just a few months, and I read recently about a change.org petition set up by Laura Bates calling for sex and relationship education (SRE) to made compulsory in all schools.  Laura visited a school where the staff were dealing with a rape case involving a 14-year old boy. A teacher asked him: “why didn’t you stop when she was crying?” He replied: “Because it’s normal for girls to cry during sex.” It broke my

SelfishMother.com
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heart to read this, that a young man was so uneducated that he thought this was normal.  And if my heart wasn’t broken enough, it was shattered to pieces to read that a recent BBC Freedom of Information request revealed that 5,500 sexual offences (including 600 rapes) were reported to police as having taken place in schools, over a 3-year period. That’s almost one rape per school day.  That’s a shocking statistic isn’t it?

Kids today have access, through the internet, to things that my generation could never have imagined.  That’s not to

SelfishMother.com
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say that my generation have it all worked out.  The teachers in the above mentioned articles clearly need a little extra curricular education, if they’re to stop reinforcing these negative and damaging messages.  So it was a no-brainer for me to sign Laura’s petition, and I’m ever hopeful that by the time my daughter reaches school age, she’ll be (age appropriately) taught about healthy relationships and respect.

But it starts with me (and of course her dad).  I often read articles and blogs about how to engage with our children, to teach

SelfishMother.com
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them to be respectful and kind to each other, and how to watch for the signals that a friend is unhappy.  I read (and write) about encouraging children to talk and communicate effectively: it starts when they’re little.  I’ve said before how powerful our words are and what a profound effect they can have.  I can only hope that every child has someone in their life who encourages communication and caring, consensual behaviour, and would agree that the above archaic message is just that: outdated.  And if they don’t have someone like that in their
SelfishMother.com
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life, then I hope that when they get to school, SRE will be on the curriculum alongside maths and English.  I truly hope Laura’s petition is successful and parliament steps up and does the right thing.

In 1928 the Equal Franchise Act was passed giving women over the age of 21 the right to vote.  In 1970 the Equal Pay Act was passed to prevent discrimination, as regards terms and conditions of employment, between men and women.  In 2016, let’s not wait for that act of parliament, let’s talk to our children about equality and respect and

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consent.  Let’s not enforce the message that we don’t all have a choice how to behave; we choose how we treat people.  We make choices about our behaviour.  Let’s choose to encourage our children to respect each other.  Regardless of skirt length or gender.

A shorter version of this post first appeared on Baffled & the Button-Pusher

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- 22 Sep 16

I write my blog, in a thoughtful but largely light hearted way, about the things that toddlers do that push our buttons.  But earlier this year, something really pushed my buttons: when I read that in 2016, young women are still being told to take responsibility for a man’s unwelcome gaze or actions.

A deputy principal at a school in New Zealand, called a group of 15 and 16 year old girls into a meeting, and requested that their school skirts are worn no shorter than knee level.  On the face of it, it’s not an uncommon request in schools, nor is it inappropriate for a school to have a dress code.  In fact many moments in life call for a dress code: weddings or funerals for example.  But the reason the request was made was to “keep our girls safe, stop boys from getting ideas and create a good work environment for male staff.”

Parents and commentators were (quite rightly) outraged by not the request itself, but the reasons behind it, saying that it sends a message to young woman that they are responsible for the actions of a young man (older men too apparently who are seemingly too distracted by a short skirt to teach).  It also sends a message to the young men (and again the older ones) that their behaviour is uncontrollable, that they have no responsibility over their choice to look, or to behave appropriately.

It reminded me of that debacle caused in 2015 after a (male) Nobel scientist said that the problem with women in the lab is that they cause men to fall in love with them, then cry when criticised.  Or police campaigns that seem to imply that it’s a women’s responsibility to not be attacked on a night out.  And just a couple of days after I felt compelled to write about it, something similar happened in a school in this country, in Milton Keynes.

We are 16 years into the 21st Century on this planet, but some people are still enforcing the notion that it’s a woman’s fault if she receives unwanted, or unpleasant attention.  What happened to teaching our young people about consent?  What happened to encouraging the next generation that they can help achieve gender equality through respect for one another?  Are we educating young men and women about how to treat each other within a relationship?  Are we speaking up when older generations reinforce outdated stereotypes?

Fast forward just a few months, and I read recently about a change.org petition set up by Laura Bates calling for sex and relationship education (SRE) to made compulsory in all schools.  Laura visited a school where the staff were dealing with a rape case involving a 14-year old boy. A teacher asked him: “why didn’t you stop when she was crying?” He replied: Because it’s normal for girls to cry during sex.” It broke my heart to read this, that a young man was so uneducated that he thought this was normal.  And if my heart wasn’t broken enough, it was shattered to pieces to read that a recent BBC Freedom of Information request revealed that 5,500 sexual offences (including 600 rapes) were reported to police as having taken place in schools, over a 3-year period. That’s almost one rape per school day.  That’s a shocking statistic isn’t it?

Kids today have access, through the internet, to things that my generation could never have imagined.  That’s not to say that my generation have it all worked out.  The teachers in the above mentioned articles clearly need a little extra curricular education, if they’re to stop reinforcing these negative and damaging messages.  So it was a no-brainer for me to sign Laura’s petition, and I’m ever hopeful that by the time my daughter reaches school age, she’ll be (age appropriately) taught about healthy relationships and respect.

But it starts with me (and of course her dad).  I often read articles and blogs about how to engage with our children, to teach them to be respectful and kind to each other, and how to watch for the signals that a friend is unhappy.  I read (and write) about encouraging children to talk and communicate effectively: it starts when they’re little.  I’ve said before how powerful our words are and what a profound effect they can have.  I can only hope that every child has someone in their life who encourages communication and caring, consensual behaviour, and would agree that the above archaic message is just that: outdated.  And if they don’t have someone like that in their life, then I hope that when they get to school, SRE will be on the curriculum alongside maths and English.  I truly hope Laura’s petition is successful and parliament steps up and does the right thing.

In 1928 the Equal Franchise Act was passed giving women over the age of 21 the right to vote.  In 1970 the Equal Pay Act was passed to prevent discrimination, as regards terms and conditions of employment, between men and women.  In 2016, let’s not wait for that act of parliament, let’s talk to our children about equality and respect and consent.  Let’s not enforce the message that we don’t all have a choice how to behave; we choose how we treat people.  We make choices about our behaviour.  Let’s choose to encourage our children to respect each other.  Regardless of skirt length or gender.

respect-etc-square

A shorter version of this post first appeared on Baffled & the Button-Pusher

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Is your little one pushing your buttons? Mine too! Mrs Baffled lives in South East London with Mr B and a beautiful, funny 3 1/2 year old known as the Button-Pusher. You can find her blogging out the #mumstress at Baffled & the Button-Pusher and writing rhyming children's stories to maintain her sanity. Come and say hi. x

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