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View as: GRID LIST

LET’S STOP SAYING ‘MAN UP!’

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My son wrestles with his younger brother on a daily basis, but it’s usually play-fighting rather than anything more forceful. He has always been gentle and is never the one to start a scrap. In fact, he’s often the one at the bottom of the pile, sobbing and pleading with the other boisterous boys (or his little-but-built-like-a-brick brother) to let him breathe.

He doesn’t fight back – and this is no bad thing. I am incredibly proud that he is kind and sensitive. That he doesn’t go round poking sticks in other children’s eyes or pushing

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people over in the playground. That he cries and knows that it’s totally okay to be male and cry. I think it’s important to encourage my sons to talk about their emotions openly in order to deal with them effectively, especially as they grow and life becomes more complex.

But now my eldest is about to turn six I am beginning to notice how society still puts a lot of be-a-man pressure on boys. Images of super-strong men flexing their muscles are everywhere and sport is loaded with tough talk. Whilst watching my son play rugby at his weekly club

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session last season, I watched parents of the older players yell with force from the sidelines: ‘Come on, get in there son!’ they’d bellow when their child was in the midst of a scrum; ‘Man up!’ or ‘Be brave!’ they’d demand when their offspring had a nasty fall and the tell-tale bottom lip was beginning to quiver. And if any tears fell down cheeks, they were wiped hastily away so that nobody spotted them.

Luckily tag rugby is as rough as it gets for my son – and he loves every minute he’s out there on the pitch. In fact, rugby has been

SelfishMother.com
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amazing in terms of building his confidence. He’s gone from keeping quiet and knowing nobody to shouting out ’Pass!’ to his team mates and even winning trophies.

But hearing the macho talk among the older children, who often play on despite a nose bleed or a hard tumble, makes me question if my son will be physically or mentally strong enough to ‘get in there’ with the others when he gets to their age.

And this man-up attitude among young males isn’t just found in sport; it’s in the park when a boy falls off the climbing frame (‘Don’t

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cry like a girl, get up!’) and it’s in TV programmes and books when the action hero saves the day whilst sporting huge biceps.

For boys that don’t fit the physically-and-mentally-strong box that society so often tries to squash males into, these macho messages are confusing. Instead of telling our boys to man up, we need to teach them that being a man isn’t about physical strength and talking tough, it’s whatever you want it to be. There are no set rules; you just have to ignore the people who tell you otherwise.

So instead of yelling

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‘Man up!’ to their sons, parents should be cheering ’Go on, be who you want to be!’ as they watch from the sidelines of life.
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- 18 May 16

My son wrestles with his younger brother on a daily basis, but it’s usually play-fighting rather than anything more forceful. He has always been gentle and is never the one to start a scrap. In fact, he’s often the one at the bottom of the pile, sobbing and pleading with the other boisterous boys (or his little-but-built-like-a-brick brother) to let him breathe.

He doesn’t fight back – and this is no bad thing. I am incredibly proud that he is kind and sensitive. That he doesn’t go round poking sticks in other children’s eyes or pushing people over in the playground. That he cries and knows that it’s totally okay to be male and cry. I think it’s important to encourage my sons to talk about their emotions openly in order to deal with them effectively, especially as they grow and life becomes more complex.

But now my eldest is about to turn six I am beginning to notice how society still puts a lot of be-a-man pressure on boys. Images of super-strong men flexing their muscles are everywhere and sport is loaded with tough talk. Whilst watching my son play rugby at his weekly club session last season, I watched parents of the older players yell with force from the sidelines: ‘Come on, get in there son!’ they’d bellow when their child was in the midst of a scrum; ‘Man up!’ or ‘Be brave!’ they’d demand when their offspring had a nasty fall and the tell-tale bottom lip was beginning to quiver. And if any tears fell down cheeks, they were wiped hastily away so that nobody spotted them.

Luckily tag rugby is as rough as it gets for my son – and he loves every minute he’s out there on the pitch. In fact, rugby has been amazing in terms of building his confidence. He’s gone from keeping quiet and knowing nobody to shouting out ‘Pass!’ to his team mates and even winning trophies.

But hearing the macho talk among the older children, who often play on despite a nose bleed or a hard tumble, makes me question if my son will be physically or mentally strong enough to ‘get in there’ with the others when he gets to their age.

And this man-up attitude among young males isn’t just found in sport; it’s in the park when a boy falls off the climbing frame (‘Don’t cry like a girl, get up!’) and it’s in TV programmes and books when the action hero saves the day whilst sporting huge biceps.

For boys that don’t fit the physically-and-mentally-strong box that society so often tries to squash males into, these macho messages are confusing. Instead of telling our boys to man up, we need to teach them that being a man isn’t about physical strength and talking tough, it’s whatever you want it to be. There are no set rules; you just have to ignore the people who tell you otherwise.

So instead of yelling ‘Man up!’ to their sons, parents should be cheering ‘Go on, be who you want to be!’ as they watch from the sidelines of life.

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Fiona Pennell lives in the Cotswolds with her husband and their two boys, Jack, 6, and Otto, 4. A former YOU magazine sub-editor, Fiona now spends her days being trampled on, going on slug hunts and dreaming of lie-ins. (Twitter: @fiona_pennell)

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