Let’s talk about sex (dickhead)

Olivia Horne - 22 May 17

“Yo, I don’t think we should talk about this. Come on, why not? People might misunderstand what we’re tryin’ to say, you know? No, but that’s a part of life. Come on.” – Salt’n’Pepa

We don’t talk enough about how our bodies and our confidence and our appetites have changed since all the sprogging. We don’t share the woes and the worries and the weird wonky bits, for fear that it’s just us. Personally, I have not felt remotely sexy (whether for his benefit or my own) for over five years, since our first child was conceived. We think that everyone else is having honeymoon sex off the chandeliers the minute the kids are asleep. And it’s making us feel alone, uncomfortable, exhausted, and like we’re just letting someone else down. (And I’m pretty sure none of us need extra additions to the guilt/failure/inadequacy list.) So we’re stepping out of our British comfort zones so that you can get more comfort and joy into your, um, zones.

Actress, writer and mum of two Stephanie Moore has a way of saying what we’re all thinking in a way which makes it ok, and normal, and just goddam funny. Here is her reworking a Salt’n’Pepa classic for the modern mama.

So. Come on. Let’s talk about sex.

“Let’s talk about sex, Baby”

No. Let’s not. Unless we’re talking about my prolapse drama or my saggy tits or the lack of time I now have to tend to this uncontrollably hairy bush, I don’t want to discuss my sexy bits and what they used to be for. The only ‘baby’ now is the actual baby. Whose screams you seem to be able to sleep through. I’ll just refer to you as ‘dickhead’ from now on so there’s no confusion. “Let’s talk about sex dickhead” doesn’t quite have the same ring about it…

“Let’s talk about you and me”

To put it bluntly, there is no ‘you and me’ anymore. It’s the three/four/five/etc of us. Horny yet? No, me neither. All I can hear is my baby/babies/too many bloody babies and they want every bit of me. All I can see is the shit and the mess. All I can talk about is how much I hate the shit and the mess. After a bottle of wine I can also talk about me but, I really don’t want to talk about you. Sorry. (Not sorry.)

“Let’s talk about all the good things”

Nope, can’t think of any. Oh, hang on, my breastfeeding pillow provides an excellent protective barrier between us in bed (even though I stopped breastfeeding almost two years ago). Cross the border at your peril. So, by just not doing it – like, at all – there’s no need to ever talk about contraception. Definitely a ‘good thing’.

“And the bad things”

Don’t get me started, I could go on for sexless days. Too tired, too smelly, too irritable, too claustrophobic, yup too.fucking.tired to even contemplate that thing pressing against my oh-so-achey back: the shoe battles, piggy-backs, washing, picking up everything from the floor, rocking kids to sleep whilst cooking dinner… Please remove unwanted item – from the baggy area – immediately.

“That may be”

I’m not really a ‘maybe’ person. Yes, No or Maybe? Safe to always assume NO. Occasionally ‘we’ll see’ (sexy Mum speak)… I can also be persuaded if it’s Saturday night and I’ve been plied with a good Pinot.

“Let’s talk about sex”

I don’t want you or your sex organs anywhere near me.

“Let’s talk about sex”

You’re starting to make me feel physically sick now.

“Let’s talk about sex”

Ok, I think you should just sleep in the spare room tonight.

“Let’s talk about sex”

Look, I’m totally happy for you to just go and wank in the bathroom. No offence will be taken. In fact, I’d be freakin’ delighted.

Please see alternative lyrics below. (Ignore if your baby/babies/pets sleep through the night, you never get hormonal and/or your husband is Tom Hardy.) Altogether now:

“Let’s row about lack of sleep

Just pick up your socks maybe?

Let’s analyse all my mood swings

Empty the bins

Don’t touch me

Let’s row about sleep

Let’s shout about sleep

Let’s dream about sleep

I’m going to sleep.”

(And don’t you dare say I’m nagging you about lack of sleep.)

Stephanie Moore is on Twitter @MothersPlay and email stephaniemoore1@hotmail.co.uk

Olivia Horne is on Facebook/Instagram @findingmamashappyplace, YouTube ‘Olivia Horne’ and www.oliviahorne.com

And check out their event at: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/broken-fanny-x-mamas-happy-place-for-pandas-foundation-uk-tickets-34619427640

Olivia Horne

Happiness Coach, Meditation Mentor and Relax Kids Coach, and West London mama of two. Let's bring more calm to the chaos.

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