LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

Monika Dedus - 9 Jan 14

Monika Dedus is a psychosexual and couple therapist who knows firsthand that sex can be put on the backburner after having kids…

So, what happens when baby arrives?

As a mother of a 2 ½ year old girl, I know all too well what happens to a woman’s sexuality after having a baby. In the immediate aftermath, it can disappear.

One thing is for sure; nothing and nobody can fully prepare you for the arrival of the baby and all the associated changes that occur in your life. Regardless of how your baby was delivered (Naturally or C-Section) the following few months are very little about you and your relationship, but all about the baby. Not to mention the tiredness (and that general ickiness that comes from lack of sleep) or the fact that you have no free time to spend making yourself feel great (or even choose – or wash – matching underwear).

So, the question is – what happens to you as a woman after giving birth and during the first few months of your baby’s life? A lot of women I speak to just simply say that they no longer see themselves as sexual beings, and their erotic selves goes into hibernation. The comments “too tired”, “feeling unattractive” and “not having time for all that stuff” come up a lot.

And is it any wonder? Significant changes start to happen even before the baby arrives. After getting pregnant, women go through so many changes – hormonal, physical and emotional – some of which we’re hardly aware of. Inevitably relationships, including sexual relationships, come under pressure and this can lead to a really challenging period of time for many couples.

Of course, ‘not having sex’ is not the end of the world, even if it can feel like you’ll never get on the proverbial horse – you will, as long as you don’t let your intimacy disappear completely. It’s good to make inroads to connecting with your partner on a daily basis, even if you don’t want to go the whole hog.

After a stressful or tiring day it’s tempting to catch up on your emails, browse on your iPad, or get hooked to Facebook on your phone – but try to limit how much time you ‘connect’ online so that you can connect in the flesh with your partner instead.

Consider simple acts like:
• sitting next to each other in the evening
• listening to some music together
• reading books together whilst being tactile
• having a bath or shower together
• touch and kiss each other as a sign of affection

These are very simple acts and require very little time or energy, but they’ll help a relationship enormously and offset the trials and tribulations following the arrival of the baby – especially if you as a woman are feeling tired and exhausted, while your partner is feeling a little neglected. Communicating how they you feel, and what you need from each other will help you both in the long run!

Of course, baby will not always remain a baby. Life will get back to some level of normality and there will be more time to spend together and to spend making yourself feel great so that you can get back on the bandwagon and reclaim your sexuality.

Monika is an accredited psychosexual and couple therapist specialising in sexual difficulties, relationship issues and sexuality. She is COSRT accredited, UKCP reg. psychotherapist.

Check out her site here: www.sexual-healing.co.uk

Monika Dedus

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