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Life’s rich and twisted tapestry

1
You had your mothers sense of direction plus her determination to keep going regardless. You were just in the wrong place.

We savoured 3 weeks knowing you were here. 2nd round of IVF: excited, ecstatic, nervous.. knowing we had to remain realistic. It doesn’t prepare you though – for the torture of having you pulled from under our feet. This isn’t about me, but I’ve held your mummy’s hand, watched her fragility and strength mould to create the perfect setting for you to flourish. I watched her pour her heart and soul into doing everything she

SelfishMother.com
2
could to grow you and get it ’right’ this time. All alone. There is no ’getting it right’, it just happens when it happens and that comes with an abundance of luck, something she’s long overdue.

The day you made it clear you weren’t to stay is a bitter twist in this cruel fate. Bent double in pain at school, another teacher called 111 which resulted in immediate ambulance, due to the risk of ectopic pregnancy. I arrived in A&E 3 hours later to find her wincing in a bed (managing the odd joke), curtains open taking in the chaotic scene

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3
around her – synonymous, I imagine with A&E departments everywhere. Reactive and buzzing by its very nature. She was still awaiting the ’immediate’ visit of an obs and gynae doctor recommended at her arrival assessment. Despite numerous requests for information, nothing was forthcoming. We sat and watched as emergencies flitted around us. 6 hours later, a new ward, with no explanation for the move, a doctor came. Not to confirm pregnancy nor to discuss anything other than a clear opinion that there was no ectopic pregnancy. A scan in the morning.
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4
We assumed she was still pregnant, that you were hanging on in there, perhaps something benign had caused that pain.

Morning, another ward move, no explanation of what might be going on. 10 hours waiting alone, querying the validity of being in hospital at all. Midday a porter moved her to a corridor outside radiology where she relayed her timeline since arrival/confusion to someone who seemed to have the nouse to do something. Within 30 minutes – there you were on ultrasound; clinging close to her right ovary, flooded by swathes of blood as her

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5
fallopian tube waved its ruptured tendrils. 4 hours later you and the tube were removed. My sister left numb, exhausted and heartbroken.

So tiny I suppose you weren’t ‘viable’ but you were viable to us, 7 weeks into this ‘world’ and tantalisingly close to making her life journey so different. That shambolic 30 hours in hospital just made your demise more painful to swallow, we’ll never know if that fallopian tube was salvageable, the fear alone in that hospital for hours on end were unavoidable and the threat to a her life of ectopic

SelfishMother.com
6
pregnancy. We appreciate that the NHS is an insitution, people are working hard to help others but they are being pushed to their limits. It is sad to see.

My anger is the injustice. This was supposed to be her time, no one deserves it more nor has more love and energy to give. Trying to find someone to blame for this heartbreaking outcome, is normal but there is …. no one. It is plain and simple cruel, unfair and shit. My heart feels crushed when I consider the pain she will be harbouring. I want to take all of it away. I feel enormous guilt that

SelfishMother.com
7
I have 3 healthy children. I also grieve the niece or nephew I never got to meet. It all sounds incredibly dramatic but it hit hard how horrid life can be.

We’ll talk about you, I’ll cuddle my sister. We’ll mark your tiny, brief existence. We will work on restoring her confidence and faith in herself and in this world. Life gives her a merciless and unjust battering too often, but there are things to take away from this all. One day we will find out what those are. In the meantime; it is one foot in front of the other as I hold her hand in this

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8
next part of life’s rich tapestry.

.

SelfishMother.com
Rosie Willcock

By

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- 11 Oct 19

You had your mothers sense of direction plus her determination to keep going regardless. You were just in the wrong place.
We savoured 3 weeks knowing you were here. 2nd round of IVF: excited, ecstatic, nervous.. knowing we had to remain realistic. It doesn’t prepare you though – for the torture of having you pulled from under our feet. This isn’t about me, but I’ve held your mummy’s hand, watched her fragility and strength mould to create the perfect setting for you to flourish. I watched her pour her heart and soul into doing everything she could to grow you and get it ‘right’ this time. All alone. There is no ‘getting it right’, it just happens when it happens and that comes with an abundance of luck, something she’s long overdue.
The day you made it clear you weren’t to stay is a bitter twist in this cruel fate. Bent double in pain at school, another teacher called 111 which resulted in immediate ambulance, due to the risk of ectopic pregnancy. I arrived in A&E 3 hours later to find her wincing in a bed (managing the odd joke), curtains open taking in the chaotic scene around her – synonymous, I imagine with A&E departments everywhere. Reactive and buzzing by its very nature. She was still awaiting the ‘immediate’ visit of an obs and gynae doctor recommended at her arrival assessment. Despite numerous requests for information, nothing was forthcoming. We sat and watched as emergencies flitted around us. 6 hours later, a new ward, with no explanation for the move, a doctor came. Not to confirm pregnancy nor to discuss anything other than a clear opinion that there was no ectopic pregnancy. A scan in the morning. We assumed she was still pregnant, that you were hanging on in there, perhaps something benign had caused that pain.
Morning, another ward move, no explanation of what might be going on. 10 hours waiting alone, querying the validity of being in hospital at all. Midday a porter moved her to a corridor outside radiology where she relayed her timeline since arrival/confusion to someone who seemed to have the nouse to do something. Within 30 minutes – there you were on ultrasound; clinging close to her right ovary, flooded by swathes of blood as her fallopian tube waved its ruptured tendrils. 4 hours later you and the tube were removed. My sister left numb, exhausted and heartbroken.
So tiny I suppose you weren’t ‘viable’ but you were viable to us, 7 weeks into this ‘world’ and tantalisingly close to making her life journey so different. That shambolic 30 hours in hospital just made your demise more painful to swallow, we’ll never know if that fallopian tube was salvageable, the fear alone in that hospital for hours on end were unavoidable and the threat to a her life of ectopic pregnancy. We appreciate that the NHS is an insitution, people are working hard to help others but they are being pushed to their limits. It is sad to see.
My anger is the injustice. This was supposed to be her time, no one deserves it more nor has more love and energy to give. Trying to find someone to blame for this heartbreaking outcome, is normal but there is …. no one. It is plain and simple cruel, unfair and shit. My heart feels crushed when I consider the pain she will be harbouring. I want to take all of it away. I feel enormous guilt that I have 3 healthy children. I also grieve the niece or nephew I never got to meet. It all sounds incredibly dramatic but it hit hard how horrid life can be.
We’ll talk about you, I’ll cuddle my sister. We’ll mark your tiny, brief existence. We will work on restoring her confidence and faith in herself and in this world. Life gives her a merciless and unjust battering too often, but there are things to take away from this all. One day we will find out what those are. In the meantime; it is one foot in front of the other as I hold her hand in this next part of life’s rich tapestry.
.

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Rosie Willcock

Mummy of 3 boys - Henry (5.5), Freddie (3.75) and Paddy (2). Rosie lives in Oxfordshire and having just left a career in Commercial Property and The Big Smoke is getting to grips with full time chaos. Follow her at: http://potty-potty-mouth.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1

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