Lorenso Britonie (AKA Lying B**tard
1
Remember ladies back in the day pre-kids, pre-responsibilities, pre-life experience, the script in a club went something like this? What we’d do now to have known this back then 🙂
”Hey Kate Wilson, pleased to meet you. I’m Lorenso Britonie.”
“Lorenso that’s unusual,” (Yeah Stephen wouldn’t cut it.)
“Yes, my parents always liked to be different.” (By spelling Stephen with a ph.)
“So Lorenso what brings you to Liverpool?” (The John Moors University shagfest that is the Halls of Residence.)
“I’m just here for a few
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days because of work.” (Well until my bank stops my overdraft facility actually.)
“ Work what kind of work?” (As little as possible really because I’m usually trying to smash blondes like you – which really is a rewarding career in itself.)
“I’m a football agent so I travel around quite a lot.” (the nearest I’ve been to being an agent is going into First Choice to book Ed’s boys on tour trip to Amsterdam, circa 2013.)
“Really? I’m not in to football to be honest and have never met a football agent.” (Brilliant – even
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easier to fill her with crap).
“Well Kate you have now. Can I buy you a drink?” ( He shoots and will undoubtably score.)
So Kate wakes up next to a “football agent,” who’s worked with Frank Lampard and Becks and Stephen gets to tell his mates that Lorenso pulled again.
And that’s what a lot of us were blind to in our teens and twenties.
When your current squeeze tells you you’re going to be the next Mrs Jones, before you’ve actually done the deed, you believe it because you still believe in hearts, flowers and happy endings.
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It’s only in your thirties that you realise the only ‘next,’ you ever were going to be was a notch on his bedpost.
The same goes for the infamous one liner: “ I loved you the moment I saw you. You really were the first girl I ever loved.”
Your reaction back in the day would have been: ”Oh my God, really why didn’t you say? I never knew – things could have been so different.” – cue doe eyed looks and a bashful expression. Fast-forward ten years and your response is likely to be: “Jog on sunshine I’ve heard it a million times
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before.” Cue raised eyebrows and a get away from me frown before I knee you in the short and curlies.
You see men inherently are programmed differently. Despite evolution they are still cavemen, predators who need to go in for the kill. They are not programmed to seek love and romance they are programmed to procreate, to hunt – for fresh meat – to shag. Women think oh he’s lovely- he could be the one – the men think: vagina, she’s got one and blow me I’m gonna use it- so that during the football changing rooms on a Sunday morning the
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following conversations can take place:
“ I pulled that bird last night.”
“ No way did ya? I tried ‘it’ last week but she blew me out – said she wasn’t over her ex.”
“Well she was definitely over him last night when she was bending over for me.”
“You jammy bastard – she’s fit.” And so on and so forth.
Whereas after the walk of shame one best friend says to another.
“So did ya?”
“Yeah,”
“And?”
“And it was great – there was loads of chemistry but I’m stressing
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now.”
“Why?
“Whether he’ll call me – he said he would but now I’m worried I put out too soon. I should have waited.”
And back to the football changing room
“So you gonna see her again?”
“Nah, no way – it was too easy. One for Lorenso not Stephen.”
And while Kate waits for Lorenso to call, Lorenso, the football agent is tackling his next blonde.
So you have been warned, despite it being the 21st century lessons do need to be learnt, unless of course you just want sex yourself then go for it and fill your boots but
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if you don’t, putting out on a first date, even these days, can be a risk – it’s more likely to be an own goal and mean you end up being the talk of the football dressing room rather than netting a long term relationship.
If you’d like to read more I’d love you to visit my blog at www.asinglemumsjournal.co.uk
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Tamsin Parker - 3 Jan 16
Remember ladies back in the day pre-kids, pre-responsibilities, pre-life experience, the script in a club went something like this? What we’d do now to have known this back then 🙂
“Hey Kate Wilson, pleased to meet you. I’m Lorenso Britonie.”
“Lorenso that’s unusual,” (Yeah Stephen wouldn’t cut it.)
“Yes, my parents always liked to be different.” (By spelling Stephen with a ph.)
“So Lorenso what brings you to Liverpool?” (The John Moors University shagfest that is the Halls of Residence.)
“I’m just here for a few days because of work.” (Well until my bank stops my overdraft facility actually.)
“ Work what kind of work?” (As little as possible really because I’m usually trying to smash blondes like you – which really is a rewarding career in itself.)
“I’m a football agent so I travel around quite a lot.” (the nearest I’ve been to being an agent is going into First Choice to book Ed’s boys on tour trip to Amsterdam, circa 2013.)
“Really? I’m not in to football to be honest and have never met a football agent.” (Brilliant – even easier to fill her with crap).
“Well Kate you have now. Can I buy you a drink?” ( He shoots and will undoubtably score.)
So Kate wakes up next to a “football agent,” who’s worked with Frank Lampard and Becks and Stephen gets to tell his mates that Lorenso pulled again.
And that’s what a lot of us were blind to in our teens and twenties.
When your current squeeze tells you you’re going to be the next Mrs Jones, before you’ve actually done the deed, you believe it because you still believe in hearts, flowers and happy endings. It’s only in your thirties that you realise the only ‘next,’ you ever were going to be was a notch on his bedpost.
The same goes for the infamous one liner: “ I loved you the moment I saw you. You really were the first girl I ever loved.”
Your reaction back in the day would have been: “Oh my God, really why didn’t you say? I never knew – things could have been so different.” – cue doe eyed looks and a bashful expression. Fast-forward ten years and your response is likely to be: “Jog on sunshine I’ve heard it a million times before.” Cue raised eyebrows and a get away from me frown before I knee you in the short and curlies.
You see men inherently are programmed differently. Despite evolution they are still cavemen, predators who need to go in for the kill. They are not programmed to seek love and romance they are programmed to procreate, to hunt – for fresh meat – to shag. Women think oh he’s lovely- he could be the one – the men think: vagina, she’s got one and blow me I’m gonna use it- so that during the football changing rooms on a Sunday morning the following conversations can take place:
“ I pulled that bird last night.”
“ No way did ya? I tried ‘it’ last week but she blew me out – said she wasn’t over her ex.”
“Well she was definitely over him last night when she was bending over for me.”
“You jammy bastard – she’s fit.” And so on and so forth.
Whereas after the walk of shame one best friend says to another.
“So did ya?”
“Yeah,”
“And?”
“And it was great – there was loads of chemistry but I’m stressing now.”
“Why?
“Whether he’ll call me – he said he would but now I’m worried I put out too soon. I should have waited.”
And back to the football changing room
“So you gonna see her again?”
“Nah, no way – it was too easy. One for Lorenso not Stephen.”
And while Kate waits for Lorenso to call, Lorenso, the football agent is tackling his next blonde.
So you have been warned, despite it being the 21st century lessons do need to be learnt, unless of course you just want sex yourself then go for it and fill your boots but if you don’t, putting out on a first date, even these days, can be a risk – it’s more likely to be an own goal and mean you end up being the talk of the football dressing room rather than netting a long term relationship.
If you’d like to read more I’d love you to visit my blog at www.asinglemumsjournal.co.uk
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Tamsin is a 40-year-old bleached teethed, bleached hair, tattooed eye-browed single Mum of one who still wishes she was 25. A journalist and PR specialist Tamsin loves family, friends, football and fashion in that order. Her raison d'etre is nine-year-old Maisie Mae.
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