View as: GRID
LIST 
Losing And Becoming A Parent
1
Yesterday David Bowies’ Son Duncan announced that he is to become a father just a month after losing his own.
It struck a chord for me in particular having lost my Dad just two weeks before my daughter was born. His death was sudden, unexpected and of course the worst timing.
Looking back, much of it is just a hot, summery blur but some crystal-clear vignettes of events really stick in my mind. My body was already gearing up for childbirth, things twinging, stretching, dropping, but Mother Nature hit the pause button the moment my husband sat me down
It struck a chord for me in particular having lost my Dad just two weeks before my daughter was born. His death was sudden, unexpected and of course the worst timing.
Looking back, much of it is just a hot, summery blur but some crystal-clear vignettes of events really stick in my mind. My body was already gearing up for childbirth, things twinging, stretching, dropping, but Mother Nature hit the pause button the moment my husband sat me down
SelfishMother.com
2
and told me my Dad was ‘gone’.
When I caught my breath I hit a kind of acceptance very quickly, maybe too quickly. But I told myself that there was nothing I could do for him now. I couldn’t save him and felt the only thing that I could do was focus on my baby. I was about to become a mum for the first time and no amount of overwhelming sadness or anger at the timing was going to change that. If I fell to pieces now it might harm the baby and if I broke-down it might mean I wouldn’t be strong enough to cope with childbirth.
The last time I
When I caught my breath I hit a kind of acceptance very quickly, maybe too quickly. But I told myself that there was nothing I could do for him now. I couldn’t save him and felt the only thing that I could do was focus on my baby. I was about to become a mum for the first time and no amount of overwhelming sadness or anger at the timing was going to change that. If I fell to pieces now it might harm the baby and if I broke-down it might mean I wouldn’t be strong enough to cope with childbirth.
The last time I
SelfishMother.com
3
saw my Dad he dropped in unexpectedly with some laundry that my mum had done for me as our washing machine had broken down. I’d been completely preoccupied with getting the house ready and fretting over not being able to wash the baby’s clothes to take with us to the hospital. I’ll never forgot the way he looked standing in our new kitchen. Only 56, he looked so well, his typically cheeky self, stirring up a debate with a hot and bothered pregnant lady and then trying to rope me into another hair brained scheme. All the things I rolled my eyes at
SelfishMother.com
4
but adored him for.
The day after he died my husband was speaking to the company that were delivering our new washing machine. They were being incredibly difficult despite the error being on their part. I took the phone from him and that calm resolve that had been propping me up and helping take care of my family quickly left me. Every bit of rage and grief that had pooled up over the last 24 hours began to purge from my mouth in a barrage of abuse which included every single swear word I know. And a few I didn’t know I knew. I hit that woman with
The day after he died my husband was speaking to the company that were delivering our new washing machine. They were being incredibly difficult despite the error being on their part. I took the phone from him and that calm resolve that had been propping me up and helping take care of my family quickly left me. Every bit of rage and grief that had pooled up over the last 24 hours began to purge from my mouth in a barrage of abuse which included every single swear word I know. And a few I didn’t know I knew. I hit that woman with
SelfishMother.com
5
every hormone I had. Because along with the fear of impending motherhood that overwhelmed me, along with an anxious need to hold my baby in my arms after a long nine months, the crippling sadness that my hero would not get to see his first grandchild, there was this constant noise of questions like; ‘What if they don’t discharge me from the hospital in time for the funeral?’ ‘Do I take the baby to the funeral?’ ‘How will I feed the baby at the funeral?’ and ‘How THE FUCK DO I DO ALL OF THIS WITHOUT A FUCKING WASHING MACHINE?!?’
The
The
SelfishMother.com
6
next two weeks we were practical. We talked, we laughed, we cried. I wrote the eulogy as a way of being there and saying goodbye if I was still in hospital. I struck up an agreement with my Dad where he agreed he wouldn’t mind if I couldn’t make it to the funeral and I agreed not to be mad at him for leaving us when he did. Besides I told him … when it comes to bad timing … you fucking started it.
As it turned out I had a natural (albeit tough) labour about which meant I was able to walk out (of sorts) the next day and then in to the crematorium
As it turned out I had a natural (albeit tough) labour about which meant I was able to walk out (of sorts) the next day and then in to the crematorium
SelfishMother.com
7
the day after that. It was the day my milk came in and I managed to time the breastfeeds, which was all still so new, so that she slept throughout what would be her first trip out. I received flowers where I had to check what they were for – one side of the room was for ‘Deepest Sympathy’, the other for ‘Congratulations’. It was a weird and wonderful time that smelt strongly of lilies.
There were times when having to cope with all of this at once was a positive thing. I found a strength in having to get on with life. There was no time to dwell
There were times when having to cope with all of this at once was a positive thing. I found a strength in having to get on with life. There was no time to dwell
SelfishMother.com
8
as a new parent, I was too busy checking my baby was still breathing every two minutes and googling all the stuff I thought I might be doing wrong. There were times when my father’s death made me really stop to see the blessing of life. In some ways I felt closer to him, bursting with joy holding my daughter in my arms and wondering if he felt that way about me.
Then there were times when having to deal with everything at once meant that I simply did not give myself the time to grieve. Something which has caught up with me later on. Being handed the
Then there were times when having to deal with everything at once meant that I simply did not give myself the time to grieve. Something which has caught up with me later on. Being handed the
SelfishMother.com
9
most precious thing to take care of, just as you have lost a huge part of yourself and the inevitable anxiety that begins to creep in.
I look back and think how glad I am that our washing machine broke. That I got to have that one last chat with my Dad, just as he always was, at his best and how I’ll remember him forever.
And I hope somewhere that my expletive ridden phone call was indeed ‘held on for training and quality purposes’ because my word … I bet it’s a corker.
I look back and think how glad I am that our washing machine broke. That I got to have that one last chat with my Dad, just as he always was, at his best and how I’ll remember him forever.
And I hope somewhere that my expletive ridden phone call was indeed ‘held on for training and quality purposes’ because my word … I bet it’s a corker.
SelfishMother.com
