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Love after separation.

1
Since the end of my marriage, I’ve been offered a lot of well intentioned advice and platitudes.
“This time will pass.” Obviously. All time passes.
“You were such a great couple.” Because all great couples separate…? hmmm…
“I’m not sure that (something from my marriage) was the case.” Shoot. I totally forgot you were married to us, too!
“Everyone does that.” And yet, “everyone” stays married. (I think not!)
But the one I hear the most (and gives me all the twitches) is: “Don’t worry. You’ll meet another man and
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find love again.”
Firstly, saying “don’t worry” is the WORST advice ever EVER for any worrier. Or anyone. It is as effective in stopping worries as saying “be careful” to someone who is halfway through falling off the edge of a cliff. “Don’t worry” = more worries coming your way, and LOTS of them.
Secondly, I’m not worried… Actually, that’s not true. I’m worried about LOADS of things: money, keeping a roof over my head, work, childcare, the impact of separation on my babies, my health, being a burden to my friends, my blobby
SelfishMother.com
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tummy and addiction to chocolate with EVERY cup of tea, am I a good enough mum?, when will I feel/think “normal” again…I have LOADS of worries. BIG worries. HUGE! Worries about people and situations that are very real and very present in my life. Meeting and finding love with a man, who currently doesn’t exist or, at least, doesn’t exist in my life, does not feature in my worry list. AT. ALL. I like to keep it real. Romeo ain’t real to me, right now.
And that’s because, thirdly, meeting and finding love with a man is not the solution to
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my worries. Or, anything else in my life. A man will never “fix” me, or “complete” me or my life, and he certainly wont bring me fewer worries and greater happiness. I don’t need a man to validate my existence/looks/personality/life. I can do that myself. And I will. I do. And, when in doubt, I have a wee team of supporters, age 4 and up, routing for me. I fix my worries. I complete me. I am in charge of my life. I validate my choices. I make me happy (and so do my kids and my friends). There’s no spot for a man in my cheer leading team. Not
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even on the bench.
And, finally, right now I’m happy. I need no man. And the only love I need is self love. I do not have a man in my life and I feel the most content and complete I have in years. I’m in no hurry to give that up. I am by no means “whole again”, in the words of Atomic Kitten, but any gaps will not be filled by a man. Girl Gang, all the way!! (Why waste precious babysitting hours and money on someone I hardly know on a night that may be more yawn than brawn, when I can guarantee a great time with my gals!?! No brainer, to
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me!)
To be perfectly honest, it baffles me, that in this day and age, “getting a man” is considered a serious life goal of anyone, never mind a busy single mum, getting her life and shit together again and who already has a big smile on her face. Would you suggest someone who’d just been electrocuted, get comfy and sit back down again? Thought not…
(And, yes. I did just compare dating to the death penalty…)i
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Michelle Appleby

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- 27 Jul 19

Since the end of my marriage, I’ve been offered a lot of well intentioned advice and platitudes.

“This time will pass.” Obviously. All time passes.

“You were such a great couple.” Because all great couples separate…? hmmm…

“I’m not sure that (something from my marriage) was the case.” Shoot. I totally forgot you were married to us, too!

“Everyone does that.” And yet, “everyone” stays married. (I think not!)

But the one I hear the most (and gives me all the twitches) is: “Don’t worry. You’ll meet another man and find love again.”

Firstly, saying “don’t worry” is the WORST advice ever EVER for any worrier. Or anyone. It is as effective in stopping worries as saying “be careful” to someone who is halfway through falling off the edge of a cliff. “Don’t worry” = more worries coming your way, and LOTS of them.

Secondly, I’m not worried… Actually, that’s not true. I’m worried about LOADS of things: money, keeping a roof over my head, work, childcare, the impact of separation on my babies, my health, being a burden to my friends, my blobby tummy and addiction to chocolate with EVERY cup of tea, am I a good enough mum?, when will I feel/think “normal” again…I have LOADS of worries. BIG worries. HUGE! Worries about people and situations that are very real and very present in my life. Meeting and finding love with a man, who currently doesn’t exist or, at least, doesn’t exist in my life, does not feature in my worry list. AT. ALL. I like to keep it real. Romeo ain’t real to me, right now.

And that’s because, thirdly, meeting and finding love with a man is not the solution to my worries. Or, anything else in my life. A man will never “fix” me, or “complete” me or my life, and he certainly wont bring me fewer worries and greater happiness. I don’t need a man to validate my existence/looks/personality/life. I can do that myself. And I will. I do. And, when in doubt, I have a wee team of supporters, age 4 and up, routing for me. I fix my worries. I complete me. I am in charge of my life. I validate my choices. I make me happy (and so do my kids and my friends). There’s no spot for a man in my cheer leading team. Not even on the bench.

And, finally, right now I’m happy. I need no man. And the only love I need is self love. I do not have a man in my life and I feel the most content and complete I have in years. I’m in no hurry to give that up. I am by no means “whole again”, in the words of Atomic Kitten, but any gaps will not be filled by a man. Girl Gang, all the way!! (Why waste precious babysitting hours and money on someone I hardly know on a night that may be more yawn than brawn, when I can guarantee a great time with my gals!?! No brainer, to me!)

To be perfectly honest, it baffles me, that in this day and age, “getting a man” is considered a serious life goal of anyone, never mind a busy single mum, getting her life and shit together again and who already has a big smile on her face. Would you suggest someone who’d just been electrocuted, get comfy and sit back down again? Thought not…

(And, yes. I did just compare dating to the death penalty…)i

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Michelle Appleby

I’m a mum, a wife, a teacher and, above all else, a human. A human who has struggled to feel “good enough” most of her life but is slowly getting it right for herself, writing about life’s lessons along the way. (I’m defjnitely NOT a blogger type, whatever they are: I just like writing therapeutically.) **all views are MY OWN and not affiliated with any organisation or professional body**

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