Lucky – with a cherry on top?

Kiki Green - 10 Jun 16

Becoming a mum did not come easy, as I’m sure it doesn’t for many.

Donor eggs or bust. Three tries at IVF and immune tests and 20 bottles of blood later, thanks to the unbelievable kindness of a stranger, I got there.

My daughter is the light in both mine and my husbands lives. Our longed for sunshine.

Both of us would like her to have a genetically related sibling.

So we’re trying.

By trying, I mean after five cycles of donor IVF we have four frozen embryos, and we’re going to see if any decide to make me their home as they grow, once a man between my legs with a pipette has popped them inside, like a croupier spinning a roulette wheel.

It’s far from the romantic ideal and while I always liked a flutter in a casino, this kind of gambling has never felt fun.

My husband grew up with two siblings. I’m an only child. I always wanted my future children to be just that: plural… then I discovered I’d had an early menopause.

After that earth shattering blow I didn’t feel lucky at all. But now I do. We’re a family of three.

Third time lucky – we got pregnant.

If we’re lucky, we’ll get there again.

But of course, an IVF pregnancy is the longest nine months ever – if you get there.

You know from before the point of fertilisation – you’ve been priming your body with drugs for weeks – you take daily calls from number of eggs collected to how many have fertilised, then cleaved to see if you’re still in the game (of roulette) and you have early scans at six and eight weeks.

Some friends got pregnant on their first IVF cycle recently – just days after I found out our last cycle hadn’t worked.

I was though, really pleased for them – they’re childless and they wouldn’t need to ride the IVF roller coaster again, I know all too well what a torturous ride it can be.

They’d been lucky.

Two weeks into enjoying their good fortune, they went to see if just one or two of the embryos they’d had put back had stuck with their six week scan.

They were excited.

It wasn’t good news – it looked like she’d miscarried.

We had chatted when she tested positive, about how our children could play together. I was genuinely gutted for her but could only begin to imagine her pain. My heart goes out to her and anyone else struggling with fertility.

My fifth cycle not working stung a little – but it didn’t hurt like failed cycles before my daughter had. I dusted myself off in rapid time and got on with life enjoying my daughter knowing we still have a chance at giving her a sibling.

For our friends who’d got lucky first time – they’d dared to believe. The day they heard the word miscarriage they could have been finding out they were pregnant with twins at the first time of asking.

Lucky one minute, the most galling and intensely painful misfortune the next.

So, oh boy, I KNOW we’re lucky.

Now, the reason I’d like our daughter to have a sibling with the very same conception story – is that it might make things easier for her/them as she/they grow(s) up to have someone in the same position.

However, ‘you know that saying, Beggars can’t be choosers? Well sometimes, this weighs heavily on my mind. Especially when I torture myself by reading the comments on IVF articles on the Daily Mail website.

They’d have me believe that evolution had decreed that I shouldn’t be a mother so I didn’t deserve to be one, I was a failure and that if I had the cheek to not be happy with my lot and I still wanted to be a mother then I should most certainly have adopted before turning to freakish and selfish science.

Well another saying springs to mind… Until you’ve walked in my shoes.

Those same anonymous anti IVF commenters would think me most greedy – in fact gluttonous – for trying for a sibling in my position.

But they’re over simplifying and blissfully ignorant to the grief and anguish of my and any infertility.

I know achieving a sibling might not happen – it might be pushing my luck – but I need to know I’ve tried.

So here we are – I’m both lucky and in limbo – waiting to find out whether we’ll get our cherry on top – but greedy or not, ice cream still tastes amazing with, or without the cherry.

Kiki Green

36 - mum of one post premature menopause thanks to a lovely donor! Currently a full time mummy to my daughter - would love a sibling for her, formerly in TV, radio and comms. Future??? Loves chocolate a g&t and to laugh!

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