Michelle Appleby - 28 Sep 18
Picture the scene: Its Saturday morning and the wife-and-mother gets up early with the kids. She makes the breakfasts, cleans the kitchen, gets the kids dressed, preps for the day, plays with the kids, tidies the toys, puts on a wash or two, makes the lunch, starts the dinner… all while the husband-and-father sleeps in (maybe it’s his well deserved turn), wakes feeling a little under the weather and sorry for himself, makes his own breakfast and, having successfully negotiated a pile of kids toys and a bundle of clean washing, leaving both perfectly in tact, slumps on the sofa in front of the TV to watch the footy for the rest of the morning. The wife-and-mother asks him to hoover while she nips out for some “me time”, somewhere (anywhere!) between the frozen aisle and seasonal tat pile of their local Aldi. The husband-and-father is aghast and replies “What have you done for me?” At this point she stiffens, her brain internally combusts, steam pours out of her ears and she swiftly leaves to indulge in her “retail therapy”…
Sound familiar? I may no longer be married but it’s a scene I recall well and one I relive through my girl friends’ experiences. I’m sure we aren’t alone. So many husbands-and-fathers are asking wives-and-mothers exactly that: what have you done for ME?
Well, darling husbands-and-fathers… since you asked, the short answer is: A LOT! And, because you’ll need actual, real life, concrete examples, here’s the longer version: In this particular instance, the wife-and-mother gave the husband-and-father the gift of sleep (no greater gift to parents!), a peaceful lie in and a morning free of parental responsibilities, time to effectively relive the single man-life he craves and mourns in equal measure. In effect, she parented for them both. And she cooked… and she cleaned too. As she does most days. Because, almost daily, the wife-and-mother takes on more than her share of parenting and home responsibilities. Even when the husband-and-father is required to take his parenting turn, the wife-and-mother has already organised his time and social commitments for him. He barely needs to think for himself, she’s done such a good job. Familial responsibility has become so all consuming that the wife-and-mother has sacrificed her personal life and career (and clearly her Saturday mornings, as well). Thus enabling the husband-and-father to focus on HIS priorities (mostly himself… and earning money).
The wife-and-mother desperately wants to scream all this at him in her highest pitch but she knows there’s no point. Caught up in a moment of “hoover-gate”, the husband-and-father can’t (or won’t) see any of her rationale. And probably never will. He only sees the unfairness of being asked to adult hoover.
All this may sound very one sided and a little resentful (let’s face it, discussions like this usually are!) but there’s a serious issue here. We may be decades away from the 50s and Stepford style marriages; women may have fought hard for gender equality and financial independence and achieved these for the most part; traditional gender roles may have become more fluid and the importance of co-parenting/the involvement of dads may have been widely acknowledged and promoted… but it would seem no one told the men what they were supposed to be doing. (Poor, poor, men. They were probably waiting for their mothers or wives to think about it for them and organise it all…) As a result, we have a generation of men who are trapped between old and new, and are literally men malfunctioning. They are MANfunctioning.
MANfunction Definition: When a male is physically functioning (breathing, walking, eyes open, sexually active, etc) but his useful functioning is limited to what HE deems interesting/relevant/desirable, rationalised by the firm belief that anything else “is not my job”. The male’s “jobs” change frequently, and at whim. Often confused with selfishness, laziness, lack of responsibility, childishness, and having a mother who spoon fed him through much of his life. Side effects include passing comment on others’ ability to do aforementioned “jobs”, limited sexual activity and separation/divorce.
Some REAL LIFE examples of MANfunctionism:
Man: I’ve done your washing for you… (dramatic pause to await round of applause and gold star)
Man: I wasn’t sure if these clothes needed washed so I left them (on the floor) for you (to pick up and look at because my eyes clearly don’t work)…
Man: Why am I always the babysitter (to the children I created)? I much prefer it when other people look after my children.
Man: No one told me the washing has to be PUT in the tumble drier to dry it…
Man: What do you mean you’re ill? You look ok to me and you’re still doing all the usual things you do…
Non-driving Man: You aren’t driving in third gear in town, are you?
Man: I don’t want to clear the sink. It’s too yucky for me (with the all the leftover food I just poured into it)…
Man: When I make lasagne (once in a lifetime), I like do it like this… like my mum does…
Man: You didn’t tell me the meatballs (that you cooked before you went out and left for us to eat) needed pasta to go with them (even though this is how we eat them EVERY time…)
It’s not just about the hoovering… Or the washing… Or emptying the yucky sink… Or looking after the kids… Or even the EFFING meatballs… (all of which are absolutely, undisputedly gold medal deserving tasks… *insert eye roll*). Its about all of that and MORE. It’s about knowing that being a grown up does not end with earning money and looking after yourself. (Those are definitely important, and a good start, but they are literally the start and after 24 and three quarters/marriage/kids, they are simply not enough.) It’s about knowing that most things beyond that are not a “favour”, but a personal responsibility associated with being an actual real live adult. It’s about knowing the hoovering is YOUR job because both hoover and carpet are in YOUR home and belong to YOU. It’s about knowing that the kids are YOUR responsibility 24/7 and you are not merely a sperm donor and babysitter. It’s about making a mess and clearing it up. It’s about realising that earning the pennies does not make you judge, jury and executioner on spending or any other domestic matter. And it’s about knowing that the world, especially that of the wife-and-mother, does not revolve around YOU. It’s about putting on your big boy pants and being one of the grown ups. It’s about doing “jobs” for the family, for life, for the sake of it, just because they need done. And it’s most definitely not about payment in sexual favours (because, we all know that’s what you were really asking that Saturday morning…).
MANfunctioning is becoming a global epidemic and is on the verge of the more serious, MANfunctionismo. Time for a hard reset, men. Ladies, fingers (and all your other bits) crossed.
(Image based on one used for a genuine discussion of domestic roles within my ex-relationship. He was me. I was you.)
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I’m a mum, a wife, a teacher and, above all else, a human. A human who has struggled to feel “good enough” most of her life but is slowly getting it right for herself, writing about life’s lessons along the way. (I’m defjnitely NOT a blogger type, whatever they are: I just like writing therapeutically.)
**all views are MY OWN and not affiliated with any organisation or professional body**
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