Meeting Expectations

Louisa de Lange - 5 Sep 16

As some children go back to school and others start for the first time, I feel a sense of relief we have another year for our little man to enjoy life at home. Another year to chill out, catch up and generally have a good time before reality kicks in. The dreaded pieces of paper, the school reports and the targets are yet to come and for that, for now, I am thankful.

As mother to a child who misses all milestones with abandon, I can’t imagine any piece of paper we’ll get back from school will show my boy ‘meeting expectations’. He meets mine, every day, just by waking up with a big smile and telling me about the robot he is going to play with at preschool, but those set by our beloved government? I’m not so sure.

This August bank holiday we spent a lovely day in the company of my old school friends. Twenty plus years on, the biggest thing that has changed (apart from our sadly thickening waistlines and lowered tolerance to alcohol) is the ever-increasing collection of children that accompany, and inevitably take over, our gatherings. Across the seven of us, we now have ten children, of ages ranging from fifteen months to eight years (I think!)

The usual divide occurred as the men clustered round the barbecue and us ladies round the kitchen table (and the glasses of Prosecco.) As parents, our thoughts and conversation inevitably turned to our children and, as friends who have known each other for some time, honesty prevailed. And one thing struck me: the pressure and guilt we put on ourselves is immense – to be promoted and succeed at work, to be the best Mothers to our children, every day quietly chastising ourselves for the tempers lost, books not read and for the school reports we haven’t yet seen.

But who sets these standards for us? Why do we aspire for children who ‘meet expectations’? Surely we don’t want to nurture children who blend in, meekly compliant, saying ‘yes’ to every request put to them? We want to bring up children, teenagers and adults who are special – who bring something to our world, who challenge norms, think for themselves and bring their own special gifts and talents to society.

On that sunny Sunday, all our children were unique. Some quiet but wickedly clever, some boisterous and charming, some quietly colouring while others screamed their heads off on the trampoline. All of our children were perfect in their own way, but all had their challenges to overcome. None of them were across the board, absolutely-bloody-perfect, and nor would we expect them to be. They are individuals, with their own personalities and loves and passions.

At the end of the day we wish for our children to be healthy, happy and loved – above all else. If they are healthy, happy and loved, they will find their own way in this world and their own perfect, unique, future.

And that is the only expectation I will aspire for my boy to meet.

Louisa de Lange

Writer. Debut novel, The Dream Wife, published by Orion in Oct 18. I have too many bookcases, too many books I haven't read and an addiction to American TV. Find me on Twitter at @paperclipgirl and Facebook at @ldlwriter.

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