Miscarriage: when should I give up trying again?

Lynsey Burns - 24 Sep 15

This time last year I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I had only been trying for a couple of months having just stopped breastfeeding my second child and was so delighted (and stunned) that I had managed to get pregnant so quickly. It had taken 18months to fall pregnant with my second child so my expectations had been low.

I have always wanted to have three children. I love my little boys so much and a third would just complete my world. It didn’t cross my mind for a second that I wouldn’t carry my third child through to full term and I told my friends and family at about eight weeks (much earlier than I had with my previous pregnancies). I started to show immediately (I found out why at the scan) and it was such an amazing time of contentment with the incredible feeling of joy that this child would make our little family complete.

My 12 week scan was due three days before Christmas and I was so looking forward to telling my two little boys on Christmas day that they were going to get a little brother or sister.

At 11 weeks I started to bleed and feared the worst but I didn’t give up hope. I arranged to go for an early scan and by the time I was on my way to the hospital the bleeding had stopped so I was actually feeling quite excited at seeing the first image of the baby and hoped with my all my heart that all would be okay.

As I walked through the hospital I felt that I had started to bleed and was devastated. At the scan I randomly asked not to look “in case there were three or something” I have no idea why I said it but as the doctor looked at the screen she said she could see three yolk sacks. I wish I hadn’t then looked at the screen but I then saw the three sacks, two empty and one with a tiny form. I was told that what was there measured only 6 weeks so things weren’t looking hopeful. They sent me home and said things would probably happen naturally, to add to the confusion the doctor said that she wasn’t sure if she had seen a heartbeat or not.

It was awful and due to get worse. Two days later I collapsed in the most awful pain and knew it was all over. I was rushed to the hospital and was bleeding heavily. The baby had gone. I was numb, in shock and felt that there was just no escape from the emptiness and devastation that I felt.

In the past year I have gone through so many emotions, my body is a mess, periods are still all over the place. I have been back and fore to the doctor, I have had a scan as I was convinced there was something wrong but I have been told time and time again to be kind to myself and it is just my body getting over the miscarriage. Apparently the fact that there had been potentially three babies would have made my hormones even worse.  Every month is a roller-coaster when the world seems to stand still every time my period is due. Monthly, I fall apart and then the cycle of hope starts again. How long can I, or should I, keep putting myself through this?

In the past couple of months there have been many stories about miscarriage with writers and bloggers talking about their experiences. What I notice is they all appear to have gone on to have another child. Is it easier to talk about miscarriages once you have had another child? I don’t think it would take the heartache of the whole experience away but it might help make the pain more bearable. I don’t know, but I really would like to know.

Miscarriage is such an awful thing to go through and I have never really felt I have the right to grieve. It just makes me feel totally ungrateful for what I already have. I am so lucky and thankful to have my children and I am always reminded that there are those who have been through far worse than what I have experienced.

Since the beginning of this year I have been trying to conceive with no joy. I feel like I have just put myself through so much emotional torture and I fear my husband and family have suffered as a result. I feel like a terrible mother for having cried, got angry and I hold a huge amount of guilt feeling that I should just be happy with what I have. What right do I have to feel ungrateful when I have two healthy boys, a loving, caring husband and a great life.

Even with all of the pain and guilt I still feel that I am not finished with having children. Last month I turned forty. This was, in my mind, my deadline for getting pregnant again. So this month I gave up, I stopped counting my days, I have drunk, smoked, had as much coffee as I like and stopped beating my self up for doing anything that might reduce my chances of conceiving.

It should feel like a weight has been lifted but instead, I feel like I am lying to myself. Blocking out what I really want. Deep down, I am hoping that when I stop trying so hard and stressing about it that it will just happen. Isn’t that how all the stories go? ‘I got pregnant when I stopped trying’. The result of ‘giving up’ is that I have been left feeling lost, empty and back to feeling the same heartache I felt just after the miscarriage.

I have set up a business in the last year, trying to turn my sadness and negative energy into something positive. I have tried hard to focus on being with my children as much as possible, and to that extent things have worked out well.

But what I can’t work out is when do you give up trying? Sometimes I wish the menopause would arrive early so I had something to make me give up. Is that an awful thing to think? If I stop trying, will I feel that my reproductive years ended up on a massive low? That, I failed in completing my family? Will I end up bitter and with an inner sadness for the rest of my life? Will I ever love me? Will I ever love my body again after it letting me down?

And why even after a year do I feel such a huge sense of loss for something that didn’t survive past 6 weeks in the womb.

I have always believed that if I put my mind to it I can make anything happen. But this is different, for the first time in my life and for all the will in the world I cannot get pregnant again. This time I just can’t seem to MAKE it happen.

I have never written my feelings down because I worry that I am insulting those who have had experiences worse than myself. But, I need to know – when do I give up trying? Is this it, is it now, is it time to give away all of the baby clothes that are still boxed up and labelled 0-6months etc.? I need to escape what has made a generally optimistic, grateful, happy and content person, feel so powerless. I don’t know how to make this awful sadness go away or at least fade a little. I thought the answer was to move on and have another baby but I think I need to face up to the fact that it’s just not going to happen. Is it even ok to grieve when I should surely be focusing on the wonderful family who are here, healthy and will grow up so quickly that every moment is precious?

I just want me back and I honestly don’t know whether it is going to take truly giving up trying and just focusing on being happy with my lot. It’s easier said than done. I am so grateful for what I have but is it so wrong to want just one more baby?

What have other people done to deal with not being able to conceive after a miscarriage (when you already have children). Can there still be a happy ending? I need to hear from other mums who can relate to my rambling brain dump!

Lynsey Burns

Mum of two boys aged 5 & 2. Live in the Highlands of Scotland with husband, kids, two horses, two dogs, two chickens. Launched my own business this summer and generally trying to juggle far too much. Think it's time I got a little Selfish!

View profile for posts, events and more info