Missing Mum…….

Chocolate and Wine is the Solution - 22 Mar 17

Every Mother’s Day morning the same image of you comes into my head when I open my eyes and I whisper to you “Happy Mother’s Day Mum”. But you cannot hear me, I haven’t been lucky enough to say the words aloud to your lovely face for the last 26 years. The first Mother’s Day without you was literally weeks after you died, I was sat at School in my Tutor Group and a girl asked me what I was getting my Mum for Mother’s Day, she then froze with horror and apologised “I’m so sorry I forgot your Mum had died”. And that was the first time I felt the pain of not having you here this time of year. I was 12.

I can’t say the pain has gone because it hasn’t, I am still angry you are not here and I am still thinking about you every single day. I am jealous and still bitter that I don’t get to be with you when so many others get to be with theirs. The pain has changed, in some ways it has lessened and in some ways, it has grown stronger.

Mother’s Day is like the pinnacle of the pain during the year, I miss you so much. It is worse than your Birthday, Christmas, and the anniversary of your passing. I can’t buy you a card and flowers (you didn’t even like flowers) or maybe a box of your favourite chocolates, I can’t take you for lunch, I can’t spoil you. I want a Mother’s Day when we are all together, I want my kids to have Nanny cuddles; they will never get one and I want a Mother’s Day photo of you with my kids. Would you have grey hair now, your hair was so dark? Would you have lots of wrinkles, your skin was always so smooth? I wish I could see you. Truth is I can’t even remember the sound of your voice anymore (this one really upsets me).

For years, I avoided Mothers Day, my heart sank every single time I was reminded that the day I hated most was fast approaching. It triggered all the emotions I had pushed to the back of mind, made me feel them again as if it had just happened all over. When I say, the pain has lessened in some ways it is because I am now a Mum myself. I get to experience what you no longer can. I get the homemade cards, maybe breakfast in bed and I get the cuddles. I feel what you must have felt and it’s just the best feeling in the world. Losing you has made it much more precious to me, I don’t really need the material stuff just having them with me makes my Mother’s Day.

But I still miss you so much…. Happy Mother’s Day Mum.

Chocolate and Wine is the Solution

I'm a multitasking anxious Momma to 3 and I have got my writing mojo back!

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