Moving in a new direction

SassyB - 21 Nov 17

Returning to work earlier this year after 12 months off on maternity leave was a nerve-wracking and anxiety-inducing experience for me. Don’t get me wrong, I was grateful to have a job to return to, excited to be getting out of leggings and long tops, and looking forward to being able to use my brain for more than just calculating the number of nappies and snacks I might need for a full day out. But my confidence was at a low ebb (having a baby can do that to you) and I was apprehensive over what I was returning to – a lot had changed in the year I was away and I’d already had to adapt to a small person coming into my life. I was so consumed with worry that I typed it all out as a kind of diary entry. It was cathartic and prompted me to write even more, which in turn became an endeavour into blogging.

Ironically, I’ve never posted that first-ever brain dump but recently I was reminded of it and of the turmoil I was in before stepping back into the world of work. One part in particular still really strikes a chord with me: “What if I’ve forgotten how to be good at all the stuff I was good at before having a baby? What if I can’t actually hold a conversation without singing half of it? And worst of all, what if it’s all for nothing? I’m nurturing a new-found sense of purpose as a mum and I can’t shake the feeling that no job, no matter how amazing it is, will ever quite match up.”

That was my biggest fear – and, to be brutally honest, it was a valid one. I’ve always loved my job, it’s all I’ve ever done since leaving school and I’ve worked really hard to get to where I am. I guess I’m one of those people whose job defines them; I genuinely believe that if I’m not good at my job then I’m not good at anything. But going back to work changed that. I returned to a new environment, a new-ish role and a new way of working. It took my already full brain (Nursery bag packed? Are there clean clothes for work? When did the dishwasher last go on? Who’s doing the school run on Wednesday? What’s that rash on his tummy? Must remember to register at the dentist…) a lifetime to catch up and I didn’t feel I was doing a good job. Hell, I didn’t feel I was even doing an average job. Honestly, I felt inadequate. It was a slow, creeping feeling but now I can easily and readily admit that I was unhappy.

It was as much about the job as it was about me. Nothing can make me feel as valued getting a random, unprompted cuddle from my little man. Or him actually eating, in full, something I’ve cooked. Or watching him take his first wobbly steps. That makes me feel like I’m doing something good; like I’ve achieved something. Believe me no one’s more shocked by this than I am but the reality is that I can’t spend my days revelling in the little things he does to make myself feel better. It’s not practical, it’s not affordable and I’d definitely lose my mind after a while. I want to work and I’m lucky that I have the option to.

So that’s why I left my job.

It was a huge decision, one that involved the whole family and not one I took lightly. I left a solid, safe, secure, permanent role for a 12-month contract role and at the same time have decided to start starting a year-long qualification in social media management – which I can’t really afford but want to do for myself. They’re both risks in themselves but in a year’s time I’ll have new experiences and new skills under my belt for me to try even more new things – so I can grow as my little one does and I can start to build up my sense of self-worth outside of his achievements. Balancing work and home is hugely important to me and if I’m going to be a good mum and a good employee then I needed to make this change.

I’m still nervous and anxious, and my confidence is rocked. I’m still worried I won’t be able to remember what to do and I’m sure no one would appreciate me singing anything at them at all – but now I know it’s not all for nothing. It’s for me, and my self-worth. It’s for my family and their sanity (no one likes living with a grump) and it’s for my little boy, who needs a happy, fulfilled mum who can show him the value of doing something you love.

SassyB

Mum to one and step-mum to another, working and living in the Midlands. I used to write about other people, now I'm trying my hand at writing about myself. Pretty much only had a baby so I could dress someone up in a costume at least once a week...

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