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Mrs Stay Home Mummy – Curriculum Vitae
CV
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Education
GOV.UK schools admissions programme (PASS)
Bounty Pregnancy Notes Module (PASS)
NCT Antenatal Course (FAIL – home/ natural birth not achieved)
A bachelor of arts degree with honours, some A levels and GSCE’s that at the time were everything at the time but bear no relevance in this field.
Skills
Reading skills – I can bring the written word
I am proficient in scary dragon voice and wimpy Pooh Bear voice, with a willingness to learn more accents and pitches.
I have significant experience with Julia Donaldson and Dr. Seuss, and I am keen to explore new fields that don’t include words like ‘yuzz-a-ma-tuzz’ and stories about cocky mice in deep dark woods.
Computer skills – Significant training and experience using Microsoft Office. Hours spent on these valuable tools are transferable to the home
I am now a ‘super user’ of the CBeebies application on a variety of mediums (iPhone, iPad, shitty £30 off brand kids tablet).
I have located Swashbuckler’s Gem’s treasure on multiple occasions and have also made the smug arse Captain Cockwomble walk the plank.
Management experience – I have significant experience managing junior staff and can use tact, diplomacy and kindness to encourage colleagues to reach their full potential.
These skills can help in the home environment by encouraging self-dressing,
I am able to repeat phonics and sound out words like a Brit ordering a drink in a Benidorm pub. Loudly and slowly.
Meeting Deadlines – My previous professional experience of submitting Board level reports has put me in good stead to meet challenging deadlines.
I recognise future deadlines include but are not
ironing 1,458 labels into school uniforms
getting to school on time twice a day
paying extra curricular activity term fees (nearly) on time
hitting the vague window of 12-1 for lunchtime. I am very aware that it’s vital this time window is met or hanger ensues.
Calm under pressure – I have met Prime Ministers, visited Buckingham Palace and flown overseas for my professional career, and so I know how to emanate an air of calmness and serenity in exceptional situations.
I am optimistic I can
I can also sing Michael Jackson songs really loudly, in a car, with the windows open, in rush hour, to assist a sleepy toddler in staying awake. With a 35% rate of success.
Project Management – I have been responsible for creating and enforcing the project management RASCI model in my previous roles and can use that method to ensure that I am all of the letters
Responsible, Accountable, Suffering, Crying, Irritable*
* acronym has been adapted.
Experience in the field
Jo Jingles – I have said hello to Jo more times than I can stomach count.
Monkey Music – 15% of classes interacted with, 85% spent chasing a toddler around a church hall. Whilst pregnant.
Little Kickers – not sure what this is about as spent most of the time wanting to little kickthe coach in the balls. But experience nonetheless.
Various ballet
Aqua Tots – nervously dunking my 6-month-old under the water because the only just post pubescent instructor said to. Stuck it out despite crying after most sessions.
Variety of soul destroying soft play facilities – experienced in encouraging voice, asking/ requesting/ insisting each sibling plays with each other, dislocating at least one knee cap per session and receiving 4,566 counts of static shock from the bright terrifying tunnels.
Playground – well versed at
All for a hazy period of time at different intervals between 2013 and 2017.
Employment
Professional career and roles excluded as not relevant in this challenging new environment.
Awards and Acknowledgements
Awards
Arse Wiper of the Year (East Surrey)
The Rosette Award for Lego 101
Winning submission: Square elephant with out of proportion trunk.
Culinary Distinction – superlative beige
Highly commended in ‘TV for distraction’
Winning example: Toy Story Marathon of 1, 2 and 3 with a seamless transition.
Acknowledgements
‘And I quote “They’re quite a handful aren’t they. Must get on your bloody nerves.” Part time TFL bus driver/ Full-time Twat.
References
Available upon request. Likely to be provided on a chalk board. In snot.