Mum and me

About Mother - 4 May 17

First of all, I’d like to say I’m grateful. Grateful to have a mum when I know so many have to live without theirs. But I struggle with mine, and I feel guilty for even thinking that let alone putting it down on paper. She’s done so much for me and been my rock when I’ve been at my lowest. Maybe that’s why it hurts more deeply than it should; to feel like a disappointment in the eyes of someone you love weighs heavy on the heart. Yesterday she told me the life I lead “is not what I ever wished for you”.  In truth there’s always been something, in her eyes, missing from my life – be it that promotion, buying a property, or even simply phoning her more often.  There’s always something I could do better and I always seem to be one notch below par. The simple fact is I don’t seem to match the ‘daughter blueprint’ she had in mind (reading between the lines, I assume this would be a lot like her).    

I know ultimately she wants the best for me but the reality is it’s stifling.  I’ve always cared what people think of me, wanted to fit in, but with age I’ve managed to care less and be more confident in myself.  My mother’s approval though is a tough one to shake off, and makes me feel like I’m back to square one.  But why do I need it? And what difference would it make if I had it?  I’d be on the same path as I am now but maybe a fraction less burdened.  The truth is my ‘life-path’ isn’t like hers and I wonder if thats the problem – a disconnect between expectation and reality.  It makes me wonder what I in turn expect from my daughter, do I even have expectations yet?  Maybe they’re already programmed in my head but I just don’t realise it: of what she will do with her life or even, what type of person she will be. 

Going back to what she said about my life not being what she would have wished, I have to say, my life is great and I’m fortunate in so many ways.  The only way I can get my head around the situation with mum is to turn the negative and worrisome tone into something a little more life-affirming, and rather than looking for what’s missing see what is there and how amazing it is.   

But then again, maybe I expect too much of her.  Maybe unconsciously I’m asking for perfection. After all she’s only saying what she believes, and there are few people I know more staunch than her.  “I only want what’s best for you”… a stock parenting phrase and one my mother uses regularly.  But to me its a bit of a dangerous one, because what do we really mean by it? Is it that you want what’s ‘best’ as you see it, or do you truly want what your child says is best for her (and do you even understand what that is)?

My daughter is only pre-school age right now so its a little early to ponder how she will live her life, but one thing I can do in the here and now is tell her “I’m so proud of you no matter what you do”. 

About Mother

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