Mumming musings 364 days in

Alison Davies - 29 Aug 17

On the eve of my daughter’s first birthday I’m in a reflective mood. It is mind boggling to think just how much my life has changed in such a short space of time. For 35 years I had dreamed of becoming a mother and now it’s actually happened I can honestly say it’s the single hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I’m a huge planner and control freak, my career in project management plays right in to this aspect of my personality, so when my waters broke nearly 5 weeks early on 28th August last year I was frankly shocked and terrified.  I cried on the loo that “I wasn’t ready” and grieved for the month of preparing, pregnancy yoga and crap tv I wouldn’t have left. The birth was far from the drug free water hypno birthing experience I had hoped for and discussed on my NCT course; monitored and induced I ended up with nearly all the interventions possible, epidural, drips and eventually emergency forceps and an episiotomy (google if you dare!). As our tiny baby lie on my chest grunting for breath I realised life would never be the same and I was right.

The first week of Isla’s life passed in a mixture of tears, waddling trips upstairs to the baby unit to visit her in her incubator and desperately trying to express the first few drops of milk to help her gain strength. Luckily Isla was a decent weight (5lbs, 4 oz) and was pretty healthy for a premature baby so we would be allowed home once breastfeeding had commenced. Breastfeeding a tiny baby who hasn’t quite developed her sucking reflex yet whilst trying to contend with a rather ample chest is super hard work. I cried buckets on many nurses and midwives as well as my husband and mum in those first few weeks. I was determined to feed her myself despite friends and family reassuring me it didn’t mean I had failed if I couldn’t. I’m not anti formula but I just felt this compulsion to see it through and succeed, I think because she was early and I wanted to give her the best start I possibly could.

Eventually with the help of a brilliant lactation consultant we hired I managed, but only with a rigorous plan involving expressing and multiple positions to get her latch correct. Once she was established with breastfeeding I  quickly realised something wasn’t right, she thrashed and cried and screamed at my chest and was sick an hour after feeding; she grunted, constantly did painful burps and wriggled, hated being on her back and slept terribly. Once my husband was back at work I was scared of being alone with her. I felt small and stupid and like I couldn’t do this.

After much googling (something I really don’t recommend in hindsight as it just fuels anxiety) and talking to a friend on Facebook I realised Isla was suffering from silent reflux, a type of painful acid heartburn for babies where acid bubbles up in their throat without coming out. Reflux  is often exacerbated by diet and I had noticed a link to eating dairy products. Armed with all of my information I made countless doctors appointments where I was made to feel like a neurotic first time mother. I’ve always been an anxious person but this whole experience was just fuelling that and consuming my every thought. My own GP insisted she wouldn’t have a problem with dairy through my breast milk and that it couldn’t be reflux as she was gaining weight. He sent me away telling me babies made noises and didn’t sleep!!

At my 6 week check post natal check I broke down in tears with my husband and Isla in the room. It was only then after seeing me at breaking point that the GP made the referral to the children’s hospital I had been asking for. He prescribed some anxiety medication and referred me to a self help group for postnatal mothers and some telephone counselling. I felt like a total failure. I hadn’t dealt with my feelings about her early arrival and the fact we were separated for the first week of her life and now I wasn’t coping with her being ill. Yet somehow through all of this I just kept going.  Suddenly there was no time to wallow or naval gaze as I might have done previously as my priority was now this tiny little person who needed me. This is how motherhood has changed me the most. For every moment I just wanted to curl up and pull a sickie I couldn’t. I talked with my mum friends about the relentless of this new world we inhabit, from the breastfeeding on demand, to the teething or as time progressed cleaning the carnage of mealtimes.

I spoke to other friends whose babies had also experienced cow’s milk protein allergy and undertook a dairy, soya and egg free diet. I went from happily scoffing cheese (my all time favourite food) to carefully scanning the labels of every packet and eating in vegan friendly cafes. I became obsessed with a brilliant Facebook support group where other mums identified treats I could eat to keep me going; as a result I consumed A LOT of Co-op custard doughnuts which are surprisingly accidentally vegan! We finally had our appointment with the paediatrician and he confirmed that Isla did indeed have silent reflux and a cow’s milk protein intolerance or allergy and that I had done all the right things with my diet. When we got home, I took myself off to the bathroom and sobbed with relief, finally someone had believed me and I hadn’t totally lost my marbles. The weight gain as I had suspected had been due to small comfort feeds to soothe the acid pain she was suffering with.

Over the next few months and with the help of acid blocking and reducing medicine and my diet changes Isla started to change and improve; the continual grunting, tiny naps and sick reduced. I began to gradually feel more like my old confident self. I was no longer scared to take her out and feed her in public, or on the bus in case she screamed in pain. She seemed happier and aside from our daily struggles to get two types of medicine in to her I began to relax. I ended up with an unrelated breastfeeding cyst which I now need to have regularly drained – at first I was terrified of this but now I see it more as an inconvenience and that is because your resilience as a new mother becomes huge.  Now if I start to feel down I just think what I have been through and how well I’m doing and pick myself up and now I can eat chocolate again I reach for that 😉  I should add here that my my new village of NCT mum friends have kept me sane, cried and laughed with me and most of all listened. Our whatsapp group #mumlife could be its own novel on the ups and downs of motherhood. The daily chat veers from sleep, to poo, rashes, illnesses, fizz, cake and inevitably back to poo! I feel like I’ve been friends with these girls my whole life because our barriers are down and motherhood has forced us to be more open, honest and vulnerable.

It seems that so much of parenthood is learning as you go and listening to those you trust and who have been there before but I’m also a firm believer in relying on your own instincts. As time progressed I was able to enjoy watching Isla develop; the first laugh, the constant rolling and then sitting up and beginning to wean. Now at 364 days she is in in to everything, crawling at speed, standing and waving. A delight, our little Isla the smiler.

Despite her health improvements Isla continued to be a terrible sleeper  and the constant wakings and feedings up to 8 times a night (!) were taking their toll on our whole family. At nearly 11 months and after some good advice from a family friend my equally determined and much more pragmatic husband carried out some sleep training with her. Finally she slept in a sleepyhead pod within her cot in her own room and would nap here rather than on us in the sling. Instantly our backs breathed a sigh of relief! This was big news and I only wish we had done it earlier. She’s still not a wonderful sleeper due to the never ending cycle of teething pain but it has improved and we are now able to enjoy a bit of an evening without her waking every 40 minutes.

I’m now in the final few weeks of my maternity leave and wishing I had longer to enjoy life at home with our strong willed, smiley, bright, almost walking toddler. Despite all the challenges and bumps in the road it has been an incredible experience and one that has genuinely changed my outlook on life.

Isla is doing brilliantly now – she can tolerate dairy through my breast milk and small amounts directly but is currently taking little amounts of goat’s milk while we test her tolerance levels. She is still very much attached  to breastfeeding and not a good eater so the next worry is how she will cope with starting nursery at the end of September. Deep down I know she will be fine – she will adapt and grow just like I have. She’s cut from the same cloth and I see parts of me in her personality every day.

Writing this has been cathartic – a form of therapy in a way. So many mums write about the joy, blessings and happiness babies bring and whilst that is all true I think it’s important to recognise the hardships and tough parts and to let other new mums know it is OK to ask for help. In our western society sadly not enough worth is attached to motherhood and I have certainly noticed a change in the way strangers view me or interact with me. I just wish those people could try this job for one day, going back to work is going to be a breeze in comparison..

Bring on toddlerhood and the next stage. I’M READY.

Alison Davies

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