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My early miscarriage
As an NHS insider, and someone who works to improve women and men’s experiences of maternity and general health services, weirdly my first thoughts as the midwife began the scan were ”I
So what is the point of this piece? I’m not
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So I had what they call an early miscarriage. Have you had one? Not quite sure what the difference between an early miscarriage and a miscarriage miscarriage is, but i’m pretty sure I was right on the border line. Though they couldn’t exactly tell me when it happened, just that there was “no sign of a pregnancy”, i started bleeding at bang on 8 weeks.
As an NHS insider, and someone who works to improve women and men’s experiences of maternity and general health services, weirdly my first thoughts as the midwife began the scan were “I wonder how she’s going to break this to me”. [She did not bad by the way – “So i’m not seeing an sign of a pregnancy, i’m really sorry”] I think deep down I knew what was about to happen. Do you think that’s possible? I’d only had 4 weeks of being “pregnant”, but other than achy boobs and feeling extremely sleepy I’d had none of the physical symptoms than I had the first time around. I wouldn’t have said I was particularly excited or happy about being pregnant either, though i put this down to it being my second time, and having my hands full already with a three year old. But then I was thinking things like, “Damn, I really wanted to drink at this thing next week” and “I’m really enjoying work just now and I don’t want to give it up so soon”. It could not have been more different from the first time around when I could barely contain my excitement and news, and when I was practically counting the days until matermity leave before the pee stick had even dried. Again, I wonder, did I know this was always going to happen?
So what is the point of this piece? I’m not really sure to be honest. Maybe just a cathartic process, a chance to write down some of what I’ve been thinking. To send questions out into the e-ther that may never be answered? Maybe I want someone to say it’s ok that I’m not devestated by the whole thing. Anyway back to the drawing board. Trying for a baby isn’t all that bad really, and at least I’ll get that wee drink next week….