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Motherhood Without My Baby

1
If you had asked me six months ago, as I teetered excitedly towards to end of pregnancy, what motherhood would be like, I would have flippantly listed the usual preconceptions of teething babies and endless nappy changing.

But motherhood for me has turned out quite differently to how I imagined.

After eight years together  my partner and I were delighted beyond belief to be expecting our first child. I was blessed with a healthy, gentle pregnancy and I loved every second. My camera roll filled up with growing bump shots and we decorated the

SelfishMother.com
2
nursery with all the love in the world as we dreamt endlessly of our future together as a family.

Our beautiful son Winter Wolfe was born on October 23rd 2015, weighing 7lbs 6oz, all pink and fleshy with big brown eyes. He lay on my chest and we gushed with pure love. But the pleasure was not to last. At just 30 minutes old, Winter suddenly stopped breathing. Doctors and nurses poured into the room to resuscitate him, and we were told, still in the delivery room, that our baby was unlikely to survive. He fought so bravely to stay with us, but our son

SelfishMother.com
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died the next day as we held him in our arms. He was here and then gone, just like that. As we left the hospital empty handed, I thought that my time as a mother was over.

I would soon realise however, that although my experience of motherhood is tainted with sadness and loss, it’s still motherhood. My motherhood is not feeding, bathing and dressing a baby. Instead my motherhood is a realisation of lessons that were taught to me by my son.

Before I met Winter I’d just expected to keep him. My son taught me that nothing in life is

SelfishMother.com
4
guaranteed and we can’t live our life based on imaginary future expectations. He also taught me that we can’t take anything for granted – that everything can change in an instant. He taught me that I must cherish those close to me, never go to bed on an argument, and always tell my loved ones just how much they mean to me.

Before I met Winter I had wasted so much precious time worrying about unimportant things in life, getting caught up in idle gossip and complaining about life’s hardships. My son taught me that there is no guarantee on how

SelfishMother.com
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long our life will be. A single day passes  and we think nothing of it, often we count down the days, and wish our days away, but Winter’s whole life was just one day. He taught me to wake up each morning and be thankful for life, to live that  day and every day in honour of his lifetime by bringing value and meaning to every single day. I go to bed at night reflecting on how lucky I am to simply have air in my lungs and life in my body.

Before I met Winter I didn’t know the great depths of human love and compassion. My son taught me love on a

SelfishMother.com
6
whole new level, the kind of love that can only be experienced by mother and child. He taught me that it’s possible for everyone to experience pain, and as we go about our daily lives, we have countless opportunities to stop suffering simply by being kind to everyone we meet. From the love and support his legacy has generated and the money he has raised to help save babies, my son taught me that in this world full of anger and hatred, there is also endless generosity, love and kindness everywhere we look.

Most mothers plan birthday parties, I

SelfishMother.com
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planned a funeral. But I am a mother, and even in its painful difficulties, my experience of motherhood has given me a new perspective. Of course, I wish so desperately that I could be experiencing the first smiles, first teeth and first steps of another motherhood, but I would go through all the pain and loss again just to have that one brief day with my baby.

Thankyou Winter Wolfe, for making me a mother, giving me the gift of motherhood and teaching me all about life in the one day that you lived yours.

SelfishMother.com

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- 5 May 16

If you had asked me six months ago, as I teetered excitedly towards to end of pregnancy, what motherhood would be like, I would have flippantly listed the usual preconceptions of teething babies and endless nappy changing.

But motherhood for me has turned out quite differently to how I imagined.

After eight years together  my partner and I were delighted beyond belief to be expecting our first child. I was blessed with a healthy, gentle pregnancy and I loved every second. My camera roll filled up with growing bump shots and we decorated the nursery with all the love in the world as we dreamt endlessly of our future together as a family.

Our beautiful son Winter Wolfe was born on October 23rd 2015, weighing 7lbs 6oz, all pink and fleshy with big brown eyes. He lay on my chest and we gushed with pure love. But the pleasure was not to last. At just 30 minutes old, Winter suddenly stopped breathing. Doctors and nurses poured into the room to resuscitate him, and we were told, still in the delivery room, that our baby was unlikely to survive. He fought so bravely to stay with us, but our son died the next day as we held him in our arms. He was here and then gone, just like that. As we left the hospital empty handed, I thought that my time as a mother was over.

I would soon realise however, that although my experience of motherhood is tainted with sadness and loss, it’s still motherhood. My motherhood is not feeding, bathing and dressing a baby. Instead my motherhood is a realisation of lessons that were taught to me by my son.

Before I met Winter I’d just expected to keep him. My son taught me that nothing in life is guaranteed and we can’t live our life based on imaginary future expectations. He also taught me that we can’t take anything for granted – that everything can change in an instant. He taught me that I must cherish those close to me, never go to bed on an argument, and always tell my loved ones just how much they mean to me.

Before I met Winter I had wasted so much precious time worrying about unimportant things in life, getting caught up in idle gossip and complaining about life’s hardships. My son taught me that there is no guarantee on how long our life will be. A single day passes  and we think nothing of it, often we count down the days, and wish our days away, but Winter’s whole life was just one day. He taught me to wake up each morning and be thankful for life, to live that  day and every day in honour of his lifetime by bringing value and meaning to every single day. I go to bed at night reflecting on how lucky I am to simply have air in my lungs and life in my body.

Before I met Winter I didn’t know the great depths of human love and compassion. My son taught me love on a whole new level, the kind of love that can only be experienced by mother and child. He taught me that it’s possible for everyone to experience pain, and as we go about our daily lives, we have countless opportunities to stop suffering simply by being kind to everyone we meet. From the love and support his legacy has generated and the money he has raised to help save babies, my son taught me that in this world full of anger and hatred, there is also endless generosity, love and kindness everywhere we look.

Most mothers plan birthday parties, I planned a funeral. But I am a mother, and even in its painful difficulties, my experience of motherhood has given me a new perspective. Of course, I wish so desperately that I could be experiencing the first smiles, first teeth and first steps of another motherhood, but I would go through all the pain and loss again just to have that one brief day with my baby.

Thankyou Winter Wolfe, for making me a mother, giving me the gift of motherhood and teaching me all about life in the one day that you lived yours.

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I'm officially named Nicola but I go by the lifelong nickname of Pea, a tribute to how teeny tiny I am. I write short pieces based on my Kadampa Buddhist faith and my experience of infant loss after my beautiful baby son Winter Wolfe grew his angel wings at one day old. Follow our blog www.onedayofwinter.com and insta @life_of_pea

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