My Half-Term Diary

Tetyana Denford - 2 Jun 16

Dear lord, I wish the screaming would stop. Oh wait, I think that’s only in my head. But still. It’s bad.

It’s half-term, and I think I’m losing my sanity. My husband went back to work on Tuesday–and although he was with us for the long weekend (3 days that felt like 2 hours), he selfishly decided that he has to earn money for a living instead of saving me from my personal hell. How dare he.

My middle child can’t go anywhere because he had his tonsils out a handful of days ago and is still susceptible to infection. So we’re at home. Forever (well, at least until Tuesday next week, which feels like the same thing).

Every half-term pretty much goes the same way, so I’ll pre-empt this Week Of Cherishing The Precious Moments by being honest about what my days really look like, no Instagram filters allowed.

My week in numbers…

Tuesday

25 times I hissed “for f*cks sake” under my breath every time someone shouted for more juice/water/crisps/peanut butter sandwiches/movies.
5 minutes I used to have the shortest catnap on the planet, lying prostrate on the floor with children jumping on my back, poking me with crayons. At one point, I think I started hallucinating from the exhaustion because I mumble (apropos of nothing) “I really enjoyed that character on the Cosby Show”.
3 paracetamol, for obvious reasons.
2 cups of coffee (with or without rum in them, I’ll let you decide).
1 meal I ate that wasn’t on a pink plastic IKEA plate, standing up in the kitchen like a fugitive on the run.
7 tantrums (okay, 1 of them was mine), all completely unrelated to anything rational and seemingly life-and-death scenarios to the toddlers involved.
7:30 bedtime.
3 stories at bedtime.
4 arm and leg rubs.
5 before-bed questions including “why the moon doesn’t have grass on it”, “why don’t girls have tessicles”.
1/2 a tumbler of sherry on ice with a plastic bowl of pretzels and cheese strings for dinner.

Wednesday

5 times I shouted at/threatened/cajoled/bribed the kids to stay in bed past 5:30am.
15 random, happy thoughts about exotic warm island locations with half-naked men rubbing my feet and serving me cocktails.
3 times I looked in the refrigerator and accidentally-on-purpose reached for the Hendricks.
1/2 bottle of milk spilled on the floor.
72 Cheerios found in the tumble dryer.
0.5 times I called my husband at work telling him that he needs to quit his job and come home to rescue me. I dialled him but then hung up before he could answer.
1 set of car keys found in the freezer.
2 glasses of wine with two pieces of stale, pre-chewed Marmite toast before bed.

Thursday

3 hours’ of sleep the night before.
2 minutes that I had to shower before getting interrupted by 3 small people saying “why do you have hair there??” and “look how great this lipstick looks on the wall!”
1 hair dryer that stopped working after only half of my head was dry.
50 minutes of Peppa Pig before I almost called 111 to report a brain haemorrhage.
8 times that I checked the clock, only to realise that 3 minutes had passed and I needed to entertain these beings for another 6 hours. Awesome.
6(PM) pouring them into their beds convincing them that it’s “bedtime/lights out/no sound allowed” so that I can lie prostrate on the couch and scream into a pillow.
1 glass of red wine with dinner.
1 bowl of sugar snap peas and crisps for dinner. Oh and a piece of dusty chocolate from the back of the fridge.
3 minute conversation with my husband asking him why he’s still in the office at 10pm and that actually I don’t care because I’m about to watch Epic Celebrity Meltdowns and I don’t need any judgement.

Friday

2 hours of ANGRY CLEANING
4 times refereeing arguments over “which is the smarter Dinosaur” whilst playing Top Trumps.
5(PM) I’ve officially given up. Despite my scrubbing the house like Lady Macbeth on speed, there are handprints on the windows, sticky things on the floor from an unknown source, and pen on my white bedspread. But I have wine in the fridge. I win.
1 frozen pepperoni pizza for the kids’ dinner
8 slices of cucumber per kid, to even out the pizza.
7(pm) bedtime. no stories. no more stories. no more.
20 minute walk to the park.
40 minutes at the park before they start complaining of hunger and being cold.
10 minutes angry speed-walking back home.
6 pizza crusts for (my) dinner.
3 glasses of wine.

I can’t wait for the next half-term.

Tetyana Denford

Tetyana is a Ukrainian-American mum of three, married to an Englishman, living in NY. She's written for Elle and Vogue magazines, and her first novel 'Motherland' is available at Amazon. She hosts a YouTube show called The Craft and Business of Books, translates for Frontline PBS news, and writes freelance.

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