My Mother… The Narcissist

Susie Campbell - 22 Jul 16

I have written this piece as therapy, and also in the hopes that it will benefit others who may be suffering the effects of a narcissistic parent. I’m now 41 and I have only come to the realisation, in the last few months, that my Mother has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). After a brief chat with a friend, dealing with a narcissistic Mother-in-Law, I looked online to gain a better understanding of narcissism. Every article I read felt like all my missing links had been found… I was reading about my Mother.

NPD is a silent form of abuse, it is very difficult to pin point and hard for people to recognise. Also, if you grow up with a narcissistic parent you probably won’t know any different, so why would you question it? The narcissist will gradually wear you down, on an emotional level, and over time the person being abused will suffer severely.

A narcissist believes they are always right. Their way of thinking is the only way to think. To put it simply, if my Mother liked carrots, I would like carrots. If I liked avocado and she didn’t, avocados were “disgusting”. It eventually leads you to behave in a manor that means you want to constantly please the narcissist, often at the detriment to your own thoughts and feelings. YOU CONSTANTLY QUESTION YOUR REALITY.

I guess the abuse began around the age of 8, when my Mother began to tell me her personal problems. (A narcissistic parent will treat their child as if they are a friend, telling them their inner most and inappropriate thoughts. THEY WONT SHIELD YOU FROM PAIN.) She would share her woes and moan about other family members, in particular, my Father. I soon came to think my Dad was a worthless human being and by the time I was 13, I despised him on lots of levels. It felt like she never wanted me to bond with my Dad, and that is exactly what a narcissist will do in a family dynamic. No-one else can be loved or adored as much as them. They crave the attention and actively seek to disrupt other relationships in your life. They need to be number one and, very often, cruel behaviour is the only way they can achieve this.

Throughout my teens I felt very much entangled in her life and was under constant attack if I felt or thought differently about something she believed. My opinions didn’t matter and I soon came to learn that it was best to agree with her and disregard my head and my heart. It was severely damaging to my self-esteem and confidence, and as a result I began sleeping around. I guess I was seeking approval and wanted to be understood … but we all know that doesn’t work. It also has to be mentioned that other areas of my life were far from perfect. I can’t blaim my Mother for all of my actions.

By the time I hit my twenties, I didn’t know who I was, what I believed, liked, hated, loved or felt. My whole reality was tarnished by never being able to express myself, fully. It was severely damaging to my emotional well-being and after many counselling sessions, learning EFT, hypnotherapy and CBT, I finally began to learn who I was and what I wanted from life. Sadly, although I benefitted greatly from therapists, not one of them suggested NPD. I guess the main reason for this was because my Mother was a subsidary problem, and I hadn’t gone in to therapy with her in mind. Since reading around the subject, it seems that NPD is not widely recognised by all therapists.

I have so many events that I can now re-count that all make sense. Like the time she told me I was a horrible daughter, as I’d booked my flight to Holland just before her birthday. Or, the countless times she’d say something, and when I recalled the event her response would often be, ‘I never said that.’ Once again, making me doubt my own reality. Or, was it when she said my degree was a waste of time as I’d never really used it in a job? Or, maybe the time she told me she was worried I wasn’t strong enough to be a Mother. Yes, that really fucking hurt. In her mind, no-one could ever be as good a Mother as her.

If any of this is sounding familiar, I strongly recommended reading a book by Danu Morrigan called “You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother”. And if you’re wondering … I am in contact with my Mum. There are parts of our relationship that are very special, I just now know, with my new found knowledge, that there are ways of dealing with a narcissist. It does mean that many elements of the relationship will never be “real” and I now mentally prepare myself for the time I spend with her. And, if my Mother is a narcissist, maybe I am as well? Well, if you even think you are … you’re not. Narcissists cannot see the error of their ways, they are perfect in their own eyes. My husband and my friends tell me that I’m a kind person, and I constantly think about other people’s happiness. I feel assured that I am a good person and believe that is true … I don’t doubt that as my reality.

I am a Mother and I listen to my kids. I respect their feelings and support them in decisions. I guide them in making their life work for them in the best way possible… And I think I’m doing a pretty good job.

Susie Campbell

View profile for posts, events and more info