My NICU experience

BroganSasha - 6 Aug 17

A few nights ago I was browsing through sky, whilst swigging a glass of red, nothing on as per usual! I spotted One Born Every Minute & let me tell you, before I was pregnant I avoided that programme so much I’d even turn off the advert because child birth scared me so much! So when it was on during pregnancy I defo didn’t watch it, just seeing the words on the sky listings would make me shudder.

So when I saw it on I thought I’ve had my baby now why not give it a watch and there are so many people who tell me it’s a lovely programme! So there was one birth in particular that stuck with me, the woman had her little baby girl naturally and at full term. Mum got her skin to skin as soon as baby was born but because she was struggling to breath on her own she was whisked away to NICU & that was that. My heart literally broke as this poor new Mum was sat there, one minute in labour, then had the most amazing moment of her baby girl being placed on her chest for her then to be taken away so quickly. Thankfully the baby was healthy & fine, later on in the episode she went and visited her on NICU in her incubator.

Not many women know how that feels, it’s something I know all too well. Despite Jordan & I being fully prepared for an early delivery and our Loveday-Bloom being taken away after birth but I still longed for that moment where they place your baby on your chest, it was so hard not to get that but the most important thing for me at that time was LB was healthy and safe which thankfully she was, there was no rush or swarm of people, because she was breathing by herself & doing well it was all very calm and relaxed. It’s a surreal feeling when you’ve heard your baby crying, are told you have a little girl but not actually see her yet! Jordan went straight over to her & took pictures, and whilst they were stitching me up they brought her round to me in her incubator where I got to touch my baby girl for the first time (10 minutes after birth) it wasn’t how I imagined seeing my first baby but it was still the most special moment and I was just so grateful she was healthy.

12 hours later when I’d had a sleep & the feeling in my legs started to come back I was finally able to go to NICU and properly meet my baby girl. Getting out of bed was bloody tough, they took the catheter out (thank the lord) had my fresh pjs on, hair in a messy bun and probably looking horrendous, I didn’t care I was going to meet my baby! Jord wheeled me the short distance to the Neo Natal unit, I can’t even describe how I was feeling. There is no way to describe it!

I’ll never forget being wheeled into the room, seeing her in the incubator looking so cosy which made me feel so much happier knowing she looks content and comfortable. We sat there beside her for as long as we possibly could until I had to get my next dose of painkillers (I’ve never had so many drugs in my life lol) leaving my baby to even go downstairs to my bed was so difficult, I cried everytime. I was constantly back and forward between going to my ward to get drugs and to sit with my baby. I was finally discharged after 3 days but I didn’t actually want to leave because I knew I’d have to go home and leave her there for the whole night. We stayed at the hospital until 1am & eventually we had to leave. I will never forget that day, walking to the car with my bags, holding the ‘welcome baby girl’ balloons but without my baby girl, I’ve never cried so much in my entire life. I sobbed the whole way home, and all night. We woke up at the crack of dawn the next day to get straight back to the hospital to sit with her and this is how our lives pretty much went for the next 6 weeks, along with fitting in expressing!

We were able to hold her the day after she was born, there were no words to describe that moment & feeling! How remarkable it was to finally hold this precious little baby I had carried for 31 weeks & 5 days, we had such a close bond and I was finally properly reunited with her. The first time we had skin to skin and she settled near enough instantly, it’s a surreal feeling that this little person actually knows who I am just by my touch & smell, I’ll never forget that moment, not ever! It was so special to see Jordan do skin to skin too, it made me feel so proud of the two of them!

Any NICU Mum will tell you that first night leaving your baby is the most heartbreaking, it never gets easier it just becomes normality. Watching that Mum on OBEM sitting on her bed crying minutes after giving birth took me back to all those emotions I felt everyday in that hospital. Thinking about it now brings a tear to my eye and I don’t think I gave myself enough credit for everything I did during our stay there, and I was so lucky for the most wonderful family (especially my parents, because they knew exactly how I felt as I too was born 8 weeks early) and friends and of course Jordan who dealt with my daily meltdowns amazingly! I met some remarkable parents on NICU, we were so lucky & there were some parents who’d been there for 11 weeks already and probably had a long way to go still yet they were so calm and collected but I can imagine behind closed doors they were as stressed as us. There were literally days I avoided visitors purely because I was tired of putting on a brave face but now I know that was silly of me, but at the time it’s just how I felt.

Some days I literally didn’t leave LB’s side for 10-12 hours, not even for a drink or toilet break! There were a few days the nurse looking after LB would actually notice I hadn’t moved all day & would practically force me to go eat something, at the time I thought I don’t need it but now I’m really grateful that they noticed and was there for me as well as LB, our fav nurses were Kat, Hannah, Helen & Ali (hi if you’re reading). I actually felt like they saw me as me rather than just ‘another Mum’ and we’d talk about normal everyday things which was lovely, it felt like I had a friend there.

The day LB was able to leave the NICU I met a Mum in the expressing room who had only been on the unit for a week and it was looking as though she’d be there for a while yet. Thinking back to my first week to where I was at the time, it was a long road but we got there! The lady was so lovely and I stood there and chatted with her for a while talking about our babies & she was asking me questions. She was telling me how she was being discharged that evening and tonight would be the first time she had to leave her baby, her eyes welled up telling me and before I knew it we were both stood there crying holding our freshly expressed milk lol I was hugging and comforting this woman, I didn’t even know her name but I’d been there and done it, I wish there was a Mum when I was newly on the unit who did the same for me, just told me it’ll be ok and give me her best advice & a hug. It’s sometimes nice just to vent to a complete stranger! (I did have a friend I spoke to a lot who had experienced NICU a few weeks before me so she helped me massively, more than she probably knows) I’m gutted I didn’t get this woman’s name now because I’d have happily messaged her daily despite being home just to keep her spirits up! Now I think about how exhausting expressing was, it was just another added pressure but it’s so worthwhile as you’re providing your baby with something amazing, and that is worth every amount of stress I felt!

What I’m saying is, it’s so easy on the NICU to bottle up for your feelings, go and hide in the toilet to silently cry because you felt so alone but if there is a Mum who is reading this who currently has a baby on the unit or someone who could experience the NICU at some point during their life, please please know you’re not alone! Every Mum on there feels how you do, even if they look like they have it together! Just talk to one another as it helps so bloody much. If you were lucky enough to get to hold your baby straight after birth and leave with your baby the same day please do realise how wonderful that is, cherish those moments! This was so emotional to write, I swear since having a baby I cry all the time. I’m sure Jord won’t mind me saying but he’s been hit with the emotional stick too, we’ve all seen the new pampers preemie advert, as soon as it comes on & we hear ‘I’m coming home’ Jords gone 😭 it’s crazy what becoming a parent does to you!

This one is for all Mums but especially my fellow NICU Mum’s. You’re the strongest women I know! 💪🏼

Brogan x

Side note – And in the picture above LB is sleeping in her Sleepyhead which I highly recommend as babies that have been in incubators are so used to having a nice and cosy atmosphere so these are amazing for preemie babies! I’ll put a link below 😘

Sleepyhead of Sweden

Ps all the staff on the NICU really are amazing & deserve endless praise!! We can’t thank-you all enough ❤️

BroganSasha

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