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Two caveats, before I begin: firstly, this post packs no punches, some might find it distressing. Secondly, you may not agree with my views, but that’s okay, I’ve learned not to read the comments! Feel free to keep scrolling 🙂
There’s been a lot of distressing content this week, hasn’t there? Thousands dead in Israel and Gaza. Kidnapped children, teenagers, mothers, elderly people. On Sunday morning I digested the news and turned to my husband: “MEN. It’s men, fighting, again! What the fuck is wrong with men?” He was doing the washing
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up, and looked taken aback, so I added: “You’re great though. It’s not all men, of course.”
But I bet even Hamas does the washing up occasionally. I love the men in my life, my husband, my sons, my dad, my brother, my male friends. They are modern and progressive. My sons know about periods. My dad enjoys cooking. Sometimes my husband cries. But as I digest the news, time and again, when there’s war, random murders, domestic violence, rapes, abductions, mass shootings, coercive control… it’s 80/20 ‘people who have penises’ who are
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the perpetrators. I’m being generous, I think it’s probably more like 90/10, or 95/5, but I don’t have global crime stats in front of me. And of course, many crimes aren’t even reported.
What is it with men? I wonder, as I simultaneously notice a growing feminine calm within me. I feel more at ease in recent years. I do not get as heated or triggered as once I did. My patience has improved. Having grown three humans, I feel like I appreciate the fragile beauty of human life. I’m awestruck by it in fact. My focus is on nurturing, nesting
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and cultivating life. Now not all women have kids, but childless women I know in their 40s, 50s or 60s – are also generally calm. Wise women. So is it a surprise that one glimmer of hope this week about Israel and Gaza, was the march in Jerusalem where women FROM BOTH SIDES joined together in a march of peace, asking for more female voices at the negotiating table?
Women gathering to find a peaceful solution. Hell yes! Because, it’s a fact – backed by stats – that women rarely trigger wars. (Yes, Maggie Thatcher did – there’s always an
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exception). It’s also a known fact that women suffer hugely in the midst of war: bearing the burden of violence, poverty and inequality. Rape is used as a weapon, sadly, almost by default: by Russians in Ukraine, by Serbians in Bosnia, by Americans in Iraq. I recently read about Pakistan’s 1971 mass rape of Bengali women, rounded up and detained in camps solely for that purpose. Dark as f**k.
No, it’s not all men, but when the media talks about ‘war’ I wonder if we shouldn’t start prefixing it. Acknowledging the gender role: male war.
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Male Putin. Male Taliban. Male Hamas. Too simple? Yes, situations are complex. Steeped in history. Yes, women commit crimes too. It’s interesting that morality police in Iran can be female. Like the Aunts in The Handmaids’ Tale – I shudder with how close to fiction, Iranian women’s reality is. It’s also interesting that Suella Braverman is female, and of immigrant descent. Exceptions like Braverman aside, I’m increasingly drawn to wise women. The female way of handling conflict.
In Somerset where I live, wise women were once branded
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‘witches’ and ducked, by men, probably. But these days my enclave of Somerset feels safe, sometimes boringly so; but I’m learning to appreciate that, too. Safety in a place like Cheers or Greendale ‘where everybody knows your name.’ It’s spacious too: there’s plenty of room. If only we could choose love, Suella, and let more people in, so they could escape those man-made conflicts. Because here men don’t start wars, not unless they are wars about parking, on Facebook… and even then they don’t start them to your face.
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Molly Gunn, Editor - 11 Oct 23
Two caveats, before I begin: firstly, this post packs no punches, some might find it distressing. Secondly, you may not agree with my views, but that’s okay, I’ve learned not to read the comments! Feel free to keep scrolling 🙂
There’s been a lot of distressing content this week, hasn’t there? Thousands dead in Israel and Gaza. Kidnapped children, teenagers, mothers, elderly people. On Sunday morning I digested the news and turned to my husband: “MEN. It’s men, fighting, again! What the fuck is wrong with men?” He was doing the washing up, and looked taken aback, so I added: “You’re great though. It’s not all men, of course.”
But I bet even Hamas does the washing up occasionally. I love the men in my life, my husband, my sons, my dad, my brother, my male friends. They are modern and progressive. My sons know about periods. My dad enjoys cooking. Sometimes my husband cries. But as I digest the news, time and again, when there’s war, random murders, domestic violence, rapes, abductions, mass shootings, coercive control… it’s 80/20 ‘people who have penises’ who are the perpetrators. I’m being generous, I think it’s probably more like 90/10, or 95/5, but I don’t have global crime stats in front of me. And of course, many crimes aren’t even reported.
What is it with men? I wonder, as I simultaneously notice a growing feminine calm within me. I feel more at ease in recent years. I do not get as heated or triggered as once I did. My patience has improved. Having grown three humans, I feel like I appreciate the fragile beauty of human life. I’m awestruck by it in fact. My focus is on nurturing, nesting and cultivating life. Now not all women have kids, but childless women I know in their 40s, 50s or 60s – are also generally calm. Wise women. So is it a surprise that one glimmer of hope this week about Israel and Gaza, was the march in Jerusalem where women FROM BOTH SIDES joined together in a march of peace, asking for more female voices at the negotiating table?
Women gathering to find a peaceful solution. Hell yes! Because, it’s a fact – backed by stats – that women rarely trigger wars. (Yes, Maggie Thatcher did – there’s always an exception). It’s also a known fact that women suffer hugely in the midst of war: bearing the burden of violence, poverty and inequality. Rape is used as a weapon, sadly, almost by default: by Russians in Ukraine, by Serbians in Bosnia, by Americans in Iraq. I recently read about Pakistan’s 1971 mass rape of Bengali women, rounded up and detained in camps solely for that purpose. Dark as f**k.
No, it’s not all men, but when the media talks about ‘war’ I wonder if we shouldn’t start prefixing it. Acknowledging the gender role: male war. Male Putin. Male Taliban. Male Hamas. Too simple? Yes, situations are complex. Steeped in history. Yes, women commit crimes too. It’s interesting that morality police in Iran can be female. Like the Aunts in The Handmaids’ Tale – I shudder with how close to fiction, Iranian women’s reality is. It’s also interesting that Suella Braverman is female, and of immigrant descent. Exceptions like Braverman aside, I’m increasingly drawn to wise women. The female way of handling conflict.
In Somerset where I live, wise women were once branded ‘witches’ and ducked, by men, probably. But these days my enclave of Somerset feels safe, sometimes boringly so; but I’m learning to appreciate that, too. Safety in a place like Cheers or Greendale ‘where everybody knows your name.’ It’s spacious too: there’s plenty of room. If only we could choose love, Suella, and let more people in, so they could escape those man-made conflicts. Because here men don’t start wars, not unless they are wars about parking, on Facebook… and even then they don’t start them to your face.
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Molly Gunn is the founder and editor of Selfish Mother, a site she created for like-minded women in 2013. Molly has been a journalist for over 15 years, starting out working on fashion desks at The Guardian, The Telegraph & ES Magazine before going freelance in 2006 to write for quality publications. She now edits Selfish Mother, sells #GoodTees to raise funds for charity, & writes freelance for Red Magazine and The Sunday Telegraph's Stella. Molly is mother to Rafferty, 6, Fox, 4, and baby Liberty. She is married to Tom aka music producer Tee Mango and founder of Millionhands. They live in Bruton, Somerset.
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