Sometimes You Just Have to ‘Wing It’

Rebecca Royle - 13 Jul 16

Ok, so I’m 36 weeks pregnant (yeah but soooo tired), still working as a Mum Boss photographer (yeah girl power, but soooo tired), have decided to move house (nesting on a huge scale, causes full on exhaustion just thinking about it) have a whirlwind 23 month old Daughter (amazing but sooooo tiring) and a twisted pelvis (ouch!).

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me complaining, just setting the scene for my no doubt mini breakdown that I anticipate is somewhere around the corner.

I’ve been told that having a 2 year age gap between children is the perfect age gap to achieve. I don’t know who said this and my husband and I certainly didn’t plan the gap like this, but here’s hoping they are right! In fact, planning is the exact opposite of what’s happened here. Our second Daughter, Ruby, is somewhat of a very happy accident indeed, as we didn’t think we would be blessed with a second child. We are delighted that we are having another baby and can’t wait to watch our family develop and our firstborn Grace to grow into her big sister role. However, the reality of raising a toddler, whilst trying to work, whilst being heavily pregnant, whilst trying not to crumple into a heap of pain and exhaustion has its challenges, and ones which I am learning affect every fibre of my being. Winging it on a daily basis is my  parenting style of choice!

My baby brain has officially reached new levels of gormlessness, and not only can I not seem to capture any clarity in my thoughts, which at the best of times are a crazy mixture of panic and confusion interspersed with fleeting moments of lucidity, which then disappear into magical puffs of air before I’ve managed to grab hold of them with both hands. And please, do not ask me to make a decision about anything. Trying to decide what to have for tea has at times thrown me into a paralysed state whereby only white noise can be heard.

So, I ask myself, now on a daily, if not twice daily, actually more like an hourly basis, what the bloody hell am I doing?!

Is it going to be ok bringing up a toddler and a newborn? Are they going to like each other? How are we going to manage moving house with a toddler and a newborn, and when will I know it’s the right time to pick up my business again??? I’m so excited to have Ruby, but this time round I feel so anxious about everything and can’t seem to make a decision on anything!

It’s almost as if my Daughter Grace has picked up on the fact that Mummy has lost her mind, as she has recently decided to challenge me in every direction. This has thrown me into a complete tizz, as we have been blessed with her being a relatively easy child, so her curve balls have knocked me for six. I accept that we are coming up to the terrible twos so a challenge or 20 in a day is to be expected, but there have been lots of tears and tantrums this week, and not all from Grace.

Your midwife should really tell you that second time round, things are just that bit harder and to be that bit easier on yourself. After much soul searching and feeling like I must be somehow failing, I’ve had to admit to myself that I just can’t do it all, despite that pressure I seem to feel to be it all, I just can’t do it. Is that ok? Is it ok to accept that some days you’re just too tired to run around playing peekaboo for the fifteenth time and instead you’ve let your child watch Peppa Pig for longer than is deemed appropriate? Is it acceptable to the world to have a mild break down in the fruit aisle at Asda because they’ve run out of bastard blueberries, or to swear repeatedly at my printer because it inexplicably won’t print a frigging thing, or to be genuinely close to tears because out of the limited clothes you do actually fit into, none of them are bloody ironed and you’re running late (again!)?

With your second child, those days of being able to nap when you felt like it are well and truly gone. Not that I ever actually did it, but boy to I miss the opportunity to just lay my head on a pillow at 2 in the afternoon. Instead when pregnant with Grace I obviously decided to go down the crazy manic nesting mama route which resulted in me also being around 35/36 weeks pregnant, but instead of buying a new house I was on my hand and knees sanding the skirting boards of our dining room…because (shrill, slightly maniacal tone of voice) ‘everywhere is minging and needs re-painting before Grace arrives’.

This time round my crazy mama take two nesting crisis has resulted in us buying a new house. What better thing to do when you are about to pop, than add into your life one of the most stressful things you can do?! Seriously, what am I thinking?! I’m so very lucky to have such an understanding husband, and when I’m not heavily pregnant, I can assure you that I’m not actually this crazy…hmmm.

My Daughter taught me the greatest thing the other day, when I was surreptitiously wiping away tears of exhaustion and frustration, and she came to me with her most treasured possession, a penguin comforter and gave me a cuddle, a kiss and even let me hug the penguin and told me ‘it’s ok mummy’. Obviously this made me cry again but for entirely different reasons, because she’s absolutely right, it is ok. I’m ok, I’m just human, and yes life is crazy and overwhelming at times, but I simply can’t wait to meet our newest member of the family, who will no doubt cause my waters to break over the new carpets at our new home – but that’s ok too, we’ll just wing it!

Rebecca Royle

Rebecca Royle, a very lucky full time mother of two gorgeous girls, Grace 23 months and Ruby - due on 8 August 2016. A lover of Indie music, all things owl related, red shoes and a cheeky glass (or 3) of Rioja (when not pregnant, obvs). Wife to an amazing husband and now also a Mum Boss photographer at www.rebeccaroylephotography.co.uk

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