Never Again, Actually does mean never again..

Gem.Em.Oli.Joey - 27 Jun 16

I can’t remember this pregnancy as well as my first, I think I may have blacked out huge chunks, just as you do after you’ve given birth, you delete this huge trauma, so maybe, just maybe, you will get that feeling, the one that feels like sun rays on your face and summer breeze on your skin and you go and do it all again.

But there are 3 things I do remember and will remember for the rest of my life, even when I am senile, even when I can’t remember who he is or how I like my coffee…

The day I found out I was pregnant for the second time I cried, I was sick, I was hungover, I yelled at my fiancé, I felt sorry for my first child, the one who was going to be made to share me, much much sooner then I was ready to let that happen, the realisation that we were poor all ready and now we would actually be struggling to survive. I never knew a panic like this, I’ve never gotten over that panic.

Day by day my belly grew, day by day I had to explain to family and strangers that no we didn’t plan him but yes we were very happy, which was a lie, I didn’t even acknowledge its very existence, I only remembered when I was reminded, everyone else gushed and I just blushed and lied. I felt different second time around, I felt low and sluggish and sad everyday, I thought I didn’t want this baby.

One afternoon we went for our second scan not intending on finding out its sex, we just wanted to make sure it wasn’t a lobster or a duck, what I had not intended on, was how much my partner actual did want this baby and how happy and excited he was to become a Dad again, even more surprising was that he wanted to know the sex, he wanted to immediately bond with his child, he didn’t see it as a lobster or a duck or a burden or someone we had to find more love for. He knew something I didn’t know, he knew he had extra space in his heart and his bed for one extra best friend in his life and he knew I did too. That was the day we met Oliver the boy in my belly that all of a sudden become the boy that held my heart.

Loving Oliver in my belly, loving Emily on my lap and loving Joe by my side was euphoric, It was my close and visible future, It was my new goal, I was going to be a whole new person, I felt like a strong empowered women.

I started to get very ill, I was a total real life Mombie, I actually fell asleep sat up whist having breakfast a few mornings, which at the time seemed funny and understandable as I was looking after a toddler as well as being mucho mucho pregnant, after a little while I knew something was wrong and we went for tests and found out at 31weeks I had gestational diabetes, we had gone this whole pregnancy never realising and no one had thought to have tested me “as they could never really tell how overweight I was” (NICE!!)

So in the morning I did my GTT (Glucose Tolerance Test) and in the afternoon we went for a scan to check in on little Oliver. We walked into scan room 1, I laid on the bed pulled my top up and gave my big belly a poke to wake him up, the nurse immediately found his heart beat and showed us his beautiful face and his arms and legs waving and kicking away. She did a run down of precautionary tests and one by one checked them off on her list until she got to his brain, she left the room, came back and measured 3 more times, my heart was beating into my throat, I was seconds away from throwing up on the floor, she could tell the destress on my face, she could see my lip wobble, she knew I was holding back fierce, loud tears. She looked away and pointed at a spot on his brain, she said there was an abnormality and that she was sending us for further tests at a better equipped hospital. I held my composure and thanked her for helping us, now I think back I think her heart was breaking too.

We left the building in a slow silence, my face was burning and all Joe wanted to do was surpass his pain to take care of mine, he reached out for my hand and I shattered into a thousand pieces on the floor in front of everyone, I cried silently in the car whilst we went to pick up Emily, I had not said a word to anyone and then I saw my Dad standing outside the house and in that second I felt like a 3yr old, scared, confused and lost, the only words I could say in squeaks through my tears were “my baby is poorly”

That evening they confirmed I had Gestational Diabetes.

A week later Oliver was diagnosed with a 10mm Ventriculomegaly on his brain.

These are the things that are burnt into me, these things are the things I will never ever forget! The rest of my pregnancy was a haze of blood tests, scans, hospital appointments and MRI’s, we were told to be prepared for him to be born with special needs or that he may not even be able to make it to us, he might be born forever asleep.

And all those things I could handle, all those things I took on board like a programmed Mum robot, I did my day to day in a numb daze, I went to all my scans and only every asked if they thought he would make it to us, I never asked if he showed signs of special needs and nor did I care, all I wanted was him, no matter how much extra care he needed.

On the 5th June 2014 I was medically induced and Oliver came in the night, I laboured for 3hrs whilst on sleeping tablets, I had no idea what was happening, I just kept apologising for weeing myself, at 5:15am Oliver John was born 7lb7oz, he was perfect in every single way.

Last month we cerebrated his second birthday..

Joe is on the vasectomy waiting list..

Now our fragile hearts are full..

#GestationalDiabetes #Ventriculomegaly

Gem.Em.Oli.Joey

E and O's mama Story Teller. Shop Keeper. Amazing Lover. I don't bake!

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