New year’s resolutions: ME

Emma Rodgers - 11 Jan 16

Last week brought the day that I have been dreading since before I actually finished work for Christmas (I think I may think too far ahead) – the dreaded return to work.

It’s January, it’s cold, it’s still bloody raining, I’m full to the brim with cheese and despite the fact that they are driving me certifiably insane, I’m just not ready to face the prospect of leaving the little urchins behind and returning to a world that isn’t dominated by Paw Patrol, chocolate and toddler mediation. Basically it sucks.

Add to this the tendency for self-reflection that the dawning of a new year inevitably sparks and suddenly I’m questioning my very existence. Well, my existence as a working mother anyway.

And much as it’s somewhat pleasant to eat a meal in peace and pay a visit solo, it’s also particularly unpleasant to feel like I’m missing out on too much of the school gate stuff, to say goodbye in the morning and know it’s going to be a good 9 hours until I see their squidgy bodies again, to have someone squealing “Mummy!” in high pitched tones as you trudge off down the garden path.

But amidst this gloom a post from the Unmumsy Mum this week got me thinking. Quite rightly she drew attention to a lot of the critical nonsense thrown at mums across social media forums these days, critical nonsense thrown by none other than other mums.  And quite rightly she said we should be uniting and supporting each other, not criticising each other for choosing bottle over boob, cot over co-sleeping or whatever the hell it is that people have got their knickers in a twist about these days.

But the thing that really struck me about this was that not only should we not be criticising each other (obviously, duh) but we should also be going much easier on ourselves. Because for every mother who feels strongly enough about breastfeeding, for example, to comment negatively on another woman’s choice I feel there must be a story there.  A story about having struggled through the first few months of pain and desperation of trying to get her child to feed or a story of questioning her choice to be the sole food provider in the night when she was so exhausted her eyes hurt or a story where she criticised herself so fiercely it left a scar she didn’t know how to deal with.

I think it’s really this self-criticism and this need that we have to be seen as the perfect mother by the world around us that does the real damage, to ourselves and to others when we act out in judgement because we’re fearful that it’s really us that’s wrong.

So this year I am making a resolution to go easier on myself.

Last year I started reading the really excellent “I Know How She Does It” by Laura Vanderkam which I would recommend for all (working) mothers out there. The premise of the book is that we don’t fully realise how much of our lives we do actually commit to our families and so Vanderkam suggests keeping a log of your time to get the true picture, something I actually did last year.

I work full time hours in a very intense industry (Corporate Finance), I have a stressful job that frequently involves travel, but actually, when I sat down and made myself look at it, I still manage to commit a huge amount of time to my family.  Despite spending a lot of time travelling around the country I usually make it home for our 6pm family dinner at least 4 times out of 5 every week.  I manage to drop both kids off a couple of times a week and, however busy I am and what’s going on around me, I drop everything at 2.45pm on Friday to do the last pick up of the week.

Last year was the first time my other half and I had ever both been away from the children overnight together (excepting the birth of number 2 which was kind of unavoidable) and I choose to spend 99% of my weekend time with them rather than in a spa or shopping or other pursuits which sound bloody heavenly in theory but I kind of dread in reality when the time comes and I have to be away from them again.

I haven’t missed a single parents evening, a single Christmas production, or any such kind of momentous occasion. When, last year, a big pitch was scheduled on the day of Max’s last pre-school carol concert I politely but firmly said I wouldn’t be able to make it.  The pitch date was moved and life went on.

In short, I’m actually not doing that badly.

And, although I’m going to have many more hours and days of guilt-ridden soul-searching I’m sure (guilt is the best kept secret of motherhood after all) I’m going to try to remember this as much as I can this year. It’s going to make me a happier person which is great for me, great for my kids and great for everyone I come into contact with, in the real world or virtually.

Emma Rodgers

Feed the Team is a site of meal planning, recipes, reviews and tips for surviving family mealtimes from 3 sisters mothering 8 in Manchester, UK.

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