Not in my day

Madeleine Thompson - 23 Jun 15

An incident the other day had me pondering about the past; not my past but other people’s past, society’s past. On a family holiday to the coast with ‘my side’ of the family, we ended up on a drizzly day in a visitor centre for sea life things. A small hut building, it did not have much to offer and little appeal to any visitors, let alone of the toddler/pre-school variety. The centre was staffed by a single volunteer. A mature lady who appeared to be pleasant in the main if somewhat unexciting in selling the centre.

My daughter, Aisha, was suitably bored and stood watching everybody, probably wondering how long we were going to stand and pretend to be interested. And then came the telling off.

“Take your finger out of your mouth” commanded the lady to Aisha. Aisha looked surprised, and promptly took her finger out. I smiled in my own surprise at the audacity of the lady to think that was ok. And we left not long after.

Back at our holiday home, I discussed this at length with my mum and sister. I say discussed but it was more of a deconstruction, self-evaluation, “I should have said/done this” conversation. I often do that. After something has happened that wasn’t good or that bothered me, I pull it apart in my head and look at all the ways in which I could have responded but didn’t. In this case, my mum and sister were unanimous that the most appropriate response was what we did – smile and leave.

For there are some times and some situations where even the wittiest of retorts or most assertive of replies will have limited effect.

This incident led me to think about the different approaches strangers have towards children. It is widely known that parenting and children are two of the areas in which the general public feel they have full license to enter your world and pass comments, judgements, compliments (preferred) and general musings on your parenting skills, techniques or lack of, and any situation you find yourself in, in their presence. And I started to think about how this differs across the generations.

At the risk of making sweeping generalisations, I have found in my experience it has always been the older generation who have felt the most comfortable and within their rights to tell off the children or pass their own judgements to me. Fortunately that hasn’t happened often and mostly the comments are helpful and encouraging, but it makes me wonder what it is that makes people feel they have this license.

The obvious answer for me is that in their experience, that is what would have happened to them. People growing up generations ago were brought up in a world where authority, and specifically the authority of older people, was regarded, respected and obeyed. They were brought up in a time when families did not exist in isolated units but rather they lived in large extended set-ups; family members, friends, neighbours and people in their streets. Teachers, Doctors, and religious leaders had authority in their communities. It was the village raising the children so to speak.

In today’s society, we place much more emphasis on our young people being able to think independently, have more autonomy, and being able to challenge authority. And of course being able to stand with their fingers in their mouths. And we live in much more isolated units of families so when a stranger comments on our parenting, we look at them in disbelief that they dared to question our judgment,

I’m not sure what the best way is but I would expect it is a blend. I don’t believe that strangers in the street have a welcome place to judge our very private and personal lives but I do believe there is a place for us to return to a more community way of living; surrounded by family and friends and listening to the wise words of the people who have been there and done that.

For now, I think, unless the judgement is mean/nasty/threatening/all of the above, I will continue to select the ‘smile and leave’ reaction when people say things to my children and then walk away to ponder a little bit more…

Image: lovethispic.com

Madeleine Thompson

I am mum to my little chicks, Aisha, 6 and Abel, 4. Originally from Yorkshire, UK, I now live in a little town in the North West. By day, I work for myself as a freelance PA. By night, I indulge my passion for writing.

View profile for posts, events and more info