Now is the Time

Louise McLaren - 15 May 17

Now is the time. I realise that suddenly.

At the very beginning, now was a moment I wanted to escape. An endless, fogged moment of sleeplessness, illness, recovery and some measure of anxiety. Losing my sense of self, perspective and judgement. Back then, freedom was the neighbours’ world, replete with summer barbeques, laughter and independent teenage daughters.

It soon improved, and number two didn’t tip me back into that bleak early place. The sleep-deprivation still sucked, but I knew what I needed to do now.

And yet, there was a difficult adjustment to the demands of two children. The competing soundtracks, demanding attention simultaneously; the realisation that those breathless popular narratives of what it’s like to be a mother – ‘you can’t even find time for a bath!’, ‘it NEVER stops!’ – hold true so much more when you have another child. And you wonder… how did I find this so bloody difficult before?

It’s always a juggle, it’s always non-stop, it’s always a bit incompetent. It’s realising you need to look two different directions in the playpark, and now can’t (and probably don’t need to) keep a hawk’s eye on the elder boy. It’s jogging along while carrying a baby, trying to ensure safe scooting along busy roads (goddamn scooters – a blessing for the busy with heel-dragging toddlers and a curse for the faint-hearted and safety-conscious). It’s trying to decide who gets priority this time during the coordinated wailing, when there’s no clear reason for either bout of tears. It’s breaking up tussles over toys. Of course. Again and again.

It’s two boys making each other giggle, it’s family cuddles on the sofa, it’s the elder boy trying to school his little brother, and educating him in what is appropriate behaviour (we’ve got a third adult in the house, when it suits him to be one). It’s two little people offering kisses and cuddles. And wanting them.

As we make our way in a daunting, fast-changing and often profoundly troubling world, I realise now is the time to enjoy. Now is the time, beneath the veneer of chaos, that it’s all happy. It’s tough, it’s tiring. But everyone is well. We have air we can breathe, food we can eat and money in our wallets. I’m wanted and needed. And as draining as it can be to be wanted and needed – carrying around a 1-year-old and then sprinting out of the room when he’s not looking, to avoid the trigger for separation anxiety; getting two heel-dragging small humans out the door on time in the morning; having to go back in again and again to the 3-year-old’s room at night because he wants to keep talking…

What could be better?

And now I look, clear-eyed, well-rested and calm(er), and I want the moment to last.

Louise McLaren

Louise is a marketing consultant and mother to toddler Rory. She constantly finds herself thinking that her son is the most amazing thing in the world and she can't believe he exists, but a few seconds later that she must get away from the tantrums right this second and have a holiday... Where is her husband when she needs him?!

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