Look, I know this is a pretty unoriginal observation. But when you’re stuck in front of kids TV for hours, breast-feeding, bottle-feeding, ironing, sorting the washing or just clinging onto consciousness for sheer life …..sometimes your loins start to stir. Don’t deny it. It’s one of the only perks of watching banal shit for hours on end, day in & day out. Fantasising about kids characters you wouldn’t kick out of bed. And if you’re like me, you’re also dissecting their techniques. Now this is a game all sexualities can play. I am a

lady who likes men so mine are all male. I can’t, ahem, confirm that they are all HUMAN form but in fantasyland I don’t *think* it’s classed as bestiality. But if you are a lady who likes ladies or a man who likes mens, then I sure there are characters out there who fill your sexual boots too.

Here’s my list:

1) Mr Bloom. I AM OBSESSED BY HIM. I don’t even know if he’s still on Cbeebies but ’ecky thump….he gives me a wide on. (don’t click that link, those that are easily offended). I’m not even that into blonds

normally. But he does something to me that makes my jaw go slack. I think it’s his cheeky “pretend” Manchester swagger, kindly “Northern” accent and the way he’s so nurturing to his veggies. Honestly when sings “My, haven’t YOU grooown”… there’s a slug trail situation on my sofa. He really REALLY gives me the horn. This illusion was shattered slightly when I saw him being interviewed about the Cbeebies Xmas panto. In real life he’s a bit of a stage school lovey. Sad times. A little reminiscent of Ollie Plimsolls from League of

Gentlemen. (Put yourself into a child!) It’s true what they say, never meet your heroes.

2) Disney’s Robin Hood. This is where it all started for me. At the ripe old age of (no word of a lie….) 6. I saw Robin Hood with that gorgeous, charismatic fox…and my destiny as a dirty old horn-bag was laid bare before me. I was smitten. He made me feel weird things in my tummy! I literally felt a bit sick when I thought about him and I would obsessively draw pictures of him everywhere. However having just had a quick squiz on YouTube for a clip

to embed (oh sorry, I am breaking the fourth wall!) I’ve realised with slight horror that he sounds nothing like I remembered. I had a weird crush on a man who sounds like my grandfather. Oh god. Don’t. MOVING ON!

3) Marty from Madagascar. This is a weird one. It’s arisen because I’ve had to endure a bloody Madagascar 1, 2 & 3 marathon for the last 2 days. Chris Rock is funny as fuck. No doubt. And men who make me laugh are generally the ones I want to shag senseless. But his character in this film ISN’T sexy. He’s like a child!

But a man child. So even though I am uncomfortable with myself for this, I am pretty sure in human terms a 10 yr old Zebra would be at LEAST 21…right? RIGHT??? I think my brain just shook my vagina awake from sheer boredom, to be honest.

4) Dangermouse. I thought he was SO cool. He reminded me of my super cool best mate Matthew Steel (who I also crushed on for my entire childhood). He was sarcastic and funny and brilliant. As an adult…discovering he was voiced by David Jason… oh dear. Delboy HELL NO.

5) Elvis from Fireman Sam. HEAR ME

OUT…. Look I know he’s fucking idiot….but he can move! He’s got Elvis’s snake hips! I know Elvis was a hideous old, burger snaffling racist but Fireman Sam’s Elvis is a sweet, dopey, fuck boy. He can hold his hose over me anytime he likes. 

6) Kristoff from Frozen. This is a more obvious one. But I like how flipping grumpy and misanthropic he is. Also he’s big and rough. I think he’d show you a good time, rogering you silly on top of the hay bales. Sven has to wait outside though, K? Reindeer maybe better than people but I am not

into performance art.

7) Victor from Thomas & Friends. OK so I’ve saved the weirdest til last. I want to fuck a train. There I said it. An elderly train as well. But he’s got a very sexy Cuban accent. And he’s so sweet. He’s got a total fuckwit as a side kick called Kevin and all he ever does is be patient and kind to him. I think he’d be a tender lover.

Obviously there are ten thousand kids characters you wouldn’t wanna touch with a barge pole…amirite? I mean I don’t even really need to mention the sex-less

Mr Tumble, Mister Maker and weird-hairline Andy from Cbeebies. Then there’s others like Ryder from Paw Patrol. You know he’d be two pumps and a squirt with a red-faced apology. And Postman Pat…the fuck is his look about? His look definitely of grannyesque fuzzy hair and glasses is not my cup of tea,, thanks! Although he HAS got an interesting shaped nose…..

OK I think I better leave it there. So. There you go. My list of kids tv characters I’d like to shag. Don’t lie, you know I am not alone….