Oh I Should, Should I?

Laura White - 24 Mar 16

I was warned but I still wasn’t prepared.

The judgement. The opinions. The anecdotes.

Throughout pregnancy. Throughout the last not-quite-eight-months that I have been J’s mummy. It’s exhausting.

On reflection the thing that most caught me by surprise is the language used.

There are 2 examples that really, really bug me.

The first: ‘You should……’, ‘you shouldn’t…..’

A quick dictionary check confirmed that first and foremost ‘should’ means obliged. You are obliged to….. I am? Really?

Why am I obliged rather than advised, recommended, suggested or even considered?

The things that, in my humble opinion, I *should* do are keep J safe, healthy and happy. Those are the things I am OBLIGED to do.  How I achieve these are mostly matter of opinion. Purée or BLW? Opinion, not fact. Baby sensory or baby massage? Opinion, not fact. So, I *should* go to baby sensory? No, but I can if I want and if I don’t then what of it?

The second: ‘why haven’t/don’t you…..?’ It frequently includes the word ‘just’. It always sounds negative and judgemental.

Why don’t you use bottles rather than breastfeed in public? Why don’t you just go to the local leisure centre rather than pay for baby swimming classes?

That first example is the subject of many posts by more experienced people than yours truly so I will focus on the second one.

Yes I could go to the leisure centre or a private pool nearby. I am not obliged to use baby swimming classes. So why do I? I learned to swim at an early age and so did my husband; we know how to be safe around the water and how to have fun with it too. We want the same for J. Water parks, open air pools, pool parties, the seaside….all places he is likely to experience at some point.  The classes focus on teaching J to be safe if he fell into the water but in a fun, splashy way! He loves it. I love it. I wouldn’t be planning to drive an hour each way to take him on a Sunday next term (I will be back at work so no more weekday classes for me) if I thought I could provide the same benefits. Also, J has a big family that want to spend time with him and I feel that without scheduled classes swimming would end up in the ‘good intentions but no follow through’ category.

So, I could do things differently. But I have my reasons for doing it this way. What are your reasons for presuming I haven’t considered your way? Why do you think it is ok to make me feel like I am doing it wrong? Why do I feel obliged to explain myself?

In our family there are 2 babies due in 2016 (I have off-the-chart excitement levels!!) and already I have heard ‘should’ bandied around. I have made a promise to these women and it is this:

I am going to work really hard at helping you. I am going to do my very best not to tell you what you should or should not do but I will recommend or suggest or even advise, based on my experience, if I think it will help. I will listen to you. I may not agree with you but I will trust that you know best for your family and your baby just as I know best for mine.

Perhaps if you agree with me, you might join me in helping rather than judging and in only saying ‘should’ when it is really warranted?

I consider myself lucky that I am a fairly confident person who is able to hold my ground and tell people to butt out (sometimes politely and sometimes less so) but I worry about other families, especially mums, who aren’t as confident or may feel that they *should* do it someone else’s way even though that’s not what they want. If that sounds like you please feel free to forward this little rant onto Mr & Mrs Judgypants and let me see if I can help!

I’m off to baby swimming class now! 🏊🏻

Laura White

View profile for posts, events and more info